Harry Potter and the Half Blood Princess
by Professor Snaglefoompus
Summary: A chapter-by-chapter parody of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince". Fun!
1. The First Boring Opening Chapter

**Chapter One  
****The Boring Opening Chapter That Could Have Easily Been Left Out Without Affecting The Quality Of The Book**

The Prime Minister was having a bad week. London Bridge had fallen down, his Junior Minister was now in an asylum, two people had been murdered, and a freak hurricane had occurred. But all these troubles were very small potatoes compared to the Prime Minister's biggest problem.

"My tea is too cold!" he cried. "I can't drink cold tea! Good Lord, why isn't my tea warmer?"

The Prime Minister sunk in his chair. "This is almost as bad as being a character without an official name," he said.

There was a cough.

The Prime Minister turned around.

The portrait on his wall was coughing.

"Cover your mouth when you cough, or you'll get your germs all over the place," the Prime Minister commanded.

"Sorry," said the man in the portrait. He flung his long, sexy hair over his shoulder and said, "The Minister of Magic is going to be coming soon."

"Great," said the Prime Minister, sarcastically. He remembered the Minister of Magic. He remembered him so well that it was time for a flashback...

It all started years ago, when he first became Prime Minister. He was spending his first night in the Prime Minister's office when he noticed that the portrait on the opposite wall was a bit...well, _odd_.

"Why is there a poster of a topless lifeguard in my room?" he wondered. "That seems quite out of place. I'll have to take it down."

The Prime Minister looked at the portrait appraisingly. "Although...he _is_ hunkalicious..."

The hunk in the portrait coughed. "Thank you," he said. "By the way, the Minister of Magic is going to be coming soon."

The Prime Minister thought he was going crazy, until, from out of the fireplace, came a weirdo called Cornelius Fudge, or Corny, as some people called him. Corny told him all about how wizards and witches still existed, and that they'd never meet again unless something really bad happened. "Like someone stealing that poster!" Corny joked.

Even though he said he would never return, Corny kept coming back. Apparently, he was a real screwball. His last visit had been concerning a mass breakout from a prison called Azkaban.

"It's okay," Corny said. "It's just a mass breakout from the our highest security prison, where the most dangerous and crazy murderers in the history of the world are sentenced! Ha ha ha! It's nothing to worry about! I'm sure we'll have them recaptured in no time!"

"Hm," said the Prime Minister, ending his flashback. "I wonder what Corny has been up to this time."

Corny jumped out of the fireplace. "Hey!" he said. "Having a good week?"

"No," the Prime Minister said. "It's been horrible."

"Mine, too," said Corny. "We've been having the same bad week."

"You mean your tea is cold, too?" the Prime Minister asked.

"About as cold as Antarctica," Corny said. "Maybe Eskimos like it, but it's way too cold for me."

"My condolences," the Prime Minister said. "So, what're you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just here to tell you that I've been fired."

"Fired? Why?"

"Something to do with letting the most evil wizard in the history of the world attack the Ministry of Magic. Like that's _my_ fault. It could happen to anyone!"

"Totally," said the Prime Minister.

"So I'm going to introduce you to my successor, Rufus Scrimgy, er, Rufus Scrimjee, Scrimgre, darn, that name is hard to pronounce. Anyway, his name is Rufus Something, and—"

Rufus Scrimgeour appeared from the fireplace. "It's 'Scrimgeour'," he said. "It's French."

"_Oh_," Corny and the Prime Minister said.

"You should know," Rufus said, suddenly becoming bossy. "that I've taken the liberty of replacing your secretary, your junior minister, and your tie."

"I'm not wearing a tie," the Prime Minister said.

"Silence," said Rufus. "Corny here is going to be my contact for you, because I'll be too busy." Rufus shot the Prime Minister a mean look and disappeared through the fireplace, leaving the Prime Minister and Corny alone.

"I can see why they hired him," the Prime Minister said. "He's such a nice person!"

"Are you being sarcastic?" Corny asked.

"Maybe," the Prime Minister said. "Want to go get some tea together?"

"Do I!" Corny said. "But not too cold!"

They laughed as they walked off together, never to be seen again in this story.


	2. The Second Boring Opening Chapter

A/N: The main joke of this chapter is that, when I first read HBP, I had no idea who Cissy and Bella were. I thought they were new characters because they're not given last names, and the nicknames "Cissy" and "Bella" were never used before this chapter. So, yeah, it took me a while to realize the characters were Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange. Really confusing stuff.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**The Second Boring Opening Chapter That Could Have Easily Been Left Out Without Affecting The Quality Of The Book**

Many miles away from the Prime Minister's, a woman Apparated by a river. Another woman Apparated nearby. The second woman grabbed the first by the arm.

"Cissy, please!"

"Go away, Bella!"

"No, Cissy, no! I'm confused!"

"Confused?"

"Yes, confused! I have no idea who we are!"

"Hmmm..." Cissy said. "Me neither. Why don't we have last names?"

Bella thought hard. "I have no idea. I _think_ that you're supposed to be Draco Malfoy's mother, and I'm supposed to be the woman who killed Sirius Black in the last book."

"How are the readers supposed to know that if we use heretofore-unused nicknames?" Cissy asked.

"I have no idea," Bella said. Then she knocked on the door of a house nearby, and Severus Snape opened the door. "Ah, _here's_ a character that readers will recognize!" she said.

"Why does he get his first and last name told, when we don't?" Cissy whined.

"I have no idea," Snape said. "Please, come in, come in."

Cissy and Bella sat down on the sofa in the sitting-room, while Snape sat in the armchair facing them. "Why are you two sisters visiting me?" he asked.

"We're _sisters_?" Bella asked.

"Yes," Snape said, rolling his eyes. "This was clearly referenced to in The Order of the Phoenix."

"That book was over 800 pages long!" Bella said. "Excuse me for not being able to remember _every little detail_!"

"Does this visit have a purpose besides talking about how confusing this chapter is?" Snape asked.

"Yes," Cissy said. "But first, are we alone?"

"Wormtail is here, but he doesn't count because he's stupid," Snape said.

"Good," Cissy said. "I want to talk about the evil plot that's going on in this book, but in vague terms so that I don't spoil anything for the readers who haven't read the book before."

"Sounds like a plan," Snape said.

"Great," Cissy said. "I want you to make the Unbreakable Vow."

"No problem," Snape said. He kneeled on the floor and grabbed Cissy's hands, as Bella held her wand over their enclosed hands.

"Do you, Severus Snape, pledge to watch over my son as he attempts to fulfill the Dark Lord's wishes?"

"I do," said Snape.

"And do you pledge to love, comfort, honor and keep him, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking—wait, wrong vow. Do you pledge to carry out the deed the Dark Lord has asked him to do, if it seems he should fail?"

"I do," said Snape.

"Then by the power invested in me by the Dark Lord, I declare this vow to be unbreakable," Bella said. "You may not kiss my sister."

"Darn!" Snape said.


	3. Cowboy Pajamas

A/N: All right! Chapter Three! Finally we get to the part with Harry! But first you have to read a LOT of stuff!

* * *

**Chapter Three  
****Cowboy Pajamas**

Harry Potter was snoring loudly. Now, I know you had to read two whole chapters already just to get to the part about Harry, but instead of talking about Harry right away, I'm going to delay you some more by talking about the various newspaper articles that Harry has. They looked like this:

**HARRY POTTER: THE CHOSEN ONE**

Officials at the Ministry of Magic have announced that Harry Potter's new nickname is now "The Chosen One".

"You see, we were getting tired of 'The Boy Who Lived'," said Mr. Potter's publicist at the press conference held last night. "So everyone got together and tried to think of a better nickname.

"It wasn't easy to think up a new nickname. We argued all night long. At one time, we almost chose 'The Artist Formerly Known As Potter', but some people were worried about the legality of that, so we settled on 'The Chosen One'."

When questioned about the legality of writing something that is based off a copyrighted book without permission, Mr. Potter's publicist had this to say: "Shut up."

The next article went like this:

**FUDGE FIRED; REPLACED BY MAN WITH HARD-TO-PRONOUNCE NAME**

Cornelius Fudge has been fired as Minister of Magic, for general incompetence, the spread of mass misinformation, and smelly socks.

When asked about how he felt, Fudge had this to say: "I know I made some mistakes, but I don't think I should be fired. I mean, give me a break! I fudged up, okay? Ha ha ha! _Fudge_d up, get it? 'Cause that's my name! Cornelius _Fudge_! Ha ha ha!"

Fudge has been replaced by Rufus Scrimgeour, whose name is, as some say, "hard to pronounce".

"It's French, okay?" said an irritated Mr. Scrimgeour. "You pronounce it 'Scrim-gwah', not 'Scrim-ge-or'! Can we focus on dealing with the evil wizard trying to take over the world now?"

Mr. Scrimgeour refused to go by the nickname Old Scrimy in order to simplify matters. He also refused to use Rufus-meister, the Scrimster, Grumpy Frenchman, The Main Minister, and Cuddles.

The third newspaper article read:

**Ministry of Magic Ensures Safety of Hogwarts Students**

Newly appointed Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, or as he is more commonly known, Cuddles, announced that the Ministry would take great measures to protect students returning to Hogwarts this year.

"Don't call me Cuddles," the Minister of Magic said, angrily. "If you can't pronounce my name, just call me 'the Minister of Magic'."

The Minister of Magic went on to say that the complex security measures would be in full swing throughout the entire year. "Except in Chapter Twenty-Five, when Harry and Dumbledore leave Hogwarts to go-Whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!" he said.

I know you're probably bored of news articles by now, and you probably want to hear something about Harry. Well, too bad. Before getting to Harry, you need to know about this pamphlet that he has:

**MINISTRY OF MAGIC'S OFFICIAL GUIDE ON HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF**

Currently, a group of evil wizards called "Death Eaters" are trying to take over the country. They plan to do bad things, like kill everyone they can and delay the publishing of the next Harry Potter book by at least two years.

In order to help protect yourself, you are advised to do the following:

1. Never leave your house alone.  
2. Look both ways before crossing the street.  
3. You and your friends should settle on embarrassing personal questions like "What color is your underwear?" and ask each other these questions every time you meet. If your friend cannot answer correctly, he or she is a Death Eater in disguise, and is most likely trying to kill you. In that case, follow this easy, three step plan:

I. Sit down on the floor, with your legs spread apart.  
II. Put your head between your legs.  
III. Kiss your butt goodbye.

Next to these newspaper clippings and the pamphlet was a letter.

_Dear Harry,_

_I am going to come pick you up on Friday at 11:00 P.M. and then take you to Ron's house._

_But first we have to do something else. I'm not going to tell you about it now though. It's a secret._

_Albus Dumbledore_

Harry had read Dumbledore's letter dozens of times since it was delivered, even though he had memorized it already. In preparation of Dumbledore's visit, he had done absolutely nothing. By which I mean he didn't pack or anything. I don't know why.

The clock hit eleven, and Harry woke up, as if by magic, which would be a lot more impressive if he wasn't a wizard. He noticed that Dumbledore was walking up to the house, and ringing the doorbell.

Downstairs, Uncle Vernon said, "Who comes to people's houses at eleven o'clock in the night?" Harry ran downstairs in time to see Uncle Vernon open the front door.

"Good evening," Dumbledore said. "I'm here to see Mr. Potter?"

Uncle Vernon turned around and bellowed, "HARRY, THERE'S A HIPPIE HERE TO SEE YOU!"

"Okay," said Harry. "Hello Professor! I'll be with you in a second, I forgot to pack!"

"Pack?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"I am taking Mr. Potter away for the summer," Dumbledore said.

"You're taking him away for the summer?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said.

"All right!" shouted Uncle Vernon. "Harry's going away! PARTY TIME!"

By the time Harry came back downstairs with his stuff, the Dursleys had turned on the radio and were just starting to rock out to the music. Harry noticed that Dumbledore was wearing a ring.

"Did you get engaged, Professor?"

"No, not yet," Dumbledore said.

Harry then noticed Dumbledore's hand was totally black.

"Er, what happened to your hand?" Harry asked. "Did you forget to wash it or something?"

"I'll tell you what happened later," Dumbledore said. "First, we need to take care of a few things. Since your godfather Sirius died, you get all of his possessions, including his house, his money, and cowboy pajamas."

"Cool," said Harry.

"Also, you get your very own house elf, Kreacher! That is, if he listens to you." Dumbledore flicked his wand and Kreacher appeared.

"Kreacher doesn't want to work for Harry Potter!" Kreacher said. "Kreacher hates Harry for some reason!"

"Oh, shut up," said Harry.

Kreacher shut up.

"Hey, he does whatever you say! Cool!" said Professor Dumbledore.

"Kreacher, bring me my new cowboy pajamas," Harry ordered. "Then put them in my trunk and go to Hogwarts to work with the other house-elves."

Kreacher left to do so, and Dumbledore turned the Dursleys. "One thing before we go: Harry turns of age next year."

"No he doesn't," the Dursleys said. "He's only going to be seventeen next year."

"Um...you turn of age when you're seventeen if you're a wizard," Dumbledore said.

"Okay," the Dursleys agreed.

Dumbledore breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew! Managed to pull that one off!" he said. "Anyway, that means he has to stay with you next year until he turns seventeen, and then—"

"HE'S OUTTA HERE!" cheered the Dursleys, knocking their drinks together.

"That's right," said Dumbledore. "Come now, Harry. Let's go."

"Go where?" Harry asked.

"I'd tell you, but I'd rather use an obtuse metaphor. We're going off to find the happy things once unknown."

"_Oh_," Harry said.

As they left the house, Harry heard Uncle Vernon mutter, "'Happy things once unknown'? Crazy hippies."

* * *

A/N: Am I the only one who thought the "you turn of age when you're seventeen if you're a wizard" thing came out of NOWHERE?


	4. Harry Decides Not to Take

**Chapter Four  
****Harry Decides Not To Take His Relationship With Dumbledore To The Next Level**

"So where are we going, Professor?" Harry asked.

"To see an old colleague of mine," Dumbledore said. "Hold my hand, Harry."

"I'm not sure I want to take our relationship to the next level," Harry said.

"No, we need to Apparate," Dumbledore said. He grabbed Harry's hand and the two of them disappeared and reappeared elsewhere.

"Okay, we're a mile or two away from where we want to be," Dumbledore said. "So let's start walking. Come with me, Harry."

"Okay," Harry said. "But I'm still not holding your hand."

They started walking towards wherever it is they were going.

"So, Harry, has your scar been hurting lately?"

"No. I was wondering why that is. You'd think it'd be hurting all the time now that Voldemort is getting more powerful."

"**I**, on the other hand, thought otherwise," said Dumbledore. He stuck his tongue out at Harry. "Ha ha!"

"Shut up," Harry said.

Harry and Dumbledore talked some more, but their conversation was rather boring, so I'm skipping to the part where they reach their destination.

"Here we are, Harry," Dumbledore said. "The house of my old friend, Horace Slughorn."

The house was completely wrecked, as one could tell from the fact that the windows had no glass, the paint was peeling, and a large "WRECKED" sign hung on the door.

The house was no better inside. The piano was on its side, the cabinets were a mess, and there were pictures of Professor Snape everywhere. "Ew!" Harry said. "Who'd want to stay here?"

"Oh, don't worry, he's just hiding," Dumbledore said, kicking a chair.

"Ow!" said the chair. It then turned into a fat man, who was so fat that every time he appears, a reference to him being fat is made. "That hurt, Dumbledore!" he said.

"Harry, this is Horace Slughorn," Dumbledore said. "Or as I like to call him, Cuddles."

"Hey, Cuddles," said Harry.

"I'm here about the job," Dumbledore said. "We need another teacher at Hogwarts. Will you take the position?"

"Absolutely not," Horace said.

"Excuse me while I go to the bathroom," Dumbledore said. "I had Mexican food for lunch today, and that stuff goes right through me." He left Harry and Slughorn alone.

"You used to be a teacher?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I taught for a long time," Slughorn said.

Then there was a pause. "Why do they call you Cuddles?" Harry asked.

"Because I have a club full of students who I think will be really important later in life, so I can ride on their success-parade," he said.

"That doesn't make much sense," Harry said.

"Sure it does," said Slughorn. "I like famous people, so I make friends with the students who will become famous. Hey, wait a second, you're famous! You can join my club!"

"But you're not a teacher," Harry said.

"I'll go back into teaching," Slughorn declared. "And restart the Slug Club!"

"Great!" said Dumbledore. "You're hired!"

"Aren't you supposed to be in the bathroom?" Slughorn asked.

"Oh, I'm done," said Dumbledore. "Turns out I didn't have to go after all. So you'll take the job! Great! Well, time to go, Harry!"

"But, I still don't know why they call him Cuddles!" Harry said.

"Maybe you'll find out later," Dumbledore said. "Now we have to leave." He grabbed Harry's arm and led him out the door.

"Great job convincing Slughorn to come out of retirement," Dumbledore said.

"I wasn't trying to do that," Harry pointed out.

"That doesn't matter; we have to go to your friends, the Weasleys," Dumbledore said, grabbing Harry's arm and Apparating to the Weasleys' front lawn.

"Hey," said Harry. "Why did we Apparate a mile away from Slughorn's house, but Apparate in the Weasley's yard?

"That's not important now," Dumbledore said. "I have to tell you something: I'm going to give you private lessons when school starts up again."

"Oh, yay," Harry said.

"You don't sound too happy, Harry," Dumbledore said.

"It's just that this chapter isn't as funny as the last one was," Harry said.

"Maybe the next one will be funnier," Dumbledore said as he led Harry to the house.


	5. French Accents

**Chapter Five  
****French Accents**

Dumbledore opened the door to the Burrow and led Harry inside, where Mrs. Weasley and Tonks were waiting for them.

"Hello, Mrs. Weasley! Hello Tonks!" Harry said. He noticed that Tonks' hair was black instead of its normal shade of pink.

"All we are is dust in the wind," Tonks moaned. "Dust in the wind."

"Tonks has become a Goth now," Dumbledore whispered to Harry.

"I noticed," Harry whispered back.

"Well, time to get back to business!" Dumbledore said loudly. "Come along, Tonks!"

Tonks got up to leave with Dumbledore. "Have fun!" Mrs. Weasley said cheerfully.

"How can I have fun? Life is pointless. All we are is dust in the wind," Tonks moaned. "Dust in the wind."

"You can still have fun," Harry said.

"No, I can't! All we are is dust in the wind! Dust in the wind!" Tonks moaned.

"Well, see you later, Tonks!" Harry said while waving goodbye. Then Tonks and Dumbledore Disapparated.

"Why is Tonks so depressed?" Harry asked.

"Oh, that's one of the mysteries of the book that doesn't get cleared up until the end, when you've forgotten all about it. Soup, dear?"

"Yes, please."

"I've got good news: Arthur's been promoted! He's now the director of the Office of the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects (ODCCDSPO for short)."

"Sounds, um, long."

"It sure is!" said Mrs. Weasley happily. There was a knock on the door. "Here he is now!" she cried.

Mrs. Weasley opened the door, but Mr. Weasley shut it again. "We have to ask each other embarrassing questions," he said.

"Okay," Mrs. Weasley said. "How old were you got your first kiss?"

"Thirty-four," Mr. Weasley said.

Harry laughed. "_Thirty-four?_" he asked. "How lame! My first kiss was last year!"

"Shut up, Harry," Mr. Weasley said. "Just for that, you get an embarrassing question. Who's your secret crush?"

"It _was_ Cho Chang," Harry said. "But this year I'm hot for your daughter Ginny."

"_WHAT?_" Mr. and Mrs. Weasley shouted.

"Um, that's her name, Yurdoter Jinee," Harry said. "I don't think you've met her."

"Um, no I haven't," Mr. Weasley said. "I would have remembered a name like that. So, Molly, it's time for your embarrassing question: what is the special nickname I have for you?"

Mrs. Weasley turned red. "Cuddles," she said.

"That's right," said Mr. Weasley. Then he opened the door and went inside. "Time for bed!" he said. "Harry, you're in Fred and George's room."

Harry headed upstairs and went to sleep. He was awoken in the morning by Ron punching him in the face.

"Ron, don't hit him!" Hermione said, too late.

"Yeah, don't hit me, you jerk!" Harry said, getting up and putting on his glasses.

"Sorry," Ron said. "I forgot to go to my last anger management class."

"Speaking of classes," Harry said. "Dumbledore's giving me private lessons this year."

"Good transition," said Ron, impressed. "What do you think the lessons will be about?"

"An hour long, more or less," Harry said. "How are things here?"

"Not bad," Ron said.

"What do you mean 'not bad'?" Ginny asked. "Things have been horrible! She's a complete jerk!"

"Who are you talking about?" Harry asked.

Before Ginny could answer, the door flew open and the French blonde beauty called Fleur Delacour came in with a tray of food. "'Arry!" she said. "Eet 'as been too long!"

She put the tray down and kissed him on each cheek. "I 'ave been 'oping to see you!" she said. "I 'ave good news: Beel and I are going to be married next summer!"

"Who's Beel?" Harry asked.

"Bill," Ron said. "She has a French accent."

Fleur got huffy. "Zere is nothing wrong weeth 'aving a French accent," she said. "At least _moi_ can pronouce 'Scrimgeour' correctly!"

"Yeah, I expect _that_ will come in handy," Ginny said.

Fleur gave Ginny a mean look and flung 'er 'air, I mean, her hair over her shoulder and left the room.

"Jerk," Ginny said.

"So," said Harry, trying to change the subject, "did I mention all those Chosen One rumors are true? I'm destined to kill Voldemort."

"Fascinating," said Ron. "Can I have you bacon if you're not gonna eat it?"

"Sure," Harry said.

Ron put the bacon in his mouth and sighed. "Bacon is _sooo_ good," he said.

"That's not true," Hermione said. "You're only eating the bacon because Fleur touched it."

"Why do you girls hate Fleur so much?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed. "Honestly, Harry, isn't it obvious?"

"We're jealous because she's prettier than us," Ginny said.

"That's not true; I think you're very pretty!" Harry said.

"Thanks, Harry!" Ginny said. Harry blushed.

"What about me?" Hermione asked. "You think I'm pretty, too, right?"

"Um, I should probably take these plates down to the kitchen so Mrs. Weasley can clean them," Harry said.

"But you haven't eaten anything!" Hermione said.

"Er, I mean I can't eat unless I'm downstairs," Harry said. He got up and ran downstairs with his food, with Hermione and Ron following him.

"Oh, hello, Harry!" said Mrs. Weasley. "How are you doing?"

"Great," Harry said.

"By the way, your O.W.L. results are coming in today!" she said.

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Yes, Dumbledore was supposed to mention that in the last chapter, but the author forgot to include it," she said.

"_Oh_," Harry said.

Just then, three owls flew in with the O.W.L. results. Harry grabbed his and read it.

**O.W.L. RESULTS FOR HARRY POTTER**

_Possible Grades_

Outstanding (O)  
Odious (O)  
Overall, Good (O)  
Ostentatious (O)  
Okay (O)  
Cuddles (C)

Harry sighed, wondering if the author would ever get tired of the Cuddles joke. Then he kept reading.

Harry Cuddles Potter has received:

Astronomy - O  
Care of Magical Creatures - O  
Charms - O  
Defense Against the Dark Arts - O  
Divination - O  
Herbology - O  
History of Magic - O  
Potions - O  
Transfiguration - O

It wasn't that bad, Harry thought. He always knew he'd flunk Divination and History of Magic. He was, however, pleasantly surprised at his Charms and Astronomy grades.

"Hey, I got seven OWLs!" Ron said. "Cool!"

"Let me see," Harry said. Ron's grades were the same as Harry's, except lower in Defense against the Dark Arts. "How can you tell you got seven?" Harry asked. "There's no numbers anywhere!"

"I'm not sure," Ron said, thinking about it.

"I got all O's!" Hermione said.

"Lucky!" Harry said.

"It's like looking at a bowl of Cheerios!" Hermione said, checking her results again.

"Show off," Ron muttered.

Harry laughed, but he felt sad. His Potions grade wasn't good enough for him to continue taking the subject, which means he couldn't become an Auror. "If I wasn't going to become a world-famous Quidditch player when I grow up," he said to himself, "This might bother me."


	6. Cuddles

**Chapter Six  
****Cuddles**

The rest of Harry's summer wasn't much fun. Lupin showed up at his birthday tea to tell everyone bad news.

"Right, there have been more dementor attacks, Igor Karkaroff was found dead, and Florean Fortescue and Ollivander have mysteriously disappeared," Lupin said, counting off the bad news on his fingers. "But that's not the worst part."

"What's the worst part?" Harry asked.

Lupin spit out his tea. "This tea is too cold!" he said.

"No!" Harry gasped.

"Yes!" Lupin said. "It's too cold!"

Harry fell to his knees. "IS THERE NO MERCY IN THE UNIVERSE?" he screamed. "WHY IS THE TEA SO COLD?"

Tonks laughed. "Of course the tea is cold," she said to herself. "Everything is horrible because all we are is dust in the wind. Dust...in the wind!" Tonks drew her feet onto her chair and started rocking back and forth, whispering, "Dust in the wind! Dust in the wind! All we are is dust in the wind!"

"Oh, Harry," Mrs. Weasley said. "I must have forgotten to heat the tea. Let me boil some water for you." She left for the kitchen.

"Hey Harry," Bill said, flinging him a sack of money. "Here's some gold from your vault at Gringotts. You'll need it when you all go shopping for supplies tomorrow."

"Yeah, I just got the list of supplies," Harry said. "Did I mention I've been made captain of the Quidditch team?"

"I remember when I was captain of the Quidditch team," Bill said. "Or was that Charlie?"

"Charlie was the one who went to the chocolate factory," Ron said.

"Oh, yeah," Bill said.

"HELLO!" Lupin cried. "The tea is cold, and you're talking about _chocolate factories_?"

"Dust in the wind, dust in the wind," Tonks said, her eyes bulging out.

"Don't worry, I've got the hot water," Mrs. Weasley said, bringing in a pitcher. "Just put this in your tea and...WOAH!" Mrs. Weasley tripped on the rug and accidentally splashed all of the hot water on Harry's crotch.

**"OW!"** Harry howled.

All in all, it was not one of Harry's better birthdays. He could still feel the pain the next day, as they all headed to the Diagon Alley.

And of course, our heroes ran into Rubeus Hagrid, the half-giant, outside of the Leaky Cauldron. "Hello, Harry!" he said. "I'm security fer you today!"

"Cool!" said Harry. "You can watch us as we go to the robe store!"

"Great," said Mrs. Weasley. "I'll go get your books with Ginny while you three get robes, and we can meet at Fred and George's shop!"

They agreed to this plan of action, and Hagrid lead Harry, Ron, and Hermione to Madam Malkin's robe store. Harry noticed that Diagon Alley was completely empty, which was odd because it was usually full of people buying things.

Inside the robe store was Malfoy, examining himself in a mirror. "I like the color," he said. "Yes, this color is perfect for my teddy bear pajamas."

Harry, Ron and Hermione laughed. Malfoy jumped, noticing them for the first time. "I mean, that's the color I want for my...uh..._robes of doom_!"

"Teddy bear pajamas?" Harry laughed. "**I've** got cowboy pajamas!"

"Lucky!" Malfoy said. "I mean, shut up, Potter! You and your filthy Mudblood friend are going to get it someday!"

"Calm down, Cuddles," Mrs. Malfoy said. "It's not worth getting worked up over such stupid people."

"You're right, Mother," Malfoy said. "Come, let's go get robes somewhere else! We don't want to be seen buying robes from a store that lets scum like them inside!"

Malfoy and his mother left the store, with their noses in the air.

After buying robes, they all headed to Fred and George's shop. It was full of people, which is strange because Diagon Alley was supposed to be completely empty.

"Wow," Harry said. "Look at all this stuff! They've got everything a person could want! Daydream pills, spell-checking pens, and _pills that make you throw up!_ Who wouldn't want one of those?"

"Nobody, that's who," Fred said, appearing at Harry's side. "Feel free to buy anything you want, Harry. We'll give it to you for free because you gave us our start-up loan!"

"Cool!" Harry said.

"What are these?" Ginny asked, pointing to a cage of puff-balls with eyes.

"Those are miniature puffskeins," George said. "Whatever those are. We call them Pygmy Puffs."

"Can I have one?" Ginny begged her mother.

All of a sudden, Harry noticed Malfoy going down the street, because it's easy to see what people outside are doing when you're in the back of a crowded store. Harry grabbed Ron and Hermione.

"Malfoy's going down the street," Harry hissed, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak. "Let's follow him!"

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Because he's going down the street!" Harry said, throwing the cloak over the three of them. On the way out, they passed Fred, who was assuring Mrs. Weasley that, although Ginny's Pygmy Puff gets mentioned a few times in the book, it has no effect on the plot whatsoever.

Harry, Ron and Hermione managed to catch up with Malfoy just in time to see him enter Borgin and Burkes, a dark shop.

"Why can't they turn on the lights?" Ron asked. "It's so dark in here!"

"Shhh!" Hermione said. "I can't hear Malfoy talk to Borgin!"

They stopped to listen to Malfoy.

"I need it fixed," Malfoy said.

"That will be tough if you won't bring it in here for me to see," Borgin said.

"Damn you, Borgin!" Malfoy exclaimed. "I demand that you help me fix it!"

"Okay," Borgin agreed, because Malfoy was asking so politely. "But you should know that it won't be fully fixed until Chapter Twenty-Five, when Harry and Dumbledore leave Hogwarts to go-Whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!"

"No, you shouldn't," Malfoy said. "So help my fix mine and don't sell yours, got it?"

"Got it," Borgin said. Malfoy then left the shop.

"Okay," Hermione said. "Time for me to _very secretly_ figure out what they were talking about."

Hermione walked over to Borgin. "Hey, what were you and Malfoy talking about?" she asked.

"Out, OUT!" Borgin said, kicking her out of the store.

"Nice try," Ron told her. "Shame it didn't work."

The three of them headed back to Fred and George's shop, where Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were arguing. "What's wrong?" Harry asked.

Mrs. Weasley frowned. "We bought Ginny a Pygmy Puff, and she wants to name it Arnold," she said.

"What's wrong with that?" Harry asked.

"I think it should be called Cuddles!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed.

"Stick with Arnold," Harry advised.


	7. Mad about Malfoy

A/N: Moving on to Chapter Seven! In the real book, this is the only chapter in which Harry has a conversation with Neville, and it's a rather short one, too. I'm sure Neville fans were disappointed about this.

Also, a question about Professor Slughorn. His full name is "H. E. F. Slughorn". The H stands for Horace, but does anyone know what the E. F. refers to? Elpinor Fenstein? Extra Fat? Elephant Fondue? I have no idea.

* * *

**Chapter Seven  
Mad about Malfoy **

Harry spent the rest of the holidays wondering what Malfoy could have been talking about.

"I don't know what it is either, Harry," sighed Hermione, who was getting tired of hearing Harry talk about Malfoy. "But it sounds like we'll find out in Chapter Twenty-Five. Can't you just wait until then?"

"No," Harry said. "I'm sure that Malfoy is a Death Eater now!"

"What does that mean, Death Eaters?" Ron asked. "Do they eat death or something?"

"I'm not sure," Harry said.

"That'll just have to be an unsolved mystery, I guess," Hermione said. "Like why I don't stay with my parents during summer vacation."

Summer vacation, was, sadly, drawing to a close, and before Harry knew it, it was time to head back to King's Cross Station to catch the train to Hogwarts. Harry pulled his luggage on the train, and asked if anyone would like to ride in a compartment with him.

"We can't ride with you, Harry," Hermione said. "Ron and I have to go to the prefect's carriage."

"Right," Harry said. "What about you, Ginny?"

"Sorry, I have to meet my boyfriend, Dean," she said, heading in the opposite direction.

Harry felt sad, because he had a major crush on Ginny, but he forgot that she didn't spend too much time with him at Hogwarts. "How am I going to kiss her now?" he asked himself.

"Hey, Harry," a voice said. Harry turned around and saw Neville Longbottom.

"Neville!" Harry said. "Is it time already for the only scene in the book where I talk to you?"

"Yep," Neville said. "You can sit with me in me in this compartment with Luna Lovegood!"

"Hello, Harry," Luna said, serenly. "Are we doing the DA again this year?"

"Nope, because Umbridge isn't here anymore," said Harry.

"But the DA was cool!" Neville said.

"Hey, watch it Neville," Harry said. "You only get one scene in the book to talk to me, remember? Don't mess things up by disagreeing with me."

"Sorry!" Neville said.

Harry gave Neville a mean look, and sat down. All of sudden, two girls stepped inside the compartment.

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

"I'm Yurdoter Jinee, but you can call me Cuddles," said the first girl. "I believe you said you were hot for me, back in Chapter Five?"

"Um, no, I was lying," Harry said. "I've never heard of you."

Yurdoter Jinee looked upset. "Okay," she choked, running out of the compartment.

The other girl watched her go, then turned to Harry and said in a business-like tone, "My name is Romilda Vane. I was wondering if you'd like to sit with me and my friends in our compartment. You don't have to sit with Neville and Luna."

"I like them," Harry said. "They're my friends."

"Fine," said Romilda, leaving the compartment.

"People expect you to have cooler friends than us," Luna said.

"Put some effort into being cooler then," Harry snapped. "All you ever do is say strange things, which is not cool in the slightest."

"Do not," Luna said. After a pause, she said, "I like butterflies."

"Me too," said Neville.

Harry was about to say Luna just proved his point when the door burst open and in came Yurdoter Jinee, looking mad. "You know what, Harry? It's not okay. You said you were hot for me in Chapter Five. Now you say you were lying? I don't think so. If you weren't talking about me, who were you talking about?"

"Easy," Harry said. "I was talking about Ron's sister Gin—" Harry broke off, noticing that Ron and Hermione were coming. He didn't want Ron to know about his crush on Ginny. "Er, yeah, that's her name. Ronsis Tergin."

"So you like her, not me?" Yurdoter Jinee asked.

Harry nodded.

Yurdoter Jinee ran away, crying.

"What's her problem?" Ron asked, as he was now close enough to talk to Harry.

"No idea," Harry said.

"I've got a note for you and Neville," Ron said, handing one to both of them.

_Harry,_

_I would be delighted if you would join me for lunch  
__in compartment C. Nay, not delighted, thrilled. So  
__thrilled that I am liable to bake a cake with joy,  
then eat it myself before anyone gets here._

_Sincerely,  
__Professor H. E. F. T. Y. Slughorn_

"What do they say?" Ron asked.

"They say that—" Harry was cut off by the appearance of a strange girl.

"Hi," the girl said. "I'm Ronsis Tergin, but you can call me Cuddles. Yurdoter Jinee said you liked me."

"This is getting ridiculous," Harry said. "Look, I don't like any girls right now! I don't have any plans to get a girlfriend anytime soon, okay?"

Ronsis Tergin looked upset. "Okay," she choked, running out of the compartment.

"That was weird," Ron said. "So what do the notes say?"

"Neville and I are invited to lunch with Professor Slughorn," Harry said.

"Is he a new teacher?" Neville asked.

Harry nodded and was about to say yes when the door burst open and in came Ronsis Tergin, looking mad. "You know what, Harry? It's not okay. You said you liked me, and now you're—"

"Gotta go!" Harry said, pushing his way past her and heading to compartment C, with Neville at his heels. Compartment C was full, the space being taken up by students and Professor Slughorn's large belly.

"Harry!" Slughorn cried. "And Mr. Longbottom! Nice to see you! Please, let me introduce you to everyone! This is Blaise Zambini, Cormac McLaggen, Marcus Belby, Ginny Weasley, and Cuddles."

"Hello, Harry," everyone said. "Hello, Neville."

"Hello, everyone," Harry and Neville said. Harry chose a seat next to Ginny, because in case you haven't figured it out by now, he has a crush on her.

Slughorn started talking with everyone. All of them were invited because they were related to someone famous, and Slughorn was looking for people to join his club of famous people. Everyone except Harry, of course, who was already famous, and Ginny, who was invited because Slughorn saw her perform a really good hex. The meeting ended shortly before the train ride did.

"My goodness, we're almost there," Professor Slughorn said. "You should all go back to your compartments now!" With a hearty goodbye, they all left.

As they went back to their compartments, Harry was struck by an idea. _Zambini will be going into the Slytherin compartment_, he thought. _I can use my Invisibility Cloak to follow him for some reason!_

Harry put on his Invisibilty Cloak and followed Zambini into his compartment, where Malfoy was hanging out with Pansy and Crabbe and Goyle. _Malfoy's here_, Harry thought. _What an amazing plot device, I mean, coincidence!_

"So, as I was saying, I might not be going to school next year," Malfoy said.

"Why not?" Pansy asked.

"I might move on to bigger and better things," Malfoy said. "After all, when the Dark Lord takes over, all that matters is how much you've done for him. And I'm planning on doing something really important for him."

"Are you planning on doing something now, or doing something next year?" Crabbe or Goyle asked.

"Can't say," Malfoy said. "I'm trying to be ambiguous so you won't know if I'm a Death Eater or not, so at the end of the book, everyone will be shocked when it turns out that I'm a bad guy."

"_Ooo_," the Slytherins said.

"Hey, there's Hogwarts," Malfoy said. "Let's all get our stuff." They got their stuff, and then all the Slytherins left, except for Malfoy who said he had something else he needed to do. Malfoy closed the blinds, and shut the doors. Then he reached behind his seat and pulled out a copy of a children's book titled _The Adventures of the Happy Pink Pony_.

"Aha!" Harry said. "Malfoy still reads picture books!"

"Who said that?" Malfoy cried, taking his eyes off his most prized possession. He threw a freezing curse right at Harry, whose muscles froze as he fell to the ground.

"Potter," Malfoy sneered. "You're in a bad situation now!" Malfoy stepped on Harry's nose, and covered him with the Invisibility Cloak.

"No one will find you now, at least, not until the next chapter!" Malfoy bragged. "Ha ha ha! And since you're frozen, you can't cry out for help or anything!" Malfoy laughed again, then left the compartment.

_Oh no!_ Harry thought. _What'll I do now?_

Malfoy stuck his head back in the compartment. "By the way," he said. "This isn't _my _copy of the book. It belongs to, um, someone else. Just thought you should now."


	8. Pip Pip

A/N: Chapter Eight is kind of short, because not much happens besides Harry attending the school feast. But you can read it anyway, can't you?

* * *

**Chapter Eight  
****Pip Pip**

Harry lay there, unable to move at all. The train started moving. _Darn,_ he thought. _The train will probably be back in London by the time they figure out that I'm onboard._

Just then, someone pulled off his Invisibility Cloak and unfroze him. Harry sat up and saw it was Tonks, who was just as depressed as ever.

"Hello, Tonks," Harry said.

"All we are is dust in the wind," she moaned. "We need to get off the train now."

She led Harry outside the compartment and they jumped to the ground below. Then they started walking towards Hogwarts.

"How'd you know I was there?" Harry asked.

"I knew you didn't leave the train, and it was suspicious that there was one compartment with the blinds down," Tonks said. "Down, like the curtain of despair is down over the country. All we are is dust in the wind."

"Right," said Harry. "So, what are you doing here at Hogwarts, anyway?"

"I'm stationed at Hogsmeade now to give extra protection to Hogwarts," Tonks said. "Not that it matters if You-Know-Who comes to kill all the students. They don't matter. Nothing matters. All we are is dust in the wind." Tonks raised her wand mournfully and shot a white creature out of it.

"Was that a Patronus?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Tonks said.

"Why didn't you say, 'Expecto Patronum'?" Harry asked.

"Um, you don't need to say words to do spells anymore," Tonks said.

"Right," Harry said.

"Dust in the wind," Tonks agreed.

They didn't say anything else until they reached the gates, where Snape was waiting for them.

"I got your Patronus," Snape sneered. "It changed, eh? I liked your old one better."

Tonks frowned. "Hagrid was supposed to get that," she said.

"Well, I got it instead," Snape said. "So I'll take Mr. Potter up to the school for you."

Snape opened the gates and let Harry in, leaving Tonks alone, shaking her head and saying, "Dust in the wind...dust in the wind..."

"She's rather depressed," Harry said.

"I don't care," Snape said. "For being late, Potter, I'm taking fifty points from Gryffindor. And twenty points for having a bloody nose. And twenty more, because I don't like you. And another twenty, just beacuse. So that's...one hundred and ten points from Gryffindor."

"You're the worst professor ever!" Harry said.

"Another twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape said. "Ha ha ha!"

Harry didn't say anything, not wanting to give Snape another chance to take points from Gryffindor. This didn't stop Snape from talking. "Wanted to make an entrance, eh, Potter? And without a flying car to smash into the Whomping Willow, you thought you'd just show up late, eh? It would have been more impressive if you had taken up tap-dancing lessons."

Snape continued his story: "I used to be quite the accomplished tap-dancer when I was your age. I was well on the way to becoming the greatest tap-dancer in Britain, when your father and Sirius Black stole my tap shoes and threw them in the lake! I couldn't find them again, so I had to give up my career as a tap-dancer and focus on Potions instead."

"Is that why you didn't like my dad?" Harry asked.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for asking questions!" Snape snapped. He opened the doors to the school and shoved Harry inside. "Now get to your seat, Potter!"

Harry sat down next to Ron and Hermione. "What happened to your nose?" Hermione asked. Before waiting for an answer, she said, "Let me fix it," pointed her wand at Harry, and said, "Rhinoplasty!" Harry felt his nose fix itself.

"Where were you?" Ron asked.

Before Harry could answer, Dumbledore stood up and addressed the students. "Good evening, everyone!" he said, holding his arms wide.

Several students noticed his black hand. There were whispers, and Dumbledore hid his hand behind his back. "Um, forget about that," he said. "Welcome back to another year of schooling at Hogwarts. We have a new teacher this year. Please welcome Professor Slughorn, who has come back to resume his job as Potions teacher."

There was polite applause, as Professor Slughorn stood up. This was an unwise move, as his large stomach hit the bottom of the table and knocked it over. "Whoops," he said.

"This means," Dumbledore said. "That Professor Snape is now the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

The Slytherins applauded, but Professor Snape pretended not to notice them for some reason.

"As you know," Dumbledore continued. "Lord Voldemort is staging a comeback, much like aging musician Celestina Warbeck. In response to this, we have tightened security a hundredfold. You may rest assured that Celestina will not enter the halls of Hogwarts while I am around."

"And speaking of resting, it is time you do so. Off to bed everyone! Pip pip!"

"Pip pip?" everyone asked.

"Um, I mean, good night," Dumbledore said. "See you tomorrow, everyone!"

Everyone left, while Harry stayed back to tell Ron and Hermione what happened on the train. Before he was finished, Hagrid slapped his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"How come yeh were late to the feast, Harry?" Hagrid asked.

"There was trouble on the train," Harry said. "Why were _you_ late?"

"I was with Grawp," Hagrid said. "He's a load of fun. And so's our first lesson. Can't wait ter see yeh tomorrow!" Hagrid patted Harry on the back and left.

"I'm not taking Hagrid's class anymore," Harry realized. "Are you, Ron?"

"No," Ron said. "Are you, Hermione?"

"Nope," she said.

"Huh," Harry said. "I hope Hagrid won't be upset that his favorite students aren't taking his classes anymore."


	9. The Half Blood Princess

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. I _do_ own a Harry Potter poster, though. That counts, right?

* * *

**Chapter Nine  
****The Half-Blood Princess**

The next morning during breakfast, all the Gryffindors had to set their schedules with Professor McGonagall, to make sure that they had high enough O.W.L. grades to enter their classes.

"That's strange," Harry said. "The last chapter ended with us talking about how we're not taking Hagrid's class. How did we know we're not in Hagrid's classes anymore if we're just getting our schedules now?"

"I don't get it either," Ron said.

Hermione was instantly cleared to keep studying Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Beginning Anthropology, Shakespeare Studies, Watercolor, and French. "Yay!" she said, as she ran off to her Watercolor class.

Harry was cleared for Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Herbology, and Charms. "Why aren't you taking Potions?" McGonagall asked.

"I thought I had to get the top grade in that class," Harry said.

"Professor Slughorn will let you in with just an O," McGonagall said. "You can sign up if you want to."

"Cool!" said Harry, signing up. "But I don't have any books or anything!" he remembered.

"Hmmm...ask Professor Slughorn about that," McGonagall said.

Ron signed up for the same classes Harry did. "Cool," Ron said. "We have a free period after lunch! This means we can have an extra-long lunch!"

"You don't need a long lunch," Harry said. "You eat too much already."

"Do not," Ron said.

"Do too. Keep it up and you'll be as fat as...PROFESSOR SLUGHORN!" Harry called, walking up to the staff table.

Professor Slughorn looked up from the two-foot high pile of eggs that he was having for breakfast. "Harry, m'boy! How are you doing? Ready to join the Slug Club yet?"

"Totally," Harry lied. "But I don't want to talk about that. See, Ron and I got O's on our Potions O.W.L., so we want to take Potions."

"Then what's the problem?" Professor Slughorn asked, pouring a bottle of ketchup on his mountain of eggs.

"We thought Snape was going to be teaching Potions, and he doesn't let people in with an O, so we thought we wouldn't get in. So we don't have a book or ingredients or anything."

"No problem!" Slughorn boomed. "We have used books and scales in the Potions room! You can use them until you get new ones!"

"Great! Thanks Professor!" Harry turned to Ron. "See, Ron? That wasn't hard at all. Easy as pie."

"Pie?" Professor Slughorn asked. "Who's got pie? I want some pie!"

"Me too!" said Ron.

"Er, I don't know if anyone has pie," Harry said. "You should ask the house elves if they can make you some."

The next time they saw Hermione was before Defense Against the Dark Arts class. She looked totally exhausted. "Watercoloring is hard!" she said. "I got red paint all over my smock!"

"Ha ha!" Ron said. "I use pastels!"

"Shut up," Hermione said, glaring at Ron.

Snape opened the classroom door. "Inside," he sneered.

Everyone went inside. The classroom was covered in gruesome pictures: pictures of people under the Cruciatus Curse, pictures of people growing extra arms from their foreheads, and pictures of Snape in a swimsuit.

"I did _not_ need to see that," Harry whispered to Ron.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for whispering, Potter!" Snape snapped. "Now, you all have had five different teachers in this subject. Their priority was to teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts. Mine is a little different. I intend to teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts while being as mean to Potter as possible.

"That said, let us begin class. Now, for our first class, you're all going to be cursing each other and repelling the jinxes. You must do this in complete silence."

It wasn't easy doing spells without talking, because none of the sixth years had done it before. Harry was bored, waiting to defend against Ron, who wasn't able to do a nonverbal curse.

"Pathetic, Weasley," Snape said. "Let me show you how it's done." Snape turned on Harry and shouted, "Expelliarmus!"

"Protego!" Harry shouted, using the Shield Charm.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape said. "I told you to use a nonverbal spell, Potter!"

"You didn't use a nonverbal spell," Harry said, grumpily.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for backtalk!" Snape said. "And a detention as well! Sunday night, my office!"

Harry was in a bad mood as they left for Potions. "That jerk," Harry said. "Giving me detention!"

"Hey, Harry!" said a voice. He turned around and saw that it was a boy that everyone called Cuddles. "I've got a message for you!" Cuddles handed Harry a note, and walked off.

_Dear Harry,_

_I want to start our private lessons this Saturday,  
so come to my office at 8 P.M. Be there, or be square._

_Albus Dumbledore_

_P.S. I enjoy Acid Pops, candlelit dinners, and  
long walks along the beach._

"Ha!" Harry said. "Now I won't be able to do Snape's detention!"

"Cool!" Ron said. They headed for Potions, where everyone sat in groups of three at a cauldron. There were five cauldrons already full of potion.

"The used materials are in the cupboard, Harry," Slughorn whispered to him. "By the way, thanks for the suggestion of asking the house elves for a pie. It was delicious."

Harry and Ron went to the cupboard and grabbed some scales, ingredients, and a cauldron apiece. Harry looked at the books. He felt strangely drawn to one of them, almost like it was calling to him, wanting to be picked. So, naturally, Harry grabbed the book, then went back to his seat, behind a cauldron full of a potion that smelled like a broomstick, treacle tart, and some flowery thing that Harry couldn't place.

"Okay," said Professor Slughorn. "Time to begin Potions class! I've prepared complex potions to show off for you! Can anyone tell me what this one is?" he asked, pointing to a cauldron that looked full of water.

"It's Veritaserum!" Hermione said. "Truth Potion!"

"Right," said Slughorn. Then he pointed to a cauldron full of yellow liquid. "Now what about this one?"

"It's Polyjuice Potion!" Hermione said.

"Right," said Slughorn. Then he pointed to the one in front of Harry's group. "What about that one?"

"Amortentia!" Hermione said. "Love Potion! It smells like what you're most attracted to!"

"Right," said Slughorn. "And the fourth cauldron?"

Everyone looked at Hermione. "I...I don't know," she said.

"That's my special guacamole dip!" Slughorn said happily. "It goes great with just about anything!"

"What about the fifth cauldron?" Ron asked.

"Aha!" Slughorn said. "That one is full of Felix Felicis! Liquid luck!"

Slughorn took a bottle and filled it with Felix Felicis. "That will be the prize of the lesson, a bottle of Felix Felicis! Enough to make you lucky for twelve hours! So whoever can make the best potion today wins the bottle!"

Everyone got to work. Harry was unhappy to notice that whoever owned the book last had apparently written all over it, which made things hard to read. For example, at the part where the books instructed to "cut sophophorous beans lengthwise to release juice", the owner had written, "What are sophophorous beans? I've never heard of them before. Use green beans instead."

Harry started his potion. He, too, was unable to find out what sophophorous beans were, so he decided to take a chance and use green beans like the book said. This turned out to be a wise move, as it immediately caught Professor Slughorn's attention.

"Mmmmm! Is that a green bean casserole?" Slughorn asked. "I _love_ green bean casseroles! They're delicious! Good job, Harry! You win! Here, take the Felix Felicis!"

Slughorn gave Harry the bottle of Felix Felicis, adding, "Be warned, Harry. It's illegal to take this during a sporting event or test, as that would be cheating."

"What about when you're on a date?" Harry asked.

"Hmmm...I guess it would depend on you," Slughorn said. "What are your dates like?"

"My last date was with Cho Chang," Harry said. "She got mad at me and ran out of the restaurant, crying."

"_Oh_," Professor Slughorn said. "In that case, it sounds like you _definitely_ could use some lucky potion on your dates."

Later on, in the Great Hall, Hermione seemed miffed that Harry got the lucky potion, not her.

"Hermione, if you can get 320 percent on final exam all by yourself, you don't _need_ lucky potion," Harry said.

"Yeah," Ron said. "Making a casserole was a brilliant move, Harry. How'd you think of it?"

Harry quickly told Ron and Hermione about his Potions book.

"Harry, you're taking orders from a book?" someone asked. Harry turned around and saw that Ginny had joined them. He noticed that she smelled just like the love potion in Slughorn's class, as if you need any more hints that Harry is secretly in love with Ginny.

"It's not like Riddle's diary," Harry said. "It's just a book that someone's written on, not a book that can write for itself."

"Who's it belong to, then?" Ginny asked.

"I don't know," said Harry. He picked up the book and opened it. Written on the blank page before the title page was a short message:

_This book is the property of The Half-Blood Princess.  
If you're not her, hands off!_

* * *

A/N: Ooooo! Intrigue! Mystery! Who is the Half-Blood Princess? Seriously, though, I don't know who the Half-Blood Princess is going to be. That's something I'll need to decide relatively soon. If you readers have any ideas, let me know, okay?


	10. Kick Me

**Author's Note:** You know, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is my sister's least favorite Harry Potter book. She says that nothing really happens in the book. She must be thinking of the chapters in the book (like this one) where Dumbledore gives Harry private lessons. We learn a lot of interesting things about Voldemort's past, but as far as action goes, not much really happens besides Harry sitting in Dumbledore's office and going into the Pensieve.

Why do I mention this? Well, since there's not too much action in the chapter itself, I get the job of spicing things up a bit. And what better way to do that than by having Dumbledore play practical jokes on Harry?

* * *

**Chapter ****Ten  
**Kick Me

Despite the harsh warning from The Half-Blood Princess, Harry decided to keep using her book. By following its instructions, he quickly became the best student in Potions class, something Hermione resented.

"You're only good because you're cheating and using someone else's book!" she told him angrily. "That's not fair to the other students, or The Half-Blood Princess! I doubt she'd like to know that you're using her book!"

"Come off it," Ron said. "Whoever she is, she left her book in the Potions cupboard for anyone to use. It's fair game for Harry to take it."

"She obviously wanted to protect the book," Hermione said. "You should try to find out who she is and return it to her."

"No way," Harry said. "You're just jealous because I'm doing better than you at something."

Hermione scoffed and looked the other way. "I won't talk to you if you're going to be pigheaded like that," she said.

"That's fine," Harry said. "I have to go to Dumbledore's for my private lesson anyway."

"_Ooo_," Hermione said, changing attitudes instantly. "We'll stay up if you promise to tell us what happens!"

Harry promised and headed towards Dumbledore's office. "I hope Dumbledore takes this seriously," he said to himself. "It'd be disappointing if Dumbledore were to treat this like it was some big practical joke.

Dumbledore greeted Harry with a smile and invited him to sit down. Harry did so, and there was a farting sound.

"What the-?" Harry said. He examined the chair and found that he had just sat on a whoopie cushion.

"Gotcha, Harry!" Dumbledore cried.

Harry frowned.

"Don't feel sad, Harry," Dumbledore said. "I'll bet shaking my hand will make you feel better."

Harry grabbed Dumbledore's outstretched hand and felt a little shock.

"Ha ha ha!" Dumbledore said, revealing a joy buzzer hidden in his hand. "Gotcha again, Harry!"

Harry gave Dumbledore a mean look.

"Ah, it's okay," Dumbledore said, patting Harry on the back. "No more jokes, okay? On to business. Tonight, Harry, we are going to begin leaving the firm foundation of fact and start journeying through the murky marshes of memory and into the thickets of wildest guesswork."

"Er, don't mean to be rude," Harry said. "But could you say that again in English?"

"Certainly," Dumbledore said. "From now on, we'll be going through people's memories to try to learn about Voldemort's past. Got it?"

"Got it," Harry said. "What's the first memory?"

"It's the memory of a man named Bob Ogden," Dumbledore said. "Who arrested Voldemort's uncle for putting a curse on Voldemort's father." Dumbledore poured out a memory into the pensieve, and Harry stuck his head in. Harry fell through the air until he landed in the memory.

A man who must have been Bob Ogden was walking down a road. He took a turn into a road that led into the forest, and started counting off the houses he walked past. "Let's see...House of Pancakes, House of Representatives, House of Usher...Ah, here we go, House of Gaunt."

Bob walked up to the house, and a man in a dirty loin cloth dropped out of a tree in front of him. "Me Tarzan," the man said. "King of Jungle. Talk to apes."

"Right..." Ogden said.

An old man who looked like a monkey stepped out of the house of Gaunt. "Knock off the Tarzan routine, Morfin!" the man cried. In Parseltongue, he added, "_We like snakes, not apes!_"

"_It's not my fault you look like a monkey,_" Morfin sneered, before running into the house.

"Are you Mr. Gaunt?" Ogden asked.

"Yes," Gaunt said. "What do you want?"

"I'm here about a breach of Wizarding Law. It appears your son Morfin performed a spell in front of a Muggle, which is a serious—"

"Who cares if he did?" Gaunt shouted. "That Muggle had it coming to him!"

Gaunt waved his hand in front of Ogden's face. On it was a ring. "See this ring? It was Slytherin's!"

Gaunt ran into the house, and Ogden hastily followed. Inside, Morfin was in a corner, caressing a snake. Gaunt grabbed a shabby girl, who was undoubtedly his daughter, by a locket on her neck. "This locket was Slytherin's!" he cried, dragging it and his daughter over to Ogden. "We are the pure-blood descendants of Salazaar Slytherin!"

"Mr. Gaunt!" Ogden cried. "Please, you may harm your daughter!"

"_She deserves it!_" Morfin hissed. "_She's a Muggle-lover! That's why I cursed that Muggle! She had the hots for him!_"

"_Is this true?_" Gaunt hissed angrily.

"_She's got a crush on him, just like the crush Harry has on Ginny,_" Morfin hissed. "_In other words, a pretty big crush!_"

"_SILENCE, YOU FOOL!_" Gaunt hissed. "_This is supposed to be a fifty year-old memory! We're not supposed to know about that! Harry hasn't even been born yet!_"

"_Sorry,_" Morfin hissed. "_I forgot._"

There was a silence, then Gaunt said, "Where was I? Oh, yeah." He started choking his daughter. "_Merope, you filthy blood traitor!_" he hissed.

"No!" Ogden cried, and tried to stop Gaunt from killing his daughter. Ogden was getting the upper hand when Morfin jumped into the fight by giving Ogden the worst wedgie Harry had ever seen anyone receive. As Ogden screamed in pain, Dumbledore grabbed Harry's arm and took him out of the memory.

"Who won the fight?" Harry asked.

"Ogden went back to the Ministry and returned with a crew of Aurors, who won the fight," Dumbledore said. "Morfin was sent to Azkaban for three years. The old man, Gaunt, was sent to Azkaban for only six months."

"What happened to the girl?" Harry asked. "Merope?"

"She married Tom Riddle, the handsome Muggle that Morfin cursed," Dumbledore said. "She probably used Amortentia or some other love potion to get him to love her. Unfortunately, a few months later, he left her and went back home."

"And she was pregnant with Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "I think that is all for tonight."

"Hold on a sec," Harry said. "The ring Gaunt had—is that the ring you had on your finger when you picked me up this summer?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said.

"Wait a minute..." Harry said, thinking hard. "If that was Voldemort's ring, and you're wearing it now...that means...oh my gosh! You and Voldemort are getting married!"

"Er..."

"That's so cool! Instead of trying to kill each other, you're going to become husband and wife! When's the wedding? Am I invited?"

"There is no wedding, Harry," Dumbledore said. "Voldemort and I were never lovers, despite what some of the fanfics on this website say. Now off to bed with you."

Harry sighed with disappointment as Dumbledore led him to the door. Then Dumbledore kicked Harry in the butt.

"What was that for?" Harry cried.

"Someone put a KICK ME sign on your back," Dumbledore said. "I can't imagine who did it, though."


	11. Cuddles 2

**Author's Note:** I decided to have the Half-Blood Princess' book contain diary entries, and not just Potions instructions, which makes things more interesting. Also, it adds some mystery and intrigue to the question of who the Half-Blood Princess is. Ooooo! When did this story get so _professional?_

Oh, and I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven  
**Cuddles

Due to the heavy coursework, Harry, Ron and Hermione had not had a chance to see Hagrid that week. "We can do it right after Quidditch tryouts if there's time," Harry told Hermione at breakfast the next morning. "There might not be. A lot of people have signed up. I dunno why Quidditch is so popular."

"It's not Quidditch that's popular, it's _you_," Hermione said. "You've never been more fanciable!"

Harry felt himself turn red. "Are you saying you fancy me?" Harry asked.

"No," said Hermione. "In this book, I decide I love Ron for some reason."

"What?" Harry said indignantly. "You kissed **me** at the end of the fourth book, not him!"

"I'm going to pretend that never happened," Hermione said, "and focus on Ron now. I reckon I fancy him almost as much as you fancy Ginny."

"Actually, I kind of fancy The Half-Blood Princess," Harry said. "I've been reading the stuff she's written in the Potions book, and it's really interesting. I bet she'd be an interesting person to meet."

"I thought all she wrote were Potions instructions," Hermione said.

"She did," Harry said. "But there are a ton of folded-up pieces of paper hidden in the book. It looks like she used the book to hide her diary."

"Harry, you shouldn't read other people's diaries!" Hermione said. "That's not polite at all!"

Just then, an owl landed on the table, carrying the copy of the Potions book that Harry had ordered. "What an amazing plot device, I mean, coincidence!" Hermione said. "Here's the new copy of the Potions book! Now you can give The Half-Blood Princess's copy back!"

"No, I'm not," Harry said. He then magically swapped the covers of the two Potions books, so that The Half-Blood Princess's copy had a shiny new cover and the new book had The Half-Blood Princess's old cover.

Hermione looked like she was going to complain, but she was interrupted by an owl arriving with a copy of the _Daily Prophet_. "Oh my!" she said, reading the headline. "The Ministry has arrested a Death Eater!"

"Who?" Harry asked.

"Someone named Cuddles," she said.

As Harry expected, Quidditch trials took most of the morning. He eliminated more than half the people who tried out almost instantly, as most of them were unable to fly correctly.

Harry found some good Chasers: Ginny Weasley, Katie Bell, and Demelza Robbins. He found some okay Beaters: Jimmy Peakes and Ritchie Coote. For the Keeper, the trials led down to two people: Ron and Cormac McLaggen, one of the members of the Slug Club that Harry had met on the train to Hogwarts.

McLaggen saved the first four goals that were thrown at him, but on the fifth one, he flew in the wrong direction, which let the goal in. Ron, however, saved all five goals that were thrown at him, so Harry declared that Ron would be the Keeper.

"Let me have another go," Cormac McLaggen said.

"No," Harry said.

"Please?" Cormac asked.

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with sugar on top?"

"No."

"Dang!" Cormac said, then walked away, staggering slightly.

Harry, Ron and Hermione left for Hagrid's just after the tryouts. Buckbeak the hippogriff was outside Hagrid's hut.

"Hey!" a voice cried. Hagrid came around from the side of his hut. "Stay away from the hippogriff or, oh, it's you three." Hagrid looked at the three of them, then went straight into his hut and shut the door.

"Oh dear!" Hermione said.

"Don't worry," Harry said, walking up to Hagrid's door. "Hagrid!" he called. "Open this door, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this house down!"

"I'd like ter see yeh try!" Hagrid called.

"Fine," Harry said. "I'll just blow up the door, then."

Hagrid flung the door open. "Yeh can't do that!" he said.

"HA!" Harry cried. "You opened the door! Now we're all coming in!"

After Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the house, Hagrid said, "I wonder why I didn't just shut the door again."

"I have no idea," Harry said.

"Ar, I guess it don't matter, then," Hagrid said. "Jes' like using proper grammar. They both don' matter."

Hagrid frowned. "What's wrong, Hagrid?" Harry asked.

"It's Aragog," Hagrid said. "He's gettin' sick. I think he's dyin'."

"Can we help?" Hermione asked.

"No, but thanks fer offerin'."

After that, Hagrid seemed to be in a better mood and became his normal self again, so all four of them were able to talk freely.

"Is it safe to have Buckbeak here at your hut?" Hermione asked. "He _was_ sentenced to death three years ago."

"Yeah, well, I don' call him Buckbeak anymore," Hagrid said. "By callin' him by a differen' name, no one'll know he's Buckbeak, see?"

"What are you calling him?" Harry asked.

"Cuddles," Hagrid said.

"I had a feeling that might be it," Harry said.

At dinnertime, Harry, Ron and Hermione headed back to the castle where Cormac McLaggen was having trouble opening the doors. For some reason, this struck Harry as suspicious. He didn't have time to think about it, though, as someone came to talk to him.

"Harry!" said Professor Slughorn, puffing his gigantic belly so that it accidentally smacked a first year who was passing by. "And Hermione! I'm holding a special dinner for the Slug Club members tonight in my office at eight!"

"Sorry," Harry said. "I can't come. I've got detention with Professor Snape."

"I'll see if I can get him to cancel," Slughorn said. He then waddled out of the Great Hall.

After eating dinner, they went back to Gryffindor Tower, where Harry realized what he found so suspicious about McLaggen being unable to open a door.

"Hermione," Harry asked, "did you put a spell on McLaggen today to mess up his sense of balance or something?"

"Of course," Hermione said. "I told you this morning: I'm fancying Ron in this book. I had to interfere during McLaggen's trial to make sure the Ron became the Keeper."

"_Oh,_" Harry said. "Are sure you won't give up on that and start fancying me instead?"

"Yes," Hermione said.

Harry didn't say anything else, but instead watched Ginny with Arnold the Pygmy Puff on her head.

"Besides," Hermione said, watching Harry. "It looks like you're probably too busy fancying Ginny to get involved with me."

"Am not," Harry said. "Ginny has a boyfriend, you know. I have plenty of time to get involved with you!"

"I'll think about that," Hermione said, "Which is Girl for 'No'."

"I knew that," Harry said. "I guess I'll have to find someone else who fancies me. Maybe Moaning Myrtle?"

"Actually, she fancies Malfoy in this book," Hermione said, absentmindedly.

"What the heck?" Harry exclaimed. "I didn't see _that_ coming!"

"Me neither," said Hermione.

"Harry?" someone asked. He turned to see the new Chaser, Demelza "Baskin" Robbins. "I've got a message for you from Professor Snape. He says you have to do your detention tonight, no matter how many parties you've been invited to."

Harry groaned. "Snape's just jealous because no one would ever invite him to a party."


	12. Good For a Game of Tic Tac Toe

**Author's Note:** And in this chapter we get a minor break in the comedy action to reveal some of the Half-Blood Princess' backstory! Who could she be? You'll have to wait and find out!

Also, I still don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve  
**Good For A Game Of Tic-Tac-Toe

Hogsmeade visits were still allowed, apparently, as the first trip to Hogsmeade was set for the next weekend. Harry woke early on the morning of the trip, and decided to read his Potions book before breakfast.

Despite Hermione's objections, Harry had taken to reading the bits of The Half-Blood Princess's diary every now and then. He thought she was fascinating. It turned out that she was really good at all her classes, not just Potions. She had a habit of writing down useful spells that she had invented, which Harry had used to great effect. In fact, the only thing Harry could hold against her was the fact that she had been placed in Slytherin.

Harry had no idea who The Half-Blood Princess was, as she never revealed her true name. He had no idea when she went to Hogwarts either, although he knew it had to be sometime recently, as she had once mentioned Professor Snape being the head of her house. Harry figured that sooner or later she would mention her Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which would let him figure out which year she was in.

Harry picked out a random page and read:

_October 14th:_

_A lot of the other Slytherins really take stock in being Pure  
Bloods. Personally, I think it's just a load of nonsense. Even if I  
wasn't a Half-Blood, I'd disagree with them, because they're all  
a load of idiots._

_In particular, this one snotty Prefect called Draco Malfoy is  
always mean to me because I'm not a Pure Blood. He always  
does it loudly in front of the other Slytherins so he's sure that  
there will be a group of people to laugh at me, because there's  
no way he'd dare to take me on while alone._

_Earlier today, he tried to kick me out of the armchair I was  
sitting in. "That's my favorite armchair, so move it, Mudblood,"  
he told me, while his stupid friends chuckled behind him. I  
didn't feel like taking any more of his crap, so I performed  
Levicorpus on him._

_Naturally, it caught everyone's attention, so I looked Malfoy  
straight in the eye and said, "There, now you don't need to  
worry about sitting down in other people's armchairs  
anymore!" Then everyone laughed at him for a change. I hope  
he liked it._

_The best part about it is that Levicorpus is a nonverbal spell,  
so his friends couldn't get him down, because they're not good  
enough to perform nonverbals spells yet. Malfoy had to hang up  
there for five minutes before one of the older students felt sorry  
for him and did the Liberacorpus spell to get him down._

_I ran up to the girl's dormitories then, in case he tried to curse  
me. But it sounded like he was more mad at his friends than me;  
I heard him shouting at them for being outsmarted by "a stupid  
girl". I guess Malfoy never noticed that his friends are dumber  
than dirt._

Harry felt his appreciation for The Half-Blood Princess grow as he read that entry. So she didn't care about the Pure Blood nonsense either! And she hated Malfoy, something Harry could understand very well.

"Hey, Harry," someone said. Harry looked up and saw that it was Neville Longbottom.

"What?" Harry asked.

"This Half-Blood Princess stuff is fascinating and all, but when are you going to get back to the comedy? This is supposed to be a parody story, after all."

"I'm not sure," Harry said. Then her remembered something. "HEY!" he shouted. "You're only supposed to talk to me for **one** scene in the book! How dare you make it two!"

"Sorry!" Neville quickly apologized.

"I'll show you!" Harry cried. He performed the first spell he could think of on Neville, which was the Levicorpus spell he had just read about.

Neville flew into the air, as if suspended by his ankle. His shriek of surprise woke everyone up. Dean and Seamus laughed when they saw what had happened. Then they all went to breakfast.

"Hey," Neville cried. "Aren't you going to let me down?"

"Maybe later," Harry said.

Ron thought the whole thing was hilarious, so he regaled Hermione with the story at breakfast. She wasn't impressed.

"Ron, next time I want a regaling, I'll ask for it," she said. Then she turned to Harry. "I assume this is a spell you got from The Half-Blood Princess?"

"It is," Harry said. "So what?"

Hermione turned red. "It's incredibly stupid to perform a spell when you don't know what it'll do and especially so when you know it comes from a Slytherin girl because you _know_ what Slytherins are like, and you should know, therefore, that any spell a Slytherin would consider using obviously has to be the sort of spell not worth knowing unless you're planning to become a Death Eater, which is, needless to say, not the sort of spell a person like you, Harry, should know, and furthermore, the fact that it's written down in someone's handwriting almost certainly makes it a horrible spell anyway, because it has to be non-Ministry approved, which is why it was written down instead of typed in a book, a nice, _normal_ book, not an old Potions book that someone put in the Potions storage room, which was obviously done to _hide_ something, and I don't care if you think that something is a diary, because it's obvious to me, at least, that The Half-Blood Princess is hiding something far more sinister than just diary entries, which is, if anything, _proven_ by the fact that the spells she uses are inappropriate, which is, of course, no surprise considering that she was a Slytherin, which is something I mentioned earlier, and even if it's just a diary, it is still very rude for you to read it without permission, because no girl wants a complete stranger reading her diary, yet you go on reading it at your leisure, as if she had actually _given_ you the diary instead of you just _taking_ it from the Potions store cupboard, where I'm betting she just left it there and forgot about it and was very upset when she returned and found that you had _stolen_ it, and if it was me, I would return the book to the store cupboard as soon as possible, or even better, go to the Slytherins and ask about The Half-Blood Princess so you can find out who she is so you can return her book, which is what you ought to have done in the first place, no doubt, but you act like—"

"Hermione!" Harry interrupted. "Are you EVER going to finish your sentence!"

"Like, er, like you don't know that," Hermione said.

"Finally!" Ron sighed.

"Look, Hermione," Harry said. "I'm not going to return The Half-Blood Princess's book. It's getting me top marks in Potions."

A distraction arrived in the shape of Ginny.

"Ron," Harry said. "Isn't that distraction shaped like Ginny?"

"I think it is," Ron said. "How'd you know?"

"It's a surprisingly good-looking distraction," Harry said.

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" Ron yelled. "YOU BETTER NOT BE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER!"

"I'm not!" Harry said, quickly. "I'm in love with...Hermione!" He grabbed Hermione and kissed her hard.

"Ow!" Hermione said. "Kiss a little more softly, Harry!"

"Sorry!" Harry quickly apologized.

"I didn't know you and Hermione were together," Ginny said, having just arrived.

"We're not," Hermione said defiantly.

"You're not?" Ginny asked. "Won't that disappoint the millions of fans who want to see Harry and Hermione date each other?"

"They'll have to settle for Harry dating someone else," Hermione said.

"Well, he can't date _me_," Ginny said. "I have a boyfriend, you know."

"So I can't date Hermione, and I can't date Ginny," Harry moaned. "Is there _anyone_ I can date?"

"Why not The Half-Blood Princess?" Hermione asked. "I thought you said you liked her."

"I do," Harry said, "but I can't date her, because I don't know who she really is."

"_Oh,_" Hermione said.

"Anyway..." Ginny said, changing the subject. "I have a letter for you from Dumbledore, Harry."

"Thanks," Harry said, taking the letter. "I wonder why Dumbledore doesn't give me his letters himself."

_Dear Harry,_

_Our next private lesson will occur in the next chapter, so be  
sure to come to my office then. I promise that, this time, there  
will be no whoopee cushions in your seat._

_Albus Dumbledore_

_P.S. Be sure to pay close attention during this lesson, as it  
becomes important when we leave Hogwarts in Chapter  
Twenty-Five to go-Whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!_

"My next lesson with Dumbledore is set for the next chapter," Harry said. "Why don't we go to Hogsmeade in the meantime?"

They all agreed to this plan, although Ginny was going to Hogsmeade with her boyfriend, not with Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Hogsmeade was no fun whatsoever. It was in the middle of whatever month this trip is supposed to take place in, so it was very snowy. Harry, Ron and Hermione went into Honeydukes to get out of the cold.

"Hey, look, it's Professor Slughorn," Ron said.

Professor Slughorn was busy buying food, even though he was so fat that he already took up a quarter of the shop. "Harry!" he said. "You have to come to one of the Slug Club dinners! You've missed three in a row! That's good for a game of tic-tac-toe, but not good when it comes to dinner!"

"Sorry, but I've had Quidditch practice," Harry said, who had been busy training his team for upcoming match against Slytherin.

"Well, maybe you can make the next one," Slughorn said. "It's scheduled for the next chapter."

"Sorry," Harry said. "I've got a private lesson with Professor Dumbledore, then."

"Too bad!" Slughorn said. "Well, I'm sure that eventually there will be one you can attend!" Slughorn gave a hearty laugh, then turned around to pay for his food.

"Tell you what," Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione. "Why don't we go back to Hogwarts? This Hogsmeade trip seems really boring."

They left the Three Broomsticks and walked back to Hogwarts. In the distance in front of them, they could see Katie Bell arguing with her best friend, also known as Cuddles.

"Catfight!" Ron called. "Let's see if someone gets slapped!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione hurried up to see the fight.

"It's none of your business, Cuddles!" Katie cried. Her friend then tackled her, and the two of them rolled around on the ground, trying to gain possession of what appeared to be a brown package.

Katie shook her friend off, then got up, panting. "I'll take my package back now," she said, picking it up from the ground. She then floated into the air for some reason, and started screaming.

"Um, what the heck is going on?" Ron asked.

"I'm not sure," Harry said. "No, wait! She's been cursed! There's some sort of cursed necklace in that package!"

"How'd you know it was a necklace?" Hermione asked.

"Harry pointed to the package, which had ripped open to reveal a necklace with a "CURSED" label on it.

"Oh my," Hermione said.

Katie Bell was taken to Saint Mungo's Hospital For Magical Maladies And Injuries (SMHFMMAI, for short) shortly afterwards. Harry, Ron and Hermione were still talking about it when they went to the dormitory.

"I'm sure that Malfoy is the one who gave Katie that necklace," Harry said.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"Because he's Malfoy, that's why!" Harry said. "Haven't you noticed that he's been a complete jerk, ever since the first book?"

"He may be mean," Hermione said, "but I'm going to disagree with you, Harry."

"Why?" Harry asked.

"To create dramatic tension," Hermione said. "All good scenes have some conflict in them. I learned that in Shakespeare Studies."

"You're crazy," Harry said. "Malfoy is a Death Eater now."

"There's no proof of that!" Hermione said.

"I'm not going to stay here and argue with you, Hermione," Harry said. "C'mon, Ron, let's go to bed."

Harry and Ron went to the sixth year's bedroom, where Neville was still hanging from the ceiling by his ankle.

"Thank goodness you're back!" Neville said. "Look, I've been hanging here all day! Can you let me down now?"

"Maybe tomorrow," Harry said. Then he and Ron went to sleep.


	13. Mr Spock

**Chapter Thirteen  
****Mr. Spock**

Harry let Neville down the next morning, then he remembered something important. "Hey! I have to meet with Dumbledore to see some more memories about Voldemort!" Harry cried. He went to Dumbledore's office.

"Hello, Harry," Dumbledore said.

"You know, you haven't been around the school much, lately," Harry said. "Where were you this weekend?"

"I had to go to a very important Star Trek convention," Dumbledore said. "I, of course, went while dressed as Mr. Spock."

"Funny," Harry said. "You always struck me as more of a Captain Picard fan."

"Captain Picard is good, too," Dumbledore said. "But now, we need to see some memories about Voldemort. This time, we'll be going into my memory."

Dumbledore poured out the memory into the Pensieve, and the two of them got inside, somehow. The younger Dumbledore was wearing a rather ridiculous plum suit. He walked up to an orphanage and knocked on the door.

A little girl opened the door a bit and looked at him. "Who're you, mister?" she asked.

"My name is Albus Dumbledore," Dumbledore said. "I have an appointment with Ms. Cole, who runs this establishment."

The little girl chewed some bubble gum and then asked, "What's the password?"

"Cuddles," Dumbledore said, confidently.

"Correct!" said the girl. "Come in, Mr. Dummy-dork!"

She opened the door, and Dumbledore went in, with Harry and the other Dumbledore following.

Inside the orphanage, the orphans were busy at work, practicing their French vocabulary. Ms. Cole, the matron of the orphanage came in. "Can you children keep it down?" she asked. "I'm expecting a visitor today and—" she broke off, noticing Dumbledore's ridiculous suit.

"Good afternoon," Dumbledore said. "My name is Albus Dumbledore. I have an appointment with you today, I believe."

"Right," Mrs. Cole said. "You'd better come into my office."

The two of them entered her office. "I am here, as I said in my letter, to talk about Tom Riddle," Dumbledore said.

"Oh yeah, he's the strange kid," Ms. Cole said. "One time, we went on a field trip to the countryside, and he went exploring in a cave with two other kids. They haven't been the same since."

"What do you mean by that?" Dumbledore asked.

"They keep on repeating themselves, just like how Tonks keeps saying 'All we are is dust in the wind'."

"She does seem rather fixated on that phrase," Dumbledore agreed. "However, we are not here to discuss characters who have not been born yet. We're here to talk about Tom."

"Oh, yes, Tom. What do you want to know about him?"

"Well, I'm here to let you know that he has earned a place in my school."

"How could he get a scholarship?" Ms. Cole asked. "He didn't try for any."

Dumbledore frowned, then pulled out his wand and waved it over a blank piece of paper, which he gave to Ms. Cole. "This will explain everything," he said.

She looked at the paper, and her eyes went out of focus. "That seems perfectly in order," she said, giving the paper back to Dumbledore. Then she noticed a bottle of gin and two glasses that Dumbledore had conjured onto the desk. "Would you like some gin?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you," Dumbledore said.

Ms. Cole filled the gin glasses, and both of them drank. "So tell me," Dumbledore said. "Is there a **Mister** Cole?"

"Not yet," Ms. Cole said. "Is there a **Mrs.** Dumbledore?"

"Erm, we don't need to see this part," the present-day Dumbledore told Harry. "Let's skip straight to the part where I meet Tom." Instantly, the scene changed to a small room, where Tom Riddle was lying on a bed. Ms. Cole, her nose quite red, introduced Dumbledore.

"This is Professor Dumbledore," she said. "He wants to talk to you."

"Nice suit," Tom said, sarcastically. "Where did you find it, inside a toilet?"

"It was inside a trash can, actually," Dumbledore said. "Ms. Cole, can you leave us alone, please?"

"Sure thing," Ms. Cole said. She then left.

"Why are you here?" Tom asked.

"You have been accepted into Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry (HSOWAW, for short)," Dumbledore said. "For some reason, I came by personally to tell you this, instead of just sending you a letter like in the first Harry Potter book."

"I'm a wizard?" Tom asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said.

"What do I have to do to prepare for going to magic school?" Tom asked.

"Well, you'll need to read this," Dumbledore said, handing Tom a sheet of paper that Harry recognized as the list of schoolbooks and official notice that says students may bring an owl or a cat or a toad.

"Hold on a second," Harry said. "I just thought of something. The official notice says that you can only bring an owl, cat or toad to Hogwarts, right?"

"Right," Dumbledore said.

"So then how was Ron able to bring his pet rat Scabbers into Hogwarts? Rats aren't on the approved pet list!"

"Good question," Dumbledore said. "I'm not sure what the answer is. But please, pay attention to the memory."

Harry refocused his attention on Tom Riddle.

"I can talk to snakes," Tom said. "Is that normal for a wizard?"

"Not really," Dumbledore said. "Only a few certain wizards can do that."

Tom smiled, happy to know that, even for a wizard, he was unique. "I can make people hurt if I want to," he said.

"Okay...Why exactly are you telling me this?" Dumbledore asked.

"Sorry," Tom said. "I have a bad habit of blurting out secrets to complete strangers. Did you know Ms. Cole only dates men who play the tuba?"

"I do know that, as a matter of fact," Dumbledore said. "In fact, she—"

The present-day Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly. "We should go now," he said quickly, pulling Harry out of the memory as he said that.

As soon as they were out of the memory, Harry said, "No offense, sir, but I don't see what this has to do with me stopping Voldemort. That memory was more about Ms. Cole than it was about—"

"Woah, look at the time!" Dumbledore cried. "You should be getting off to bed now, Harry!"

Dumbledore pushed Harry out of the office before Harry could ask another question.


	14. The Only Unhappy Gryffindor

**Author's Note/Mini-rant:** I was completely confused when I read this chapter, because it has the word "snogging" in it? Snogging? What the heck is snogging? That's not a real word—not according to my spellchecker, anyway.

Well, it turns out that "snogging" is a British slang word, and the publishers decided to leave it in the book. Now what's up with that? Why didn't they change "snogging" to an appropriate American counterpart? I mean, with the first three Harry Potter books, the publishers translated all the slang words. They even changed the title from "Philosopher's Stone" to "Sorcerer's Stone", after all!

Let me summarize the translation decisions here:

1. "Queue" gets turned into "line"  
2. "Philosopher's Stone" gets turned into "Sorcerer's Stone"  
3. "Snogging" stays the same.

Ah, the Arthur Levine publishing company. We love you for publishing the Harry Potter books, but you confuse us sometimes.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen  
****The Only Unhappy Gryffindor**

Harry told Hermione and Ron about the memory the next morning, during Charms class.

"This You-Know-Who as a boy is fascinating stuff," Ron said, "but I don't see how it's useful in the slightest."

"Me neither," Harry said. "How was Slughorn's party last night?"

"Fine," Hermione said. "Speaking of which, Harry, you're going to have to come to his next party. He scheduled it for the day before we leave for Christmas break, when you can't possibly have Quidditch practice."

"Sounds good to me," Harry said. "I've been wondering what these parties are like."

"Is this is another party for Slughorn's favorites?" Ron asked in a nasty voice. "One of the parties that I'm not invited to?"

"Yes," Hermione said, in an equally mean voice. "And _of course_ you're not one of Slughorn's favorites. You don't have any talent whatsoever, unless being stupid counts as a talent."

"I didn't want to go to the dumb party anyway!" Ron snapped.

Hermione was silent for a moment. "We have to have dates for the party," she said, softly. "I was _going_ to ask you, Ron, but if you don't want to go, I guess I won't."

"You were going to ask me?" Ron asked.

"Yes," Hermione said. "But now I'm not going to, because you're a completely insensitive idiot."

"Why would you say that?" Ron asked. "I'm not insensitive!"

Harry laughed. "Ron, you're the most insensitive person I know!"

"Oh yeah?" Ron said. "I dare you to name ONE TIME that I was insensitive."

"There was the time I wanted to have a private talk with Cho, but you interrupted us to yell at Cho for liking the Tornadoes," Harry said.

"Yeah, well, that might've been a _little_ insensitive..." Ron admitted.

"You said the hats that I knitted for the house elves looked like wooly bladders," Hermione said.

"Well, that—"

"You said I was a complete idiot for liking soccer more than Quidditch, when I had never seen a Quidditch match before," Dean Thomas said.

"You're not even in this conversation!" Ron said, angrily.

"There was the time you had a go at me mum," Seamus pointed out, "just because she believed what was written in the newspaper."

"You invited my sister to the Yule Ball, but didn't dance with her once," Parvati said.

"You called me a stupid klutz," Neville added helpfully.

"Whenever you see someone open a copy of The Daily Prophet, you ask, 'Anyone we know dead?', as if someone dying isn't a terrible thing," Lavender Brown said.

"You called me a 'short little git' for giving you extra homework," Professor Flitwick said.

Nearly-Headless Nick floated in. "Not to mention all the times you've made fun of me for not being alive, and for not being able to eat anything," he added.

Moaning Myrtle floated in. "Don't forget the time he wanted to throw a book at my head just because I can't feel it!"

"Besides," Harry said. "It's written on your shirt."

Ron looked down at his shirt, which had the words "INSENSITIVE JERK" written upon it in big letters.

"All right, all right, I'm a big jerk, okay?" Ron said, angrily. "Now will all of you shut up and leave me alone?"

"Gladly," Hermione said.

At the end of class, Harry went to Dean, who was one of the backup Quidditch players. "Since Katie Bell is in St. Mungo's," Harry said, "You're going to have to play Chaser for the game on Sunday."

"That's great news!" Dean said.

"Practice is tonight at seven," Harry said. "Make sure to be there."

Dean did well at practice that night. He worked just as well with Ginny and Demelza as Katie Bell had. The Beaters were getting better, too. The only problem was Ron, whose problem with nerves hadn't gone away.

"I played horribly," Ron said to Harry, in the changing room after everyone else had left. "I'm going to lose the game for us."

"I'm sure you'll do fine in the game," Harry said. "After all, you were the main reason Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup last year."

Harry kept encouraging Ron as they went back into the castle, where they started walking back towards Gryffindor Tower.

Harry pushed aside a tapestry, so he and Ron could take their usual shortcut, and they found themselves looking at Dean and Ginny, who were locked in a close embrace and kissing fiercely.

Harry felt furious, as if he didn't know that Dean was Ginny's boyfriend. But however mad Harry was, Ron was madder.

"HEY!" Ron cried. "Stop that!"

Dean and Ginny broke apart and looked around.

"What?" Ginny asked.

"I don't want to see my sister snogging people in public!" Ron said.

"Snogging?" Ginny said. "What the heck is snogging?"

"I'm not sure," Ron said. "Is it some sort of British word that no one in America has ever heard of before?"

"I think so," Harry said. "Too bad Hermione's not here, because she'd probably be able to tell us."

"I can look it up in the dictionary, if you want," Ron offered.

"Excuse me," Ginny said. "Can we get back to the conversation?"

"Sure," Ron said. "How DARE you kiss your boyfriend?"

"Er...c'mon, Ginny," Dean said. "Let's go back to the common room..."

"You go," Ginny said. "I want to argue with my brother for a bit."

Dean left, looking very glad to be gone.

"Listen, Ron," Ginny said, angrily. "You shouldn't judge what I do with my boyfriend, just because you've never had a girlfriend before, or just because the best kiss you've ever gotten is from our Auntie Muriel—"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Ron screamed. "What Aunt Muriel and I have is **SPECIAL!**"

Ginny laughed. "You're such a _loser_!" she said. "Harry snogged Cho Chang, and Hermione snogged Viktor Krum! You're the only one who hasn't snogged anyone!"

"Just because I don't do it in public doesn't mean—"

Ginny laughed again. "What, do you have a picture of Auntie Muriel under your pillow?"

Harry managed to push Ron out of way before he cursed Ginny. "C'mon, Ron, just drop it," Harry said, pushing Ron away.

Ron was grumpy the whole way up to Gryffindor Tower, and was still upset when they went to bed.

Harry lay awake in his bed, trying to sort his feelings about Ginny. He had a crush on her, there was no doubt about that, but seeing her with Dean had made it clear that he would stand no chance of becoming romantically involved with Ginny unless she broke up with Dean. Should Harry just forget about her and focus on someone else instead? But who? Hermione? The Half-Blood Princess?

Meanwhile, over in Ron's bed, Ron was hunched over something, whispering to it softly.

"What are you talking to?" Harry asked.

Ron hastily shoved what he was holding under his pillow. "Nothing!" he said.

"Wait a minute," Harry said. "Is that a picture of your Aunt Muriel that you were talking to?"

"No!" Ron said quickly.

Harry gave Ron a suspicious look.

"Okay, maybe it is," Ron admitted. "So what? That doesn't give my sister to right to kiss people in public!"

Harry lay back down on his bed. He had just thought of another problem: how Ron would react if he knew Harry had a crush on Ginny. Ron would probably be very upset indeed.

Not that Ron wasn't already very upset. Ron's bad mood continued for the rest of the week. In fact, Ron's bad mood didn't end until the morning of the Quidditch match, when he was too nervous to be upset.

"What do you want to drink?" Harry asked Ron at breakfast.

"Anything," Ron said, glumly.

"Pumpkin juice, then," Harry said. He very carefully poured a glass of pumpkin juice for Ron, then handed it to him.

"Don't drink it, Ron!" Hermione said. "I just saw Harry slip something into that drink!"

"What, you think Harry's going to poison me?" Ron asked, taking a defiant drink of the pumpkin juice.

Hermione looked scandalized. "Harry, I can't believe this!" she said.

"Oh, leave us alone," Ron said.

Hermione gave Harry a mean look, then left. Ron and Harry left, too, although they were going to the Quidditch pitch.

"It's pretty _lucky_ the weather is this good," Harry said.

"Yeah..." Ron agreed.

In the changing room, Ginny had good news for them. "Guess what? One of the Slytherin Chasers took a Bludger to the head during practice yesterday, so he's not going to be playing today!"

"What a stroke of _luck_!" Harry said. "Isn't he their best goal scorer?"

"Yes," Ginny said. "That's _lucky_ for us!"

"By the way," Harry said. "There will be a party in Gryffindor Tower after we win the match. You don't need to bring food there, because it's not a pot_luck_."

Suddenly, a chicken walked into the room. "_Luck luck luck luck luck luck luck luck_!" cackled the chicken.

Ron looked up, as if he had realized something. "Hey," he said. "I've been hearing the word 'luck' a lot lately."

"Well, it's not because I put lucky potion in your pumpkin juice this morning," Harry said. "Ha ha!"

The commentator for the Quidditch match was a young boy named Cuddles. "All the players are flying on their brooms," he announced. "They're still flying on their brooms...still flying...flying some more...now it seems that they're, no, wait, they're still flying..."

Harry found the commentary very annoying. Five minutes later, the score was 60-10, in Gryffindor's favor. Ron had made thirty good saves so far.

"And they're _still_ flying," Cuddles announced. "Still flying...still flying...still flying..."

Ron saved another spectacular goal, which made forty saves so far. Meanwhile, Gryffindor scored another twenty points. Seeing his team play so well made Harry smile as he searched for the Snitch.

"In case you're just joining us," Cuddles announced, "We've been watching Gryffindor play against Slytherin for ten minutes now, and so far, the two teams have done nothing but fly around a lot. In fact, they are _still_ flying around, and I don't think they're going to stop anytime soon. Nope, it does not look like that is going to happen, folks. Both teams continue to fly around."

About an hour later, Harry caught a glimpse of the Snitch. He quickly flew towards it, and caught it, ending the game.

"And Harry Potter has caught the Snitch, ending the game, _finally_. After a whole lot of flying around, Gryffindor has won, getting 320 points, as opposed to Slytherin, who only got 7 and 1/2."

Everyone was happy, especially Ron, who had made one hundred and four million, six hundred and fifty-two thousand, four hundred and thirty-nine great saves. The only unhappy Gryffindor cornered Harry and Ron after the match.

"Harry," Hermione said. "Slughorn said it was illegal for you to use lucky potion during sporting events. You shouldn't have put it in Ron's pumpkin juice this morning!"

"Who cares?" Ron asked. "I'm glad he did! We won!"

"Actually," Harry said, holding up his full bottle of Felix Felicis, "I didn't put any lucky potion in Ron's pumpkin juice this morning. I just pretended to! I wanted Ron to think he had taken lucky potion, so I made sure to fake it, when I knew you were watching, Hermione!"

"I didn't have any lucky potion?" Ron asked. "I did all myself?"

Harry nodded his head.

"Ha!" Ron said. He turned on Hermione. "_See_?" he demanded. "I can do a good job of saving goals without any lucky potion!"

"Ron, I didn't say you—"

But Ron had left, looking very angry indeed.

"Why did he get angry at me?" Hermione asked.

"I'm not sure," Harry said. After a pause, he added, "Don't worry about Ron, now. Let's go to the post-victory party waiting for us in the common room."

"You go!" Hermione said. "I'm _sick_ of Ron at the moment! I don't know why he's been so mean lately!"

"I think it has something to do with his Aunt Muriel," Harry said. "You should ask Ginny about it."

Harry walked up to Gryffindor Tower all alone. Once inside, however, he was surrounded by so many people, wishing to congratulate him on the match, that he could barely get away. After some time, he managed to evade the crowd by heading to the drink table, where he ran into Ginny, who had Arnold the Pygmy Puff on her shoulder.

"Looking for Ron?" she asked. "He's over there, the hypocrite."

Ginny pointed to the opposite side of the room, where Harry had a full view of Ron kissing Lavender Brown, even though there was a crowd of people throwing a party in the way.

"I bet he's pretending she's Auntie Muriel," Ginny said nastily. "Oh well. Good game, Harry."

It didn't look like Ron would stop soon, so Harry decided to get himself a butterbeer. As he turned around, he saw Hermione leaving the common room. Harry chased after her.

The corridor outside was deserted. Harry looked around, and after a while, he found Hermione in the Watercoloring classroom, standing behind an easel. She was apparently working on a painting.

"Hello, Hermione," Harry said. "Um...what are you painting?"

"A portrait," Hermione said, in a sad voice. "I have to make sure it's perfect, or else the people in it won't move when I'm finished."

"Who's the portrait of?" Harry asked.

"See for yourself," Hermione said. Harry walked around to the other side of the easel, and saw that Hermione was nearly finished with her portrait, which was of Harry, Ron and Hermione, smiling together.

"I was going to give it to Ron," Hermione said, holding back tears, "to apologize for calling him an insensitive jerk. But I don't think he'd appreciate it anymore."

Ron chose that inopportune moment to show up with Lavender.

"Oops," Lavender said, and she backed out of the room, giggling. Ron stayed inside.

"So..." Ron said, trying to break the ice. "Good game, Harry."

There was a long, awkward pause, during which Hermione's eyes never left Ron's.

"Well...better get going," he said. "I don't want to make Lavender worry about me!"

Hermione ran out of the room. Harry thought her heard her sob as she did so. Ron left the room too, not saying anything.

Before leaving the room himself, Harry noticed that Hermione's portrait had somehow changed from a portrait of Harry, Ron and Hermione to just a portrait of Harry and Hermione.


	15. Cuddles 3

**Author's Note:** Aw, the ending to the last chapter was so sad! The stuff about how portraits are made is purely poetic license, but it seemed to work well. I take a little more poetic license in this chapter, by changing Hermione's date from Cormac McLaggen to...you'll have to read to find out!

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen  
****Cuddles**

Harry quickly found out that Ron and Hermione didn't want to talk to each other any more.

"I don't know what her problem is," Ron said, "and this time it's _not_ because I'm an insensitive jerk. It's because she's mental! I mean, so what if I have a girlfriend? She said she wasn't going to invite me to Slughorn's party anyway!"

"But Ron," Harry asked, "If Hermione _had_ asked you to Slughorn's party, would you have said yes?"

"Well, um, er, um, um, um, er, um, um...uh...um, um, er, hmmm...um...oh...um, er, er, um, oh, er, ah, um, hmmm, um, er, er, um, um, hmmm, uh...hmmm...uh, oh...yes, but just as friends," Ron said.

"You did an awfully large amount of hemming and hawing there," Harry pointed out.

"Did not," Ron said. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm with Lavender now. If Hermione wanted a piece of the Ronster, she's too late for it."

"Ron?"

"Yeah, Harry?"

"Please don't ever call yourself the Ronster ever, ever again."

Ron looked slightly offended. "That's what Lavender calls me, you know."

"No, I don't, silly!" Lavender said, appearing at Ron's side. "I call you Cuddles!"

Harry had to end his conversation with Ron there, as Ron and Lavender started kissing each other like crazy.

"Mmmm...Cuddles, you're so good at kissing..." Lavender moaned.

"Mmmm...you're good too, Auntie Muriel," Ron moaned back.

Lavender broke off, looking scandalized.

"I mean Lavender!" Ron said quickly.

"Ron, our loveless relationship which is going to end in Chapter Twenty-Five can't handle it if you have feelings for someone else!" Lavender cried. "I'm the one you love, right?"

"Right," Ron said. "Let's get back to kissing."

While Lavender spent as much time with Ron as possible, Hermione made an effort to avoid Ron as often as possible.

"I refuse to talk to him anymore!" she told Harry. "He's completely horrible! I don't know why I was friends with him for so long!"

"Well, it couldn't have been his personality or his looks," Harry said. "You know, I'm not sure why you were friends with him for so long, either."

"Well, why are _you_ friends with him, then?" Hermione asked.

"Duh," Harry said. "I have a crush on his sister!"

"You should forget that, Harry," Hermione said. "It looks like I'll never be with Ron, and you'll never be with Ginny."

"You mean you _want_ to be with Ron?" Harry asked.

"Not anymore," Hermione said. "As far as I'm concerned, Ron can date whoever he likes, the scumbag."

Hermione was unusually upset, so Harry wisely decided to change the subject.

"So..." Harry said. "Slughorn's party is coming up."

"I know," Hermione said. "By the way, you're going to have to be careful about that. I hear Romilda Vane is going to try to slip you some love potion to get you to ask her to the party."

"Who's Romilda Vane?" Harry asked.

"One of the unimportant secondary characters in this book," Hermione said.

"Right," Harry said.

"So you'd better get a date soon, if you want to shake Romilda off."

"Hey," Harry said, struck by sudden inspiration. "Why don't you go with me? We're both dateless, after all."

"Fat chance," Hermione said. "Sorry, Harry, but I'm not going to date you in this book. Try going after The Half-Blood Princess instead."

"I don't know who she is!" Harry said angrily. "Listen, Hermione, I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend. I just figured, if we don't have dates—"

"But I _do _have a date for Slughorn's party," Hermione said. "I just haven't told anyone about it yet."

"Who?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I decided to go with someone Ron really hates, just to upset him."

"Well, who is it?" Harry asked.

"Can't say," Hermione said. "I'm being vague so as not to ruin the surprise of who I take to Slughorn's party."

"_Oh_," Harry said.

It appeared that Hermione was right about Romilda Vane trying to slip him love potion, as later that night, she gave him a free box of chocolates.

"Thanks, Romilda," Harry said. "I'll keep them in my trunk until Chapter Eighteen, when it's Ron's birthday and I—whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!"

"I guess not," Romilda Vane said.

All in all, things were so unpleasant with Ron and Hermione not speaking to each other that one of the few pleasures Harry had left was reading The Half-Blood Princess's Diary. He still couldn't figure out who she was, most likely because he was unfamiliar with the girls in Slytherin. One entry seemed to indicate that she was a few years below Harry.

_December 3rd:_

_Everyone's all riled up for the Yule Ball, which is a big Christmas  
dinner and dance that's being held in honor of the Triwizard  
Tournament. Everyone's obsessed with who's going to the Yule Ball with who._

_Personally, I couldn't care less about the Yule Ball, because the people in  
my year aren't allowed to attend. That's why I'm going home for Christmas  
instead of staying here._

_The train for home leaves on Saturday. I can't wait to see my parents again.  
I haven't heard from them at all since I entered Hogwarts, mainly because I  
__have no idea how to send them any mail. I know the other kids use owls to  
send messages to their families, but I don't have an owl, and besides, how do  
owls know where to send mail, anyway? So this will be my first time seeing  
Mom and Dad since September. __They'll be so impressed with all the magic I  
can do know, even though I'm technically not supposed to use magic outside  
of school._

But even reading The Half-Blood Princess's didn't improve matters for Harry. By the last day of the term, Harry still hadn't gotten a date for Slughorn's party.

"Harry, the party is tonight!" Hermione said. "You need to get a date soon!"

"I will," Harry said. "I just can't figure out how!"

"It's easy," Hermione said. "Just ask the next girl who talks to you."

"Sounds good!" Harry said. "Say, why don't you talk to me next, Hermione?"

Hermione said nothing.

"So, how are you today?" Harry asked.

Hermione said nothing.

"Read any good books lately?" Harry asked.

Hermione still said nothing.

"Are you looking forward to see your family for Christmas?" Harry asked.

"She doesn't seem to be talking to you," a voice behind Harry said. He turned around and saw Luna Lovegood.

"Luna!" he cried. "Will you go to Slughorn's party with me tonight?"

"Like a date?" Luna asked.

"No, uh, we're just going as friends," Harry said.

"I've never had a friend before!" Luna said. "I'd love to go! Is it a costume party?"

"No, it's a Christmas party," Harry told her.

"Can I wear a costume anyway?" Luna asked. "I want to go as a butterfly!"

"No butterflies," Harry said. "Just show up in dress robes."

Luna showed up at Gryffindor Tower later that night, wearing dress robes with a large picture of a butterfly on the front.

"C'mon," Harry said. "I want to go to the party so I can see who Hermione took. It's supposed to be someone Ron hates."

"If Ron's not going to the party, how is he going to know who Hermione took?" Luna asked.

"I'm not sure," Harry said.

There were a lot of people at the party, because Slughorn had invited the other teachers to come, as well as a number of his old students. Slughorn was busy eating his fourteenth turkey of the night when Harry and Luna arrived.

"Harry, welcome!" Slughorn cried. "Please, enjoy yourself!"

Harry walked around, trying to find Hermione. "Do you see her anywhere?" he asked Luna.

"No," she said, "But I see Dumbledore in the corner there, singing 'Dancing Queen' on the karaoke machine."

Harry turned to look at Dumbledore, and he noticed Hermione standing by the drink table. He dragged Luna over to Hermione, realizing too late that Professor Trelawney was standing there as well.

"Good evening, dear," Professor Trelawney said to Luna. "I haven't seen you in my classes lately."

"I have Firenze this year," Luna said.

"Right, right," Professor Trelawney said. "You'd _think_ that Dumbledore would have fired the centaur now that I'm teaching again, but noooo...I have to share my classes with him! As if the fact that I've only made two real predictions in the past seventeen years means I'm a bad Divination teacher!"

"That's really fascinating, Professor," Harry said, "but why don't you talk to Dumbledore about it? He's over there." Harry pointed to the corner, where Dumbledore was now singing "My Boyfriend's Back" with Professors McGonagall and Sprout doing backup.

"I believe I will," Trelawney said. She walked away, leaving Harry, Hermione and Luna alone.

"Hermione," Harry said, "Who's your date?"

"Like I said, it's some Ron doesn't like," Hermione said smugly. "In fact, here he comes now."

Harry, Hermione and Luna were joined by Ron's older brother Percy.

"Percy!" Harry exclaimed. "You graduated from Hogwarts three years ago! What are you doing here?"

Percy adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses. "There are special rules for the former Head Boys, Harry," he said. "And I have come here on behalf of the Ministry of Magic with a special proposition for you."

"What proposition?" Harry asked.

"Well, morale at the Ministry of Magic has been very low lately," Percy informed Harry. "We want _you_ to boost it."

"How exactly would I do that?" Harry asked.

"Nothing too complicated," Percy assured him. "All you'd have to do is pop into the Ministry of Magic every now and then and do a simple cheer like this." Percy pulled out a pair of pompoms and broke into a cheerleading routing.

_I like the Ministry, yes I do!  
I like the Ministry, how 'bout you?_

"I'm not going to do that!" Harry said.

"Okay," Percy said. "What about this cheer?"

_Rufus Scrimgeour, he's our man!  
If he can't do it, no one can!_

"Percy," Harry said. "I'm not going to do that!"

"Darn!" Percy said. "Hold on a second, I've got one last cheer for you to see."

_Give me a M-I-N!  
Give me an I-S-T!  
Give me an R-Y-O!  
Give me an F-M-A!  
Give me a G-I-C!  
What's that spell?  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC! MINISTRY OF MAGIC! YAY!_

Percy jumped up and down, and then performed a split. "So, what do you say, Harry?" he asked. "Looks like fun, right?"

"No!" Harry cried. "I'm not going to become a cheerleader for the Ministry, not after all they put me through last year!"

"Aw, shoot," Percy said. "The Minister's not going to be too happy about this."

"Maybe he should focus on destroying Voldemort instead of finding a mascot for the Ministry of Magic," Harry suggested.

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Percy said. "I'll let him know that! Well, see you later Harry! And by 'later', I mean 'probably not at all'."

"Goodbye, then!" Harry said.

All of a sudden, Harry noticed Malfoy going down the corridor outside, because it's easy to see what people outside are doing when you're in the back of a crowded party. Harry grabbed Hermione.

"Malfoy's going down the corridor," Harry hissed, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak. I'm not sure why Harry thought he needed to bring the Invisibility Cloak to a Christmas party. "Let's follow him!"

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Because he's going down the corridor!" Harry said, throwing the cloak over the two of them.

"This seems strangely familiar," Hermione mused.

"That's because the exact same thing happened in Chapter Six," Harry reminded her.

"_Oh,_" Hermione said.

Harry and Hermione managed to catch up with Malfoy just in time to see him enter an empty classroom, where Snape was waiting for him, even though that technically means the classroom wasn't empty after all.

"You cannot afford to be expelled, Draco," Snape said, by way of greeting.

"Hello to you, too," Malfoy said.

"I am serious, Draco," Snape said. "If you are expelled, the plan will fail."

"What do you care?" Malfoy sneered.

"I made the Unbreakable Vow with your mother, Draco," Snape said softly. "Therefore, Draco, I must ensure that the plan is successful."

"How are you going to make it's successful?" Malfoy asked.

"I'm not sure, Draco," Snape said. "But I'm really having a blast calling you Draco, Draco."

"I noticed," Malfoy said, "and I wish you would stop."

"Would you rather have me call you Cuddles, Draco?" Snape asked.

"No," Malfoy sneered. "Can I go now?"

"Not yet, Draco," Snape said. "First, I want you to promise me that you'll be more careful from now on."

"I promise," Malfoy said, bored. "Goodbye." Malfoy left the room, nearly running into Harry and Hermione under the Invisibility Cloak.

Harry and Hermione watched as Snape left, too. As soon as the coast was clear, they removed the Invisibility Cloak.

"I don't believe it, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Don't believe what?" Harry asked.

"You left your date at the party all alone!" Hermione said. "Did you forget about Luna? She's probably going to leave you for someone else!"

"Not to be mean, but I don't think anyone would want to steal Luna away from me," Harry said.

"Well, either way, it's rude for you to leave your date stranded at a party," Hermione said.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," Harry said. They went back to Slughorn's party. "See?" Harry said, gesturing towards the crowd. "I don't see Luna with anyone else!"

Harry looked triumphant, until he realized that he couldn't see Luna at all. "Hey, where did Luna go?" he asked.

Hermione gasped, and pointed towards the corner. Harry looked at the corner, where Luna was singing "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" on the karaoke machine, accompanied by Percy.

"Darn!" Harry cried. "At this rate, I'm never going to get a girlfriend in this book!"

"There's always book number seven," Hermione said, reasonably.


	16. A Christmas Interlude

**Author's Note:** Time for a Christmas interlude! Just a word of warning, this chapter doesn't entirely fit in with the others. It's a quasi-romantic chapter, rather than a humor-based chapter.

I wanted to have the entire Weasley family in this chapter, but I didn't know who their relatives were. I tried looking it up, but all I could find was something on JK Rowling's website, about a character named Mafalda who was cut out of Goblet of Fire. Mafalda is related to the Weasleys, by means of the accountant second cousin that Ron mentions in passing in the first book. So I decided to use Mafalda in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen  
****A Christmas Interlude**

Harry went to Ron's house of Christmas break, and a week or so later, the two of them were peeling potatoes for Mrs. Weasley in the kitchen. Just then, Fred and George, who had been living in their apartment in Diagon Alley, showed up at the Burrow. Naturally, the first thing they did was tease Ron.

"So Ron," Fred began. "We heard the craziest rumour yesterday."

"Something about you having a girlfriend," George said.

"An actual _human_ girlfriend," Fred added. "Not just the photo of Auntie Muriel that you keep under your pillow."

Ron's ears turned red. "Mind your own business," he said.

Harry thought he heard Ron mutter, "How did they know about that photo?", but it could have just been his imagination.

Fred turned to Harry. "Harry, is it true, mate? Does Ron have a girlfriend? Who?"

"Lavender Brown," Harry said. "She's in our year."

Fred turned to George. "Ha! I win! Pay up, George!"

"Darn!" George said. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few Galleons, and handed them to Fred.

Ron was furious. "You two were making bets over who my girlfriend would be?"

"Not _who_," Fred grinned. "_When_."

"I didn't think it'd be any time this century," George said. "I can't believe I lost."

Ron started swearing at Fred and George, but Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came in, then, and he quickly shut up.

"Sorry about making you work during your break, boys," Mrs. Weasley said, "but we're having the entire Weasley family come by for Christmas, and we've got to have enough food for all of them."

"The entire Weasley family?" Harry asked.

"Every relative we could contact," Mrs. Weasley said. "We want them all to meet Bill and Fleur before their wedding."

"Even your second cousin the accountant?" Fred asked.

"Yes, he's going to be stopping by for a bit," Mrs. Weasley said.

"But why?" George asked. "He's a Muggle, isn't he?"

"That's why I invited him!" Mr. Weasley said, eagerly. "Him and his daughter Mafalda!"

George gave Fred a look. "I didn't know this was going to turn into an OC fanfic," he muttered.

"Me neither," said Fred. "If this turns into a slash fanfic, I'm getting out of here."

Just then, the doorbell rang. "Oh my goodness, that's some of our relatives now!" Mrs. Weasley said distractedly, while running to answer the door.

"I didn't know we had a doorbell," Fred remarked.

"Me neither," George said. "Wonder who it is?"

From the hallway, someone shrieked, "Where's my godson?"

"Oh no," Ron said, crouching down behind Harry. "Hide me."

An extremely old woman hobbled into the kitchen. "Ronnie!" she commanded. "Come over here and give your Auntie Muriel a big hug!"

Fred and George smirked as Ron reluctantly got up to hug his aunt, who covered him with kisses as he did so. "You've gotten so big, Ronnie!" she squealed.

"Where's Uncle Sherm?" Fred asked.

"I'll be there in a moment," Uncle Sherm called from the hallway. "I need to drop our stuff off in our room. Where is our room, anyway?"

"You'll be bunking in Fred and George's old room," Mrs. Weasley said.

"Excellent," Fred and George said to each other at the same time.

"No way, Molly," Muriel said. "If I have to stay in this house, I'm going to be staying with Ronnie."

"But I'm staying with Ron!" Harry exclaimed.

"What? What's that?" asked Auntie Muriel, who was not used to being contradicted. "How dare you tell me what to do! I'm 106 years old! Who do you think you are? You—you—wait, are you _Harry Potter_?"

"Yes," Harry said.

"Ron, you made friends with Harry Potter?" Muriel exclaimed. "I'm so proud of you!"

"We've been friends since first year," Ron mumbled.

"Oh, Ronnie, that's wonderful!" Muriel said, pulling Ron into another bear hug.

"Ah, let go of the poor kid, Muriel," said a man who was obviously Ron's Uncle Sherm. He was completely bald, and his head was covered in freckles, which gave the odd impression that his head had red polka dots. "You're going to choke him if you're not careful."

"Uncle Sherm!" Fred cried, getting up from the table. "How's it going?"

"Great!" Uncle Sherm said. "I heard you two started a joke shop, so I hunted around the attic for a couple of gag items that I created back when I was your age!"

Harry immediately got the feeling that Uncle Sherm was part of the inspiration for Fred and George's constant misbehavior.

"You made some joke items just for us?" George asked. "Thanks, Uncle Sherm!"

"Don't be ridiculous. I didn't make them for you. I made them years ago." Uncle Sherm fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a purple bag. "Check this out: it's a self-inflating whoopee cushion!"

"Cool!" Fred said.

"This one has an Illusionment Charm put upon it, so whoever's being pranked can't find it!"

"Great idea!" George said. "But of course, we'll need to see how well it works in a testing situation."

Three more groups of guests arrived later that day to spend Christmas Eve in the Burrow. The first group consisted of Mr. Weasley's sister Isabella, who had married a man named Stephen and had twin toddlers ("We definitely didn't cry that much when we were that age," George had whispered to Harry).

The next relative to show up was a widower named Frank who looked so old that Harry had a hard time believing he was Mrs. Weasley's cousin.

The last group of guests showed up during dinner that night, just after Mr. Weasley discovered the self-inflating whoopee cushion that Fred, George and Uncle Sherm had put on his chair.

"That'll be my son and his family," Frank said. "I'll let them in."

"Is there going to be enough food?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"There should be," Mrs. Weasley said.

Frank came in then, followed by a man in a suit who had to be his son. The man looked rather apprehensive, as did his wife. Their daughter, however, merely looked bored.

"Ah, you must be the Muggles!" Mr. Weasley cried, getting up to shake their hands.

"I'm not a Muggle," the girl said, sounding hurt. "I've been going to Hogwarts for two and a half years already."

"How nice," Mr. Weasley said. "Shall I draw up a chair for you, er—?"

"Mafalda," she said. "And no, I can do it myself, thanks." Mafalda took out her wand and waved in the air, and three chairs appeared for her and her family.

"I thought you're not supposed to do magic during the holidays," Mafalda's father said as he sat down.

"That rule doesn't apply in wizard houses," George said helpfully. "Fred and I got away with all sorts of underage magic when we lived here."

"George!" Mrs. Weasley said. "Set a better example for your relatives!"

"Sorry, Mum," George said.

"So, you're in your third year, and you can already make chairs," Uncle Sherm said. "That's impressive. You must be a Ravenclaw. They're really good at that sort of thing."

"I'm a Slytherin, actually," Mafalda said, slyly.

An odd chill went down Harry's spine. He had thought that all of the Weasley family had been in Gryffindor, and he wasn't sure he liked the idea of a Slytherin being related to them, however distant the relation might be.

The odd feeling Harry had did not go away as the night progressed, as Mafalda proved herself to be an extremely annoying showoff, much like Fleur Delacour. It was much to Harry's displeasure, therefore, that he learned he would be sleeping with Mafalda that night, as Aunt Muriel had moved into Ron's room, taking over Harry's usual bed.

"So," Mafalda said that night, after coming from the bathroom to change into her nightgown, "Looks like we get to sleep together."

"Sounds like it," Harry said.

"Just me and the Chosen One," Mafalda said. "I'm warning you, though: try anything funny while I'm sleeping tonight, and I'll jinx you so bad you won't come back from St. Mungo's for three months."

"Good night to you, too," Harry said, climbing into his bed. "There's no need to be rude. I wasn't planning on touching you or your bed."

Mafalda looked offended, then reflectful. "Sorry," she said. "I'm sure you're a relatively decent person. It's just that all I ever hear of you about you is vicious stories."

"Who's been telling vicious stories about me?" Harry asked.

"Lots of the Slytherins do," Mafalda said. "They're always talking about how you're a bad Quidditch captain and stuff like that."

"Yeah, I'm so bad that we beat Slytherin in the last match," Harry said, sarcastically.

Mafalda giggled. "My thoughts exactly," she said. "If they want to win at Quidditch, they should try to get some players whose brains are larger than a Snitch."

Harry and Mafalda continued talking with each other, and it developed into quite a nice chat, until Mrs. Weasley came by to insist that they go to sleep so they would be well-rested for the big Christmas party. Harry was pleasantly surprised to find that his first impressions of Mafalda were entirely wrong, and that she was rather easy to get along with. Sure, she was sometimes a showoffy know-it-all, but then again, Harry reflected, so was Hermione.

Harry's Christmas presents the next morning included a Weasley sweater, some Weasley's Wizard Wheezes products, three boxes of chocolate from Professor Lupin, and a large package from Hermione, which was revealed to be the portrait of Harry and Hermione that she had been working on in Chapter Fourteen.

"Who's that from?" Mafalda asked. "Your girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," Harry said. "Hermione's just a friend of mine."

Mafalda snorted. "Lots of friends for the Chosen One," she said.

"I know," Harry said. "That's why you've been working so hard to become one."

"We're not friends," Mafalda said. "I'd say we're more acquaintances."

Harry gave Mafalda a questioning look.

"Okay," she admitted. "I'd say we're friends. But don't tell anyone else, okay?"

"Why not?" Harry asked.

"I don't want people to know I'm friendly with the person who took Loony Lovegood to Slughorn's Christmas party."

"How'd you know I took Luna to—" Harry began, then remembered seeing her at the party. "Oh, you're a member of the Slug Club, aren't you?"

"Of course," Mafalda said. "I've been the first in my year for two years running. And if all goes well, I'll be top in my exams this year, too."

"Good for you," Harry said, getting a head start on his chocolate.

That Christmas was quite an affair, with over a hundred Weasleys coming by for dinner. Harry had never seen so much red hair in his life, not even when looking at the fans of the Irish team at the Quidditch World Cup.

Ron had to constantly introduce Harry to people, all of whom seemed delighted to meet him, except a hard-of-hearing Uncle Alfredas who thought Ron had introduced him to a "Hair Medotter".

The dinner itself was a great success, and Harry was not likely to forget it anytime soon. His only regret was not being able to give a proper goodbye to Mafalda, whom he did not see at all after the party had started.

Then again, Harry figured, he probably wasn't going to see a lot of her at Hogwarts, either. As nice as she was to Harry during Christmas Break, she would probably act differently once they were back in school. Ginny, he realized, was living proof of this.

Harry sighed and rolled onto his side. "Oh well," he said. "At least now that this chapter is over, we can get back to the comedy."

* * *

**Author's Note:** And get back to the comedy we shall! Next chapter, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled program of ridiculousness, even though it was kind of fun to write AU, for a chapter at least. It probably wasn't a good idea to write an AU chapter in a direct parody fanfic, but whatever. I had fun!


	17. More Memories

**Author's Note:** I don't own Harry Potter. Hard to believe, I know.

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen  
****More Memories**

Harry, Ron and Ginny went back to Hogwarts together, through the Floo Gate in Professor McGonagall's office.

"We make a good team, you know," Ron said. "Harry, Ron, and Ginny. Y'know, we need someone to replace Hermione in the Trio. How about it, Ginny?"

"No way," Ginny said. "You two will make up by Chapter Nineteen, after you—Whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!"

"Baubles," Ron said confidently to the Fat Lady, this being the password to get into Gryffindor Tower.

"No," the Fat Lady said.

"What d'you mean, 'no'?"

"There's a new password," she said.

"Harry! Ginny!" Hermione was running towards them.

"What's the new password?" Harry asked.

"Cuddles," Hermione said, "but I have something to give to you before we go in the common room, Harry."

_Please let it be a kiss, please let it be a kiss..._ Harry silently prayed.

"It's a letter from Dumbledore," Hermione said, pulling it out of her bag.

"DARN!" Harry shouted. "I mean, er, a letter from Dumbledore! How nice!"

Hermione gave Harry a strange look as he read:

_Dear Harry,_

_Come to my office so we can look at more memories about Voldemort._

_Albus Perceival Wulfric Snuffleupagus Dumbledore_

"Dumbledore wants me to see him," Harry said. "I'd better go."

Harry hurried to Dumbledore's office as quickly as he could. Inside, Dumbledore was busy reading his signed copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

"Hello, Professor," Harry said. "How was your Christmas?"

"Not good," Dumbledore said. "Once again, people gave me books instead of socks."

"_Socks_ to be you, then," Harry giggled.

Dumbledore groaned. "If you're going to make jokes like that, let's skip the small talk and get straight to seeing the memories," he said.

"Okay!" Harry said.

Dumbledore then started a recap of everything we know about Voldemort so far, just in case you weren't paying attention during chapter thirteen. "We last left off with Tom Riddle in the orphanage at age eleven. He went to Hogwarts and quickly became a favorite of all the teachers, excelling in all his lessons. He became obsessed with trying to figure out who his parents were, expecting to find some famous wizard named Riddle. He became greatly disappointed when, after years of research, the only relative he could find was Marvolo Gaunt.

"And now, let us journey back, back over fifty years ago, when Tom Riddle was a mere teenager…"

"Wait a second," Harry said. "Fifty years ago? Does that mean Voldemort's over seventy years old?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said.

Harry had a sudden vision of Voldemort wearing dentures and walking with a cane, as Dumbledore pulled him into the Pensieve. Once again, they were at the House of Gaunt, although this time everything was _much_ dirtier. No one was there except Morfin, who had a gigantic beard now.

The door opened, and in stepped the teenage Voldemort.

"_You!_" Morfin cried. "_I'll kill you!_"

Morfin pulled out a knife and stumbled towards Voldemort. "_Stop,_" Riddle commanded in Parseltongue.

"_You speak it?_" Morfin asked.

"_I speak it_," Riddle said, looking around. "The people who live here—where are they? Is it just you?"

"_It's just me, Morfin. The rest have all gone. Marvolo died, died years ago, didn't he? Merope, she done left and married a Muggle! Dishonored us, she did, that little slut!_"

"Woah!" Tom Riddle said. "You can say the word 'slut' in a children's book?"

"If you think that's bad, wait till you see what Mrs. Weasley says when she kills Bellatrix in Book Seven," Morfin said.

"Oh, I can't wait to read that one," Tom Riddle agreed. "Although I hear something bad happens to me in the end, so I'm kind of nervous about reading Deathly Hallows. I haven't bought a copy yet."

"Well, you're not borrowing _my _copy," Morfin said.

"What?" Tom Riddle yelled. "You're not going to share with me? You jerk! _Stupefy!_"

At that moment, everything grew black and the memory ended.

"What happened after that, Professor?" Harry asked.

"Shortly after this, Voldemort's father and grandparents were killed, and Morfin was sentenced to life in Azkaban for it," Dumbledore said. "I think Morfin was framed, but, sadly, he died before I could secure his release. But enough talk of Morfin; there's another memory to see. This one might be the most important memory of all."

Dumbledore and Harry went into the new memory. This memory was one of Professor Slughorn's. It was a meeting of the Slug Club, and the various club members were watching Professor Slughorn drink wine and eat crystallized pineapple. (**Author's Note:** Boy, that sounds like a fun club meeting, doesn't it, folks?)

"Professor, is it true Professor Merrythought is retiring?" Tom Riddle—who was, of course, a member of the Slug Club—asked.

"Tom, Tom, I couldn't tell you if I knew!" Slughorn scolded gently.

Just then, the memory went blurry, and Slughorn's voice sounded. "_You'll go wrong, boy, mark my words! You're foul! You're bad! You're pure dang nasty evil! And in case anyone's wondering, I always thought Tom Riddle had a stupid-looking haircut!_"

The memory then came back into focus. "Well, that's the end of the meeting, then!" Slughorn said. "See you all next week!"

Everyone left the room, except for Tom Riddle, who hung back. "Professor," Tom asked Slughorn, "I was wondering…do you know anything about Horcruxes?"

The memory became blurry again. "_Horcruxes? I don't know anything about Horcruxes! It sounds like a nasty disease to me! Now leave me alone and stop asking me stupid questions, and don't come back unless you're bringing me a turkey dinner!_"

The memory ended on that delicious note. "As you can see," Dumbledore said, "Professor Slughorn has obviously tampered with that memory."

"Is there any way you can fix the memory?" Harry asked.

"Sadly, no," said Dumbledore. "So that's going to be _your_ job."

"_My_ job?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "Your homework is to get the rest of the memory from Professor Slughorn. Convince him to show you what really happens in the blurry parts. Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Professor," Harry said, opening the door to leave. "I'll do my best."

"Oh, and Harry," Dumbledore said.

Harry turned to look at Dumbledore, who bowed his head.

"Good luck with the blurred task."


	18. Harry Stalks Malfoy

**Chapter Eighteen  
****Harry Stalks Malfoy**

The next day, Harry told Ron and Hermione about the memories Dumbledore had shown him. Ron told Harry that he thought it'd be easy to get the memory from Slughorn. At least, that's what Harry _thought_ Ron said. It was little hard to hear what Ron was saying, as he was busy snogging Lavender Brown at the time.

Hermione, however, was not so optimistic. "Harry, you're going to have to be really careful," she said. "I bet Horcruxes are some kind of advanced dark magic, and if Professor Slughorn changed his memory, he clearly isn't keen on talking about them."

"Ron thinks I won't have much trouble," Harry said.

"Don't talk to me about Ron!" Hermione scolded. "I'm not talking about him again until he apologizes for being a complete jerk!"

"Aw, c'mon, Hermione, won't you—"

"No, I won't! Go hang out with Ron, if you like him better than me!"

Hermione walked away in a huff. Her bad mood continued even up to Potions Class, where she moved her normal seat as far away from Harry as possible.

"Why's Hermione mad at you, mate?" Ron asked Harry.

"She caught me snogging Lavender," Harry answered, sarcastically.

Ron sputtered. "You-you WHAT?"

"Oh, shut up, Ron. It was just a joke."

"She's my girlfr—!"

Ron and Harry's discussion was interrupted by the sound of Professor Slughorn noisily eating potato chips.

"Good day, class!" Slughorn said. "Today, we're going to be working on antidotes for poisons! But first we need to understand the theory behind it. Who can tell me about Cuddles' Third Law of Potions? Ah, Miss Granger can!"

Hermione recited: "Cuddles' Third Law states that the antidote for a blended poison will be equal to more than the sum of the antidotes for each of the separate components."

"Right! So, if we accept Cuddles' Third Law as true…"

Harry and Ron stopped paying attention then, expecting to be able to use the Half-Blood Princess' potions book to explain what to do. Unfortunately for them, it turned out that they had to analyze potions that day, instead of making potions like they usually did.

"Too bad for you, Harry!" Hermione gloated, even though she wasn't talking to him. "You can't use your book to skip through this! This lesson depends on theory, not on potion-making!"

Harry grumbled and skipped to the section of the book they were covering. Hermione, as always, was right. The Half-Blood Princess, whoever she was, had not written anything there.

"Oh no!" Ron muttered.

Harry and Ron desperately scrambled that lesson, trying to figure out what they were supposed to do. At the end of the lesson, they were nowhere close to even _starting_ their antidotes. In desperation, Harry turned to the back of the book where he found **The Potions Lesson of Plot Convenience**.

**The Potions Lesson of Plot Convenience** was a list of poisons, with a note saying "Eating a bezoar will cure you from any of these poisons".

"Thank you, Half-Blood Princess," Harry whispered. "If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to give you a big, fat kiss."

"Did you say _kiss_?" Ron asked, picking up on his favorite word.

"Never mind," Harry said, heading to the Potions Storage Room and grabbing a bezoar. He then turned in the bezoar as his final potion.

Slughorn laughed when he saw this. "Ha ha! Brilliant, Harry! A bezoar will certainly work as an antidote for all these poisons! Full marks, and ten points to Gryffindor! Class dismissed!"

Hermione gave Harry a mean look as she left the classroom, clearly upset that he had gotten more points than she had. Harry, however, ignored her, and hung back in the classroom until all the other students had left, planning on doing the exact same thing that Voldemort had done when _he_ had asked Slughorn about Horcruxes.

"Professor?" Harry asked.

"Yes, Harry, what is it?" Slughorn asked.

"I was wondering…do you know anything about…Horcruxes?"

Slughorn's eyes grew wide and his stomach started jiggling like a bowl full of jelly. "Horcruxes? Did you say…Horcruxes?"

"Yes," Harry said.

"Dumbledore showed you that memory, didn't he? DIDN'T HE?"

"He did," Harry admitted.

"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HORCRUXES!" Professor Slughorn shouted. "NEVER ASK ME ABOUT THEM AGAIN!"

Slughorn ran out of the room, moving surprisingly fast for a man his size.

"Darn," Harry said to himself. "That could have gone better."

* * *

Harry went to tell Ron and Hermione about his failed attempt at getting the memory from Slughorn, but when he got back to the Gryffindor Common Room, he found it abuzz with news.

"They're giving Apparition lessons for sixth and seventh years!" Ron said. "Now I'll be able to Apparate! How cool!"

"The first lesson is in the next section of this chapter!" Dean Thomas said. "That's great!"

"What are we waiting for, then?" Seamus Finnigan asked. "Let's skip to the next section!"

* * *

The older students headed for the Great Hall, where Apparition Lessons were set to begin. All the house tables had been removed and hoops were placed everywhere.

An old, tiny wizard stood at the head of the hall, along with all the teachers. "I am Cuddles Twycross," he said. "I am the Ministry-approved teacher of Apparition. In order to Apparate, you need to remember the three D's: Destination, Determination, and Doughnuts—I mean, Deliberation!"

"Malfoy! Be quiet!" Professor McGonagall barked.

Harry, who was still quite suspicious about Malfoy being up to no good, snuck around behind Malfoy, who was arguing with Crabbe and Goyle.

"I don't _know_ how long it'll be, okay?" Malfoy said. "You two just shut up and stand guard for me! I'll let you know when it's done!"

"Suspicious," Harry said to himself. "Very suspicious."

After the Apparition lesson, which was rather uneventful unless you count Susan Bones splinching herself as interesting, Harry went straight to his room and pulled out the Maurader's Map.

"What are you doing, mate?" Ron asked.

"Malfoy's up to something," Harry said. "I'm going to find out what. From now on, I'm going to use the Maurader's Map to spy on him and see wherever he goes."

"Okay, you're kinda starting to worry me," Ron said. "It sounds like you're stalking Malfoy."

"I am not!" Harry said. "I'm just going to watch his every move without him knowing about it! That's totally different from stalking him!"

"Sure, Harry, sure," Ron said. "I don't care what you do about Malfoy. Just make sure to get me a cool birthday present, okay?"

"Oh yeah, your birthday's coming up soon!" Harry said. Harry had completely forgotten about Ron's birthday, because this was the first time it was mentioned in this book. Or the Harry Potter series, for that matter.

* * *

The next few weeks, Harry concentrated on trying to get the memory from Professor Slughorn. Sadly, Harry had a hard time finding Slughorn, who seemed to be avoiding him. He had an even harder time finding Malfoy, who had the odd habit of disappearing off the Maurader's Map for hours at a time.

"This proves that Malfoy's up to no good!" Harry said. "What do you think, Hermione?"

"I think you're a bit obsessed with Malfoy," Hermione said, who was flipping through a few Defense Against the Dark Arts books, looking for some information on Horcruxes. "Why don't you take a break from Malfoy and go back to worrying about girls?"

"I've given up trying to find a girlfriend," Harry said. "I mean, I've already failed with practically every girl I know. Cho doesn't like me anymore, you refuse to go out with me, Parvati's still kind of upset about the Yule Ball thing, Ginny already has a boyfriend, and the only other Gryffindor girl I know is dating my best friend!"

"It's okay, Harry," Hermione said, patting him on the shoulder. "I read ahead in this book, and I can assure you that you'll girlfriend in Chapter Twenty-Four."

"Great!" Harry said. "When you read ahead, did you find out what Malfoy has been up to?"

"Oh, for goodness sake, will you shut up about Malfoy for five minutes?" Hermione exclaimed. "You're almost as bad as Ron and Lavender!"

Harry ignored Hermione, and continued to stalk Malfoy, even on Ron's birthday. After giving Ron his present, the first thing Harry did open his trunk and search for the Marauder's Map.

"Keeper gloves! Cool!" Ron said, opening Harry's present. "Thanks, Harry!"

"You're welcome," Harry said, throwing out an old box of Chocolate Cauldrons in his search.

"Ooo! A second present!" Ron said, grabbing the box of Chocolate Cauldrons and immediately starting to eat them."

Harry, meanwhile, had found the Marauder's Map. To his disappointment, he couldn't find Malfoy anywhere on the map. He put the map away and looked up just in time to see an odd expression on Ron's face.

"Ron? You okay?" Harry asked.

Ron sighed. "Sorry, Harry. I…I can't think right now."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Harry, I'm in love with her."

"In love with who? Hermione?"

"No."

"Lavender?"

"No."

"Well, it had better _not_ be Ginny," Harry said. "Because **I** have a crush on her."

"It's none of those girls!" Ron said sharply. "I'm in love with…Romilda Vane!"

"Romilda Vane?" Harry asked. "The fourth year?"

"I love her," Ron said. "She's got the _greatest_ name ever."

"Okay, you're acting really weird right now," Harry said. "You need to—"

Then Harry suddenly remembered Chapter Fifteen, where Romilda Vane gave Harry the box of Chocolate Cauldrons that Ron just ate. "Oh no!" Harry said. "Those are the Chocolate Cauldrons that got spiked with love potion!"

"Love? Did you say love? I _love_ Romilda Vane!" Ron said enthusiastically.

"Oh, great…" Harry muttered. "C'mon, Ron, we have to go see Professor Slughorn."

"Why?" Ron asked. "Is Romilda Vane going to be there?"

"Uh, sure," Harry said, grabbing Ron's hand and leading him outside.

Lavender was waiting outside the door. "Happy birthday Won-Won!" she said. "I got you a present!"

"Leave me alone, Lavender!" Ron said. "Harry's taking me to see Romilda Vane! I love her!"

Lavender's face fell, either from disappointment that Ron declared his love for another woman, or from confusion that Ron, for the first time, had said something to her which had nothing to do with snogging.

Harry took Ron straight to Professor Slughorn's office and knocked on the door. Slughorn answered after only one knock, which is odd because he's supposed to be avoiding Harry.

"Harry," Slughorn said, chewing on a muffin. "This is very early for a call…I generally don't usually finish breakfast until 2:30 on the weekends…"

"I'm sorry for disturbing you," Harry said. "But my friend Ron has accidentally swallowed a love potion. Can you make us an antidote before he does something stupid?"

"Where's Romilda?" Ron said, trying to shove past Harry. "Is she here?"

"Please, Professor, it's his birthday," Harry pleaded.

"Well, okay," Slughorn said, opening the door. "I've got the ingredients here, and it doesn't take long to make."

Ron ran into the room and tripped over a pumpkin that Slughorn had been saving for lunch. "Where's Romilda? Where's Romilda? Is she here? Where is she?"

"She'll be here soon, Ron," Harry said. "Just hold on."

"I want to see her! I love her like Dobby loves socks!"

"Here you go, drink this," Professor Slughorn said, finishing the antidote and handing it to Ron. "It's a tonic for your nerves."

"Great!" Ron said, drinking it down. Soon afterwards, Ron's face turned into an expression of horror, and he collapsed into a chair. "Oh no! What have I done?"

"Ah, don't worry, Ron," Harry said. "It wasn't your fault you were acting stupid over a girl. Besides, you should be used to that by now."

"Thanks a lot, Harry," Ron said sarcastically.

"What you need is a pick-me-up!" Slughorn said, pulling out some wine. "And I've got a bottle of Rosmerta's finest mead! She told me to give it to Dumbledore for Christmas, but…I'm sure Dumbledore won't mind!"

Slughorn poured a glass all three of them. He raised his glass and said, "Despite your mishap, I wish a very happy birthday to you, Ralph Fiennes…"

"His name is Ron Weasley," Harry whispered.

But Ron wasn't listening; he gulped down his entire glass before Slughorn had finished the toast. Suddenly, his face turned blue, his eyes bulged from their sockets and foam came dribbling out of his mouth.

"Ron!" Harry bellowed. "Ron, no!"

Harry looked around. Ron was clearly dying, and Harry needed to find some way to save him. Harry thought hard, then remembered **The Potions Lesson of Plot Convenience**. Harry immediately ran to the Potions cupboard, pulled out a bezoar, then shoved it down Ron's throat. Immediately, Ron shuddered. The color came back to his face, and he fell down to the ground, unmoving.


	19. Cuddles 4

**Author's Note:** Hey, everyone, I had an idea! An idea of how to create suspense about the Half-Blood Princess' real identity! Cool!

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen  
****Cuddles**

That night, Harry, Hermione and the younger Weasley children gathered around Ron's bed in the hospital wing.

"So, Ron is going to be okay?" Fred asked.

"Madam Pomfrey says he'll be fine in about a week," Harry said.

"Blimey, what a horrible way to spend your birthday," George said. "Are you sure it was poison?"

"Dumbledore checked," Ginny said. "The wine that Rosmerta gave to Slughorn was poisoned."

"I bet Malfoy poisoned it!" Harry burst out suddenly.

Everyone groaned.

"Will you shut up about Malfoy?" Ginny exclaimed.

"Seriously, mate, we're getting tired of it," Fred said.

"No, it's totally Malfoy who did it!" Harry insisted. "Think about it! He's…he's Malfoy! It _had_ to be him!"

Everyone ignored Harry. "Personally, I think whoever poisoned Ron was the person who gave Katie Bell the cursed necklace," Hermione said. "Both the necklace and the wine came from Hogsmeade."

"Hermione…" Ron groaned at the sound of her voice. "I…love…you…"

Hermione turned pink. Fortunately, the moment was interrupted by the entrance of the Weasley parents and Hagrid.

"Harry, you saved Ron!" Mrs. Weasley cried, hugging him immediately. "We can't thank you enough! If there's anything we can do for you..."

_Let me be Ginny's boyfriend...let me be Ginny's boyfriend... _Harry thought, as the beast in his chest started panting eagerly. "Er…don't mention it," he mumbled.

"No more than six people in the room than once!" Madam Pomfrey ordered, shooing the non-Weasleys out of the room.

Hagrid led Harry and Hermione back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"S'awful 'bout R'n bein' poison'd," Hagrid said, showing off his impressive ability with apostrophes. "S'like the Chamber o' Secrets all over again. No wonner Dumbledore's angry with Sn—"

"Dumbledore's angry with Snape?" Harry asked, which shows that Malfoy is not the only Slytherin he can be obsessed with.

"Awh!" Hagrid said, looking mad at himself. "I shouldn't've said tha' Harry, pretend yeh never heard it!"

"Why is Dumbledore mad at Snape?" Harry asked.

"I dunno!" Hagrid said. "I jus' kinna overheard them arguin' in the forest th' other day!"

"What were they arguing about?"

"Look, it's none of yer business," Hagrid said. "Whatever they talked about is strictly private between Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel—I mean, Dumbledore an' Snape."

"Hmmm…" said Harry suspiciously. However, Harry couldn't ask Hagrid any more questions, as they had just reached the Gryffindor Common Room. After saying goodbye to Hagrid, Harry and Hermione entered.

"Well, good night, Hermione," Harry said.

"Night," Hermione sniffed.

Harry headed up the stairs to the boys' dormitory, but he was accosted by Cuddles—I mean, Cormac McLaggen.

"Harry!" Cormac said. "I've been waiting for you all night!"

"Er, you have?" Harry asked, quickly trying to remember who Cormac McLaggen is.

"I saw them taking Ron Weasley to the Hospital Wing," Cormac said. "It looks like he's too sick to play in the Quidditch game this Sunday."

"Oh yeah!" Harry said. "You were the runner-up in the Keeper tryouts!"

"Darn right I was!" Cormac said. "Does that mean I can take Ron's place in the game?"

"Um…sure," Harry said, who couldn't think of anyone else who could serve as Ron's replacement.

"Great! There's a few strategies I've worked out and—"

"Sorry, but it's kind of late," Harry interrupted. "I'm going to bed."

Harry went to bed, but didn't fall asleep. Instead, he lay awake wondering what Snape and Dumbledore could have fought about. Did Snape think Dumbledore was asking for too much? Did Dumbledore think Snape wasn't keeping a close enough watch on Malfoy? Or was Dumbledore just trying to convince Snape to shampoo his hair for once?

Unable to answer such questions, Harry eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

There were three reasons why the next week was really bad for Harry. The first reason was Cormac McLaggen, who seemed to be channeling Oliver Wood's spirit. He spent a good deal of time discussing Quidditch strategy with Harry and telling the other players what to do. Several times, Harry had to remind Cormac who the team captain was.

The second reason Harry had a bad week was Lavender Brown. Now that Ron was in the Hospital Wing, Lavender took advantage of the opportunity to ask Harry a bunch of questions about Ron's various feelings.

"Does Ron think our relationship is serious?"

"I don't know, Lavender."

"Why did he call me 'Auntie Muriel' the last time we kissed?"

"I don't know, Lavender."

"Does Ron think Dumbledore should change his name to Smartbledore?"

"I don't know, Lavender!"

But what was worse than either Cormac or Lavender was the mysterious letter Harry got on Wednesday morning.

_Harry,_

_I know you're using my old Potions book. Using it, and  
getting a reputation for Potions mastery that you don't  
deserve. I bet you're also reading my diary entries, you jerk._

_I want my book back, and I'm coming to get it in Chapter  
Twenty-Seven. If you don't give it to me, I'll do something nasty to you._

_Signed,_

_The Half-Blood Princess_

"Uh oh," Harry said. "I think the Half-Blood Princess is mad at me."

"I told you all along that you shouldn't have been using her book," Hermione said, smugly.

"What do I do now?" Harry asked.

"Give her back her book, obviously," Hermione said.

"And fail Potions?" Harry asked. "No way. I'm keeping the book."

Harry sounded confident, but secretly, he couldn't help but shudder to think at what a talented witch like the Half-Blood Princess would consider nasty.

* * *

The day of the big Quidditch match, Harry visited Ron in the Hospital Wing. "Cormac McLaggen's not a better player than I am, right?" Ron asked.

"He's annoying as hell," Harry said. "He keeps telling everyone what to do. I'd much rather have you as Keeper."

"Thanks, mate. I'd rather be Keeper, too."

"By the way, Lavender wanted me to ask you a few things…"

"Ugh," Ron said. "I wish I wasn't Lavender's boyfriend."

"Hold on a second," Harry said. "She still snogs you all the time, right?"

"Yes," Ron said.

"And you _don't_ want to be her boyfriend?"

"I sure don't!"

Harry pretended to think about that. "It's a good thing you're in the Hospital Wing. You're clearly sick."

Ron's eyes narrowed. "That's not funny, Harry."

"Well, I mean, come on," Harry said. "You make it seem like all you want in a girl is someone who's willing to snog you."

"I care about more than just snogging!" Ron said, showing some emotional depth for the first time. "I don't want someone like Lavender! I want a girl who cares about me…someone I can talk to…someone who's smart…"

"Someone like Hermione, you mean."

"Well…" Ron's ears turned red. "Yeah, someone just like Hermione."

Harry smiled, pleased that getting poisoned had knocked some sense into Ron. And the idea of Ron and Hermione becoming a couple, perhaps, wasn't too far fetched…after all, Hermione had started talking to Ron again…

"Oh, shoot, the match starts in fifteen minutes!" Harry said. "I've got to go!"

"Good luck!" Ron called.

Harry rushed through the corridors down towards the field. On the way, he ran into Malfoy, who was flanked by two girlfriends.

"What're you doing?" Harry asked immediately.

"None of your business, Potter," Malfoy said.

"Aren't you going to the match?" Harry asked.

"No," Malfoy drawled. "I have better things to do than watch you lose. Shouldn't _you_ go, though? If you get some points, they'll probably start calling you The Boy Who Scored."

Harry frowned.

"Although that name probably suits _me_ better," Malfoy said, grinning at his girlfriends, who giggled at his cleverness.

Harry walked away angrily. "No wonder I can't get a girlfriend," Harry muttered to himself. "Malfoy's hogging all the girls at Hogwarts!"

Harry grumbled all the way to the changing room.

"Where have _you_ been?" Ginny asked. Harry didn't answer—he just changed into his Quidditch robes (not in front of Ginny, mind you) and headed for the field.

"And here are the Gryffindors," said the announcer, in an oddly familiar dreamy voice. Harry looked at the commentator's booth and saw that Luna Lovegood was sitting behind the microphone.

"They look like they're ready to play, and—oh! Look at that cloud! It's shaped like a bowl of pudding!"

Harry grinned. The commentary was going to be good this match.

"And here are the Hufflepuffs. Everyone's getting into position, and Madam Hooch releases the Quaffle, and the game has started! Oh, how exciting! Now the bowl of pudding cloud looks like a bowl of ice cream!"

"Tell us what's going on in the game!" Professor McGonagall snapped.

"Cuddles of Gryffindor takes the Quaffle, but is blocked by Cuddles of Hufflepuff with a well-timed Bludger. Ginny Weasley picks up the Quaffle. I like her. She's my friend..."

Harry grinned as he flew around the pitch, looking for the Snitch. Not Cho Chang's friend Marietta—the Golden Snitch.

"Isn't it odd how much Quaffle sounds like waffle? I like waffles. I had some for breakfast this morning. I never use syrup on my breakfast, though, because I've heard Nargles are attracted by sugary substances and—"

"The match, Luna!"

"What? Oh, right, there's a Quidditch match going on. Sorry, I was distracted for a moment. There must be a Wrackspurt in the area. Um…Hufflepuff scores, as the Gryffindor Keeper is too busy talking to a Gryffindor Beater to pay attention."

"What?" Harry asked, and he whirled around. Sure enough, Cormac McLaggen was talking to one of the Beaters, attempting to explain the proper technique of hitting a Bludger.

"Cormac, stop!" Harry cried, flying at them. "Quit bossing all the other players around!"

Most unfortunately, Cormac didn't hear Harry and swung the Beater's bat…right into Harry's face. Suddenly, everything went black.

* * *

Harry woke up in the Hospital Wing, in a bed next to Ron's.

"Hello, Harry!" Ron said cheerfully. "Nice of you to come visit me!"

Harry rubbed his head, which was covered with bandages and throbbing painfully. "What happened?"

"McLaggen cracked your skull open with the Beater's bat," Ron said.

"Great," Harry said bitterly. "I take it we lost the match?"

Ron nodded. "Three hundred and sixty five to twelve."

Harry made a mental note to kill McLaggen, then kick him off the team.

"Ginny stopped by while you were unconscious," Ron said casually. Suddenly, Harry's head was filled with a fantasy of the scene…

_"Oh, Harry," Ginny sobbed. "Please be okay, Harry! I…I love you!"_

_"Don't cry, Ginny," Ron said. "I know Harry will make it through. And when he does…."_

_"I'll snog him senseless!" Ginny promised._

_"Of course you will!" Ron said happily. "You grab Harry, and you snog the socks off of him!"_

"Yeah, Ginny said you barely made it to the Quidditch Pitch in time," Ron said, interrupting Harry's fantasy.

"I ran into Malfoy on the way," Harry said. "He was hanging out with two of his girlfriends instead of going to the match."

"_Two_ girlfriends?" Ron asked, clearly impressed. "Lavender wasn't one of them, was she?"

"No," Harry said.

"Oh, good," Ron said.

* * *

An hour later, Harry and Ron couldn't think of anything else to talk about. As he lay in his bed, Harry thought of the previous times he had been in the hospital wing…once because of his face-off with Quirell…once because of the Triwizard Tournament…once because he was attacked by a Bludger jinxed by…

"That's it!" Harry cried.

"What's it?" Ron asked. "Is it dinnertime? I'm _starving._"

"No! I've figured out how to solve my problem with Malfoy!"

"Problem?" Ron asked. "I know he's taking up more than his fair share of girls, but I don't see how that should be a problem for _you_, seeing as—"

"No, be quiet and watch!"

In a loud voice, Harry called out, "Kreacher!"

There was a crack as Kreacher apparated into the hospital wing, along with Dobby. Dobby and Kreacher were fighting each other.

"You shall not insult Harry Potter!" Dobby cried, pulling Kreacher's ear.

"I shall say what I want about my master!" Kreacher cried, punching Dobby in his overly-large eyeball.

"Bet five Galleons that Dobby wins the fight," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Kreacher, Dobby, stop fighting!" Harry said. Kreacher immediately stopped fighting, because he has to do whatever Harry says.

"I've got a job for you," Harry said. "I want you to follow Draco Malfoy around and tell me about everything he does."

"As Master Harry wishes," Kreacher said, bowing. "Although Master Harry is a creepy stalker, and Kreacher does not want to help fulfill his sick desires."

"Dobby will help, too!" Dobby cried. "Dobby is glad to help Harry Potter!"

"Great!" Harry said. "With the two of you following Malfoy, that'll make it twice as hard for him to get away with anything!"

Ron groaned. "Harry, why are you so _obsessed_ with Malfoy?"

"I'm _not_ obsessed!" Harry cried. "I just want to know what he's doing when he disappears from the Marauder's Map! I _know_ he's up to no good!"

* * *

**Author's Note: **And that's the end of the chapter! You know, I was reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other day, and there was a part in Chapter Sixteen where Harry started acting like an obsessed stalker again…

"Meanwhile Harry had started bringing out the Marauder's Map and examining it by wandlight. He was waiting for the moment when Ron's labeled dot would reappear in the corridors of Hogwarts, proving that he had returned to the comfortable castle, protected by his status of pureblood. However, Ron did not appear on the map, and after a while Harry found himself taking it out simply to stare at Ginny's name in the girls' dormitory, wondering whether the intensity with which he gazed at it might break into her sleep, that she would somehow know he was thinking about her, hoping that she was all right."

Um, yeah, Harry can be kind of a creepy fellow sometimes…but I like him anyway!


	20. I Like Your Wig?

**Chapter Twenty  
**I Like Your Wig?

Harry and Ron left the Hospital Wing that Monday, both able to enjoy the fact that Hermione was talking to them again.

"I hope none of the Gryffindors got too upset about us losing the Quidditch Match," Harry said.

"Ginny and Dean had a big fight about it," Hermione said. "She got mad when he laughed at you."

The beast in Harry's chest did a little happy dance. _YES!_ _Ginny likes me!_ "Did they break up?" he asked.

"No, they're still together," Hermione said.

"Oh," Harry said, greatly disappointed that, once again, he missed an opportunity to get a girlfriend. The beast in his chest whimpered and lay down to sleep.

"I still think she's too young for a boyfriend," Ron sniffed.

"Right, because you're such an expert on relationships," Hermione dismissed.

"I don't see _you_ walking around the corridors with a boyfriend!" Ron said.

_Here we go again,_ Harry thought. Trying to distract Ron, he said, "I forgot to mention! I got an owl from the Half-Blood Princess!"

"You _what?_" Ron asked. "What did she say?"

"She's figured out Harry's using her book," Hermione said. "Now she's mad and is coming back for it."

"Ooo, not good," said a voice behind them.

It was Mafalda Weasley, from the Christmas Interlude chapter.

"I've got a note for you from Dumbledore," Mafalda said, handing it to Harry. "Did I hear you mention the Half-Blood Princess?"

"You know her?" Harry asked.

"I met her in the Slytherin Common Room first year," Mafalda said. "She's _really_ good at magic. I mean, she knows pretty much every spell ever made. If she's mad at you, you'd better hide."

"Who is she?" Harry asked.

"I can't tell!" Mafalda exclaimed. "You won't find out until Chapter Twenty-Seven!"

"Thanks for the help, Mafalda," Harry grumbled, reading the note about his next lesson with Dumbledore.

* * *

Harry showed up at Dumbledore's office later that night, where he interrupted an argument between Dumbledore and Professor Trelawney.

"If you think that—that—_horse_ is better at teaching than I am—!"

"Sybil, I don't think you're a bad teacher," Dumbledore said. "However, you keep drinking on the job, and that's rather unprofessional."

"Unprofeshionul! Unprofeshionul! Dumbledore says that I'm unprofeshionul!"

Harry knocked on the door loudly. "Erm, sorry to interrupt, but…"

"Oho!" Professor Trelawney said. "So this is why you're kicking me out of your office, Dumbledore! Me, who's…aw…forget it." Trelawney slinked out the room, heading to the kitchens to go get some more sherry.

"Is there some sort of problem with Divination classes?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore sighed. "It is rather difficult to hold that class with two teachers, one of whom has a tail and the other of whom is a lush. But that is not why I asked you to my office. I wanted to know…have you gotten the memory from Professor Slughorn yet?"

Harry had forgotten about the memory. "Er…no."

Dumbledore gave Harry a disappointed look. "I did tell you that it is absolutely imperative for you to get that memory, did I not? The ability to defeat Voldemort hinges upon you getting that memory."

"I'll get it in Chapter Twenty-Two," Harry promised.

"Good," Dumbledore said. "As for now, there are only two memories left that I would like to show you."

-Cue Dramatic Music-

Dumbledore went to his cabinet o' memories and pulled out a bottle.

"This is perhaps the most important memory I've collected," Dumbledore said, looking at Harry. "I'd like you to see it."

Harry and Dumbledore went into the memory. Harry looked around. They were in some sort of nightclub, with blaring music and a large dance floor. Harry could see the younger Dumbledore, dancing with a crowd of topless men.

"WRONG MEMORY! WRONG MEMORY!" Dumbledore shouted loudly, grabbing Harry and pulling him out of the Pensieve.

"What was _that?_" Harry asked.

"That was a lesson on why you should always label bottles correctly," Dumbledore said, fumbling through his cabinet. "Ah, _here_ is the memory I wanted you to see. It's a memory of Voldemort shortly after he graduated from Hogwarts, when he took a job as an assistant at Borgin and Burke's."

"Whose memory is it?" Harry asked.

"A house-elf named Hokey-Pokey," Dumbledore said. "She belonged to an old, rich woman named Hepzibah Smith."

The two of them entered the memory. They were in a sitting room, where a fat old lady was sitting and applying loads of makeup on herself, underneath a large, fake wig. In Harry's opinion, she looked about as unattractive in her clothes as Snape would have.

"He's coming! He's coming! Tommy is coming! Bring in some cakes for me to give him!" she ordered the house-elf.

"Yes, Mistress," the old house-elf said, leaving the room. As she did so, the doorbell rang.

"Come in! Come in!" Hepzibah called. In came the young Voldemort. The book says that he was incredibly handsome, so I assume he still had his nose back then.

"Helloooooooo Sweetie!" Hepzibah cried.

"I…I brought flowers," he said, holding out a bouquet of roses.

"They're lovely!" Hepzibah gushed. "Tommy, you're wonderful! Let me give _you _a present in return!"

Voldemort looked at the ground, pretending to be shy. "Ah, you don't have to do that," he said.

"It's no problem!" Hepzibah said. "I'll give you an exclusive look at my special possessions!" She pulled out a cup and locket and handed them to Voldemort. He examined the cup.

"A badger…it's not…"

"Helga Hufflepuff's cup!" Hepzibah bragged. "It's my finest treasure, next to this locket!"

"Slytherin's locket…" Voldemort said softly, no doubt remembering how his uncle had mentioned it. Something very ugly showed up on his face then, but Hepzibah didn't notice.

"That's right, you clever boy!" Hepzibah said.

"I'm totally going to kill you and steal these treasures," Voldemort said.

"What?" Hepzibah asked.

"I mean, uh…I like your wig?"

"Why thank you!" Hepzibah gushed.

The memory ended there.

"The next day, Hepzibah Smith was killed and the cup and locket were stolen," Dumbledore said. "The House-Elf was blamed and Tom Riddle suddenly disappeared. What do you think, Harry?"

"I think I want to see the rest of the memory of you in the nightclub," Harry said. "Did something happen afterwards? Why did you keep that memory?"

"_That's none of your business!_" Dumbledore said. "Pretend you never saw that! We're moving on to my final memory about Voldemort!"

Harry frowned, disappointed.

The final memory was of an older Voldemort, who was now somewhat ugly. He was inside Dumbledore's office, speaking to Dumbledore.

"So, Tom," Dumbledore said. "Why have you come back to Hogwarts?"

"I want to be a teacher," Voldemort said.

"And I wanted a pair of socks as a Christmas present this year," Dumbledore said. "Alas, we cannot always obtain that which we want."

"I am an ideal candidate for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job," Voldemort said. "I know more about Dark Arts than most other people. I can teach your students many things that others cannot."

"Let us be frank, Tom," Dumbledore said. "I highly doubt that you really want to spend your life teaching teenagers. Why have you really come here?"

"I came here as an excuse to hide a Horcrux in the Room of Requirement," Voldemort said.

"What?" Dumbledore asked.

"I mean, uh…I like your wig?"

"My beard is NOT a wig!" Dumbledore said angrily. "It's one hundred percent real! How dare you insult my beard! You don't get the job now!"

"Aw…" Voldemort said, slouching off.

The memory ended there.

"So he didn't get the job?" Harry asked.

"He did not," said Dumbledore. "I always pick _qualified_ people for jobs at Hogwarts. People who clearly know what they're doing, such as Gilderoy Lockhart and Professor Trelawney. Giving Voldemort a job would have ruined my streak of good staffing decisions."

"Ah," Harry said.


	21. The Chapter Where

**Author's Note:** For those of you who are planning on seeing the sixth Harry Potter movie, just skip this chapter. Test screening reports say that there's no Dobby or Kreacher in the movie.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-One  
**The Chapter Where Pretty Much Nothing Happens, Except For Setting Up Stuff That Becomes Important Later On In The Book

The next week, the trio was up late in the Common Room, writing essays about Dementors for Snape. Harry was first to finish, so to pass the time, he decided to read the Half-Blood Princess' diary in hopes that it would give him a hint on how to get the memory from Slughorn.

_February 13:_

_Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and everyone is  
making a big fuss over it this year. Personally,  
I don't see what the big deal is. Who wants to  
spend a bunch all your time with some loser  
who calls you stupid nicknames like Cuddles?  
Not me._

_I said that this morning, quite loudly. One of  
the Hufflepuffs heard and got in my face about  
it. I would have smashed him in the face, but  
Professor Dumbledore came to break up the  
argument. Of course, as soon as Dumbledore  
heard we were fighting about Valentine's Day,  
he _had _to give his stupid love lecture, insisting  
that love is the most powerful magic in the  
world. He's been watching too many soap operas,  
in my opinion._

_Nothing much else happened today, except that  
one of the seventh-years tried to cast _Sectumsempra_  
on me in revenge for the underwear incident last  
week. What a jerk. You should only cast that spell  
on serious enemies._

_On second thought, maybe I'll use it on Blaise  
Zambini if he tries asking me out tomorrow._

"Sectumsempra…" Harry said to himself.

"What's that, Harry?" Ron asked.

"Nothing important," Harry said.

"Well, _I've_ got something important to say," Ron said, throwing down his essay. "I'm done!"

Hermione picked up Ron's essay, and, naturally, she found a problem with the first thing she saw. "Ron, you misspelled your name!"

"Whoops," Ron said.

Suddenly there was a _Crack!_, and Dobby and Kreacher appeared.

"Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby said. "Dobby has come to give his report!"

"Report?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you," Harry said. "I told Dobby and Kreacher to follow Malfoy for a couple of weeks, and tell me about everything he did."

"Stalker," Hermione said.

"I'm not a stalker!" Harry said. "I'm just convinced that Malfoy is up to no good! So, Dobby, Kreacher, what's Malfoy been up to?"

"Draco Malfoy is a bad wizard! He is very mean!" Dobby said.

"Master Malfoy moves with a nobility that befits his pure blood," Kreacher croaked. "His features recall the fine bones of my mistress and his manners are those of—"

"We don't need to hear about you being in love with Malfoy," Ron said. "We get enough of that from Harry."

"I do NOT love Malfoy!" Harry protested.

"I know you don't," Ron grinned, "But I've heard some rumors about why you don't have a girlfriend."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Kreacher, just tell us if Malfoy's been doing anything suspicious."

"Master Malfoy is a pure blood, incapable of treachery," Kreacher said. "Surely—"

"Malfoy has been sneaking to the seventh floor, spending most of his time in the Room of Requirement!" Dobby said.

"He has?" Harry asked.

Kreacher and Dobby nodded.

"So that's where he is when he disappears from the Marauder's Map! HA! I've got him now!" Harry rejoiced. "Great job, you two! You can stop following Malfoy now!"

Kreacher and Dobby Disapparated.

"_See_, Hermione?" Harry gloated. "I told you Malfoy's up to something! Now all I have to do is find out what, and I can get him expelled!"

* * *

The next day, during his free period, Harry went to where the Room of Requirement was. Concentrating hard, he thought _I need to see where Malfoy goes, I need to see where Malfoy goes…_

Harry walked past the door three times, but nothing happened.

"What?" Harry said. "That didn't work? Lame!"

Harry tried again, this time thinking _I need you to become the place you become for Draco Malfoy_, but that didn't work either.

"Urgh!" Harry said. "Don't tell me I can't get in because Malfoy wants to keep what he's doing a secret!"

Harry spent the next hour thinking of different ways to ask the door to let him in, such as _I'm not really Harry Potter; I'm Malfoy in a Harry Potter costume_ and _If you don't let me in, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow the door in! _Unfortunately, none of them worked.

"Too bad this isn't the _Order of the Phoenix_ movie where Umbridge could just blast her way into the room," Harry muttered. "Even though that totally violates the rule of not letting someone in another person's secret room."

Very angry with that particular rule, Harry slinked off to Defense Against the Dark Arts class, where Snape was being his usual jerky self.

"I suppose none of you dunderheads can tell me the difference between an Inferius and a ghost," Snape sneered. "Potter, why don't you try, so I can make fun of your answer?"

"Well, ghosts are transparent…" Harry began.

"Oh, WOW, ghosts are transparent. I can see why you got an "O" on your Dark Arts OWL, Mr. Potter. You're clearly the genius of the year," Snape said sarcastically.

"And Inferi are dead bodies, so they're solid…" Harry continued.

"A five year old could have told us as much," Snape interrupted. "Speaking of five, five points from Gryffindor for not being prepared for class. For your information, an Inferius is a dead body which is reanimated by a Dark Wizard. They are not truly alive. A ghost, on the other hand, is the imprint of a departed soul left upon the earth."

"So, what's the major difference between them?" Seamus Finnigan asked.

"Inferi are corporeal; ghosts are not," Snape said. "In other words, 'Cuddles' would be a good nickname for an Inferius. It would be a bad nickname for a ghost, because you can't touch ghosts."

"So, basically, what I said," Harry said. "Ghosts are transparent and Inferi are solid."

"TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR BEING A SMART ALECK, MR. POTTER!" Snape said suddenly. "Now everyone turn to page three hundred and ninety-four…"

* * *

After class, Harry and Ron went to the bathroom together. Not to use the bathroom, though. They just went into the bathroom to talk.

"Snape is such a jerk," Harry said.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "So what happened with the Room of Requirement?"

"I couldn't get in," Harry confessed. "It looks like Malfoy'll get away with…whatever it is he's doing. I wish—WOAH!"

At that moment, in a total invasion of privacy, Moaning Myrtle came floating into the bathroom.

"Oh," she said glumly. "It's you."

"You were expecting someone else?" Harry said sarcastically.

"Yes, actually," Myrtle said. "A boy. I like to meet him here and talk with him about his feelings."

"Personally, a bathroom is the last place I'd like to talk about my feelings," Ron said. "This guy must a real weirdo."

"Don't say bad things about my boyfriend," Myrtle sniffed.

"If Myrtle has a boyfriend, then it's official," Harry said. "There are no more single girls at Hogwarts."

* * *

The following week was no good for Harry. Not only couldn't he get into the Room of Requirement, he also couldn't talk to Slughorn outside of class.

"You don't need to _trick _Slughorn into giving you that memory," Hermione said. "You have to _persuade_ him."

"How can I persuade him if I can't even talk to him?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione said. "Maybe you should try bringing him some chocolate cake in order to get on his good side…"

But even the chocolate cake plan didn't work; Slughorn said "Thanks," ate a piece, then left with the rest of the cake before Harry could ask him a single question.

That weekend, Hermione and Ron went to Hogsmeade for the final Apparition lesson before the official Ministry test. Harry didn't go because he was too young to get his Apparition license, and besides, he wanted to try to get into the Room of the Requirement again.

But, of course, the Room didn't open. Harry tried everything, such as begging the door to open, calling it "Cuddles," bringing it some chocolate cake to get on its good side…but the door remained stubbornly shut.

Eventually, Harry got mad and kicked the wall, which was a dumb thing to do.

"Ow! My foot!" Harry said.

"Harry?" someone asked. He turned and saw that it was Tonks, who, I'm sorry to say, was still being moody and depressed instead of fun and happy like she was in the last book.

"Tonks?" Harry asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see Dumbledore…" Tonks said. "But he's gone, gone…maybe he's already dead and we don't know it yet…dust in the wind…dust in the wind…"

"So you don't know where he is?" Harry asked.

"No…no…he's gone…gone…maybe lost forever…forever…the only thing that last forever is death…death…"

"Right," Harry said.

"You haven't had any letters from anyone in the Order recently, have you?" Tonks asked.

"No one from the Order writes to me ever since Sirius died," Harry said.

Tonks' eyes filled with tears.

"No letters…" Tonks said. "Well…see you later, Harry…maybe…" She then left down the hallway, muttering, "Dust in the wind…death…dust in the wind…death…'

Harry talked about this with Ron and Hermione when they got back from Hogsmeade.

"Dunno what's wrong with _her_," Ron said. "Sounds like she could use a Cheering Charm or two, to be honest."

"You don't think she could have been…in love with Sirius?"

"What?" Hermione asked.

"When I mentioned his name, she started crying. And her Patronus is a big dog thing now, just like him."

"It's possible, I guess," Hermione said. "But she's his second cousin, so that might be kind of odd…"

"Love is never odd," Ron said, dismissively.

"What about you and Lavender?" Harry asked.

Ron thought for a moment. "Okay, maybe love _is_ odd sometimes."

"Don't feel too bad, mate," Harry said. "You'll break up with Lavender in the next chapter."

"I do?" Ron asked. "Oh, goody!"


	22. Snogging Luna Lovegood

**Chapter Twenty-Two  
**Snogging Luna Lovegood

The sun rose on what seemed to be a typical day at Hogwarts. Harry was eating breakfast with Ron and Hermione. Professor Slughorn was making his way through daily stack of twenty pancakes. Professor Dumbledore had mysteriously disappeared, and Professor Trelawney was downing her fourth glass of wine of the day.

The only thing that kept it from being a normal day was the fact that all the sixth years were nervous. For you see, it was the day of the official Ministry of Magic Apparition Test. Harry wasn't too fussed about it because he was too young to take the test, but both Ron and Hermione were of age, and thus, extremely nervous.

"Determination, destination, deliberation," Hermione kept repeating to herself.

"Determination….desti-destination, and D…D…Dang, I'm going to fail," Ron said.

"You're _not_ going to fail," Hermione told Ron.

"Yeah, you're a, great student," Harry said, snickering slightly.

"Harry? Can I talk to you?" someone behind Harry asked.

Harry turned his head to see who had spoken. It was Luna Lovegood.

"Er, hello, Luna," Harry said. "Er, sit down, won't you?"

Luna got down on the bench, sitting on her knees and looking directly at Harry's face. Her silvery eyes seemed larger than usual.

"I was talking with Romilda Vane," Luna said. "She's mad that you took me to Slughorn's party, instead of her."

Ron snickered nearby, while Hermione frowned. "Er…she probably is," Harry said.

Luna leaned in closer to Harry. "Romilda...is also wondering…are you going to ask me out again?"

Harry couldn't believe his ears. Was Luna saying what he thought she was saying? "Er…it wasn't exactly…I mean…a date," he stammered.

Luna leaned in even closer to Harry, so close that he hardly see anything besides her silver-blue eyes. "She…also said…when two people go on a date, they need to do…certain things."

Ron's snickering turned into choking; he had accidentally swallowed a whole bagel in one gulp.

"Like…like what?" Harry asked.

"Snogging," Luna said.

Harry almost fell over, but Luna seemed not to notice. "She talks about snogging quite a bit, actually. I think she likes it almost as much as your friend Ronald."

"I do _not_ like kissing that much!" Ron protested hotly. Well, not really. Ron was too busy making out with Lavender to pay attention to Luna. But he _would_ have been offended at her comment.

"So, Harry, when should _we_ start kissing?" Luna asked. "Now?"

"Er…" Harry said, suddenly feeling trapped. "Erm, we don't have to—I mean, I haven't finished breakfast and you—"

"Okay," Luna said, nodding. "Let's meet tonight on the grounds. I hear it's more romantic there."

"Uh…"

"This'll be fun!" Luna exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "I've never been romantic before!"

Luna skipped off, and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Too soon, as it turned out, because an angry redhead immediately grabbed Harry's cloak near the throat and pulled him four feet away.

"Did I just hear Luna say what I _thought_ she just said?" Ginny demanded.

"Er…"

"Did you just agree to meet Luna on the grounds tonight for a snogging session?" Ginny asked dangerously.

"No!" Harry said, finding it hard to breathe while Ginny held his cloak in a death grip. "I-"

Ginny growled fiercely and pulled Harry's face close to hers. "Luna's my friend! I don't want you playing around with her!"

"She's…just…confused!" Harry gasped, distracted by both the lack of oxygen and his proximity to Ginny's face.

"Confused, huh?" Ginny asked, giving Harry the Squint of Death. "She got confused into thinking she has to snog you? Harry, I thought you were a good person, but this is most disgusting—"

"Don't kill me—!"

Fortunately for Harry, the level-headed Hermione stepped in. "Ginny, calm down," Hermione said. "You know Harry wouldn't trick Luna into doing something like that. It was Romilda Vane."

Ginny mercifully let go of Harry and turned to look at Hermione. "What?"

"Romilda's been stirring the cauldron again," Hermione said. "This time, it sounds like she fed Luna a bunch of nonsense about dating and relationships."

"Romilda," Ginny said. "I'll kill her. Sorry about that, Harry."

"Er…don't worry about it," Harry said, still kind of confused about what had happened.

Ginny stormed off, muttering angrily.

Ron, meanwhile, hadn't noticed a thing. He was still making out with Lavender.

"What's got Ginny so mad?" Harry asked, rubbing his sore neck.

"Boy troubles," Hermione said. "I think she's upset with Dean for getting too physical."

Harry shuddered at the thought of any boy besides him getting physical with Ginny. "I didn't need to hear that," he said.

"Sorry," Hermione shrugged. "Speaking of relationship troubles, what are you going to do about Luna?"

"I have no idea," Harry said. "I know I complained about not having any dates for about six chapters, but still! I can't date Luna! I can barely understand what she's talking about half the time!"

"Beggars can't be choosers," Hermione said.

"Eurgh," Harry said. "Why is my life so complicated? Everything crazy always happens to me."

"That's probably because you're the main character in the Harry Potter series," Hermione said. "The books would be boring if nothing ever happened to you."

Just then, Hedwig landed on the table in front of Harry, carrying a letter. "Oh, what NOW?" Harry asked, feeling his morning couldn't get any more eventful.

Hermione took the letter. "It's from Hagrid," she said.

_Dear Harry,_

_S'hard fer me to say, but…Aragog died. Yesterday._

_I'm goin' ter bury him tonight. Would mean a lot to me if yeh came. Yeh met him, yeh knew how special he was._

_Hagrid_

"Well, that's convenient," Hermione smirked. "You'll already by on the grounds tonight, Harry…"

"Not funny, Hermione," Harry said.

Ron, meanwhile, stopped snogging Lavender long enough to get a look at the letter.

"Is Hagrid mad?" Ron asked. "That monster spider tried to kill us! Now he expects us to go to its funeral?"

"I think we should go," Harry said. "Hagrid took it really hard when Buckbeak was supposed to be executed. I bet he's taking Aragog's death just as hard."

"Harry, you shouldn't be thinking about funerals or Luna Lovegood," Hermione said, being bossy as usual. "You should concentrate on trying to get the memory from Slughorn."

"Yeah, because I've really been lucky with it so far," Harry said sarcastically.

Ron dropped his fork. "Lucky! Harry, that's it! Use the lucky potion to get that memory from Slughorn!"

Hermione dropped _her_ fork. "Ron, that's brilliant!"

Harry dropped _his_ fork, not because he was surprised or anything; he just didn't want to be left out of all the fork-dropping fun. "Yeah, thanks, Ron! I'll definitely try it!"

"You're welcome," Ron said. "I don't suppose you could give me some of the lucky potion for the Apparition Test would you?"

"Ron, that's against the rules!" Hermione said instantly. "Ever since Nigel Cuddlesworth tried it in 1967!"

* * *

Due to the Apparition Tests, Potions class was empty that day, except for Harry, Malfoy, and Ernie MacMillian.

"Since half the class isn't here," Professor Slughorn said, "I thought we could have a free lesson! Each of you brew up something fun!"

Harry decided to make a spicy nacho dip to get on Slughorn's good side. While waiting for the cheese to simmer, he looked around the room and found his eyes resting on Malfoy.

_Malfoy doesn't look so good_, Harry thought—although, let's be honest; even if Malfoy looked good, Harry would never admit it. _His evil mission of evil evilness in the Room of Requirement must not be going so well. Ha! Too bad for him!_

Malfoy noticed Harry's glare. "What are you looking at, Potter?" he sneered.

"I'm looking at your stupid face," Harry said. "Your stupid, evil Death Eater face."

Okay, Harry didn't really say that. But he was probably thinking it as he looked away from Malfoy and focused on his potion.

At the end of the lesson, Slughorn examined everyone's potions. Ernie's potion, a rubber ducky stew, was a mess. Malfoy's potion, a coughing potion, was merely passable. And, of course, Slughorn loved Harry's spicy nacho dip and sampled quite a bit of it.

The bell rang, and class was dismissed. Malfoy shot Harry a mean look and sludged off. Ernie also gave Harry a mean look; clearly, Ernie had hoped to be the best in the class that day.

"Professor?" Harry asked, hoping to get Slughorn to talk about the memory. "I was wondering if—"

But Harry was too late. The instant Slughorn saw he was alone with Harry, he ran off as fast as he could. Then he ran back in, grabbed the spicy nacho dip, and ran off again.

"Darn," Harry said to himself.

* * *

Ron and Hermione returned later that day.

"I did it, Harry! I passed!" Hermione said happily, as if she'd never passed a test before.

"Congratulations!" Harry said. "How'd _you_ do, Ron?"

"I failed," Ron muttered. "I Apparated all right, but…not to the right spot…"

"He missed by twenty feet," Hermione whispered to Harry. "He ended up in a trash bin by mistake. It was rather foul smelling."

"I don't want to talk about it," Ron said, shuddering at the memory. "How were things with Slughorn?"

"Typical," Harry said. "I made nacho dip in class today, and he loved it, but the second class ended, he ran away before I could talk to him about the memory."

"You made nacho dip? Can I have some?" Ron asked.

"Ronald, you're such a pig," Hermione said.

"Well," Harry said. "Looks like I'll have to use the lucky potion tonight."

"Oh, yeah…" Ron said, nudging Harry's elbow. "I heard about your snogging date with Luna tonight. Good _job_, mate! Could've picked a less crazy girl, but—"

"Not because of Luna!" Harry said quickly. "It's to get the memory from Slughorn!"

"_Sure_ it is," Ron said, winking suggestively. Harry was strongly reminded of Gilderoy Lockhart. "Let me know if she really does _Love Good_."

Hermione, unwilling to participate in this conversation, had her head turned away. "You still have the lucky potion, don't you, Harry?" she asked.

"I've got it here," Harry said, pulling the potion from out of a pair of his socks that he had in his pocket. These were socks that belonged to Uncle Vernon, his foulest, most yellow pair. Harry had never worn them. They were now quite knobbly because Harry kept his Sneakascope in them for the past few years.

(**Author's Note:** That is a _lot_ of backstory for a pair of socks.)

"Take only a little bit," Hermione suggested. "You'll only need to be lucky for a short time in order to get the memory from Slughorn. After that, you can deal with your…_situation_ with Luna."

"Let's hope this works," Harry said, opening the vial. He drank some of the potion inside. Suddenly, his body felt light and easy, as if his problems had floated away.

"Cool," he said. "I'm going to Hagrid's."

"What?" Hermione asked. "No, Harry, you're going to see Slughorn, remember?"

"No," Harry said, the path ahead of him suddenly lit up by the Felix Felicis. "I've got to go to Hagrid's. I'll get the memory there."

"Are you _sure_ that's lucky potion?" Hermione asked, looking concerned. "Not a Confusing Concoction or something like that?"

"Hey, don't worry about me, babe," Harry said. "Everything's gonna be okay." Giving Hermione a very loud kiss on the cheek, Harry winked at her and threw on his Invisibility Cloak.

Lavender Brown, who was sitting at the other end of the common room, turned her head towards Ron and Hermione, looking furious. "Did I…did I hear _kissing?_" she demanded.

"Uh oh," Ron muttered.

Harry, not particularly caring to see how this latest plot twist in the Ron/Hermione/Lavender Soap Opera turned out, strolled on over to the portrait hole, where Dean Thomas and Ginny were coming in. Going out past them, Harry accidentally brushed up against Ginny's leg. Ginny immediately turned around and smacked Dean in the face.

Feeling happy that Ginny was mad at her boyfriend (maybe they'd break up!), Harry skipped down to the Great Hall where, luckily, Filch had left the doors open. Going outside, Harry headed towards the vegetable patch, where Professor Slughorn was picking plants for a Potions lesson.

Harry whipped off his Invisibility Cloak. "Hello, Professor!" Harry cried.

"Merlin's beard, Harry!" Slughorn said. "Don't do that! Appearing out of nowhere like that—nearly gave me a start, it did. What do you think you're doing, wandering the grounds at night and startling people?"

"Sorry about that," Harry said. "I came to see Hagrid. He's holding a funeral for a giant spider that died recently."

"An acromantula?" Slughorn asked. "I heard rumors that some lived around here. It's true?"

"Oh yes," Harry said. "There's a whole bunch of them in the forest. The one that died was the biggest one."

"Hmmm…" Slughorn said, thinking. "Acromantula venom is very expensive…if I could extract some from the beast's body…I don't make a lot of money, you see...Dumbledore insists that I pay for my own food…it takes up nearly half of my salary…"

"Well, Professor," Harry suggested. "I'm sure Hagrid would let you come to the funeral if I asked him."

"Excellent," Slughorn said. "I'll just go down to Hagrid's and…"

Slughorn looked down at his tie, which was decorated with pictures of smiley faces. "Let me change ties first. This tie is a little…exuberant for the occasion."

Slughorn left for the castle. Harry, feeling happy, skipped off towards the woods, where he found Luna waiting for him. She waved at him as he came closer.

"Harry! Hi!" Luna said.

"Hello, Luna," Harry said. "You ready to do this?"

Luna blinked a few times. It was the first time Harry had ever seen her nervous—or at least, somewhat close to what other people would consider nervous. "I'm…I'm not sure. I've never snogged anyone before, but they say I _have_ to…"

"Hey, don't worry about it," Harry said. "I can help you out with the snogging. What are friends for?"

Harry grabbed Luna and caught a quick glimpse of a smile on her face before he closed his eyes and his lips met hers.

…And all the Harry/Luna fans sigh in happiness…

A few seconds later, Harry drew back. "How was that?" he asked.

Luna grinned happily. "That was easier than I thought it would be!"

Luna suddenly slid her hand under Harry's shirt and up to his chest.

"WOAH!" Harry said. "Luna, this is a G-rated fanfic!"

"Got it!" she said happily.

"What?" Harry asked.

Luna pulled her hand back. In her fist was a small, purple creature.

"It's a Nargle!" she said. "I finally found one! They're attracted to excessive amounts of kissing, you know."

"That's a real stroke of luck," Harry said, pretending that the Lucky Potion hadn't told him that would happen. "Glad I could help."

Luna hugged Harry. "Thanks, Harry! You're the best friend ever! I can't wait to tell Dad!"

"You're welcome," Harry said. "Listen, sorry to take off so suddenly, but I have to go to Hagrid's. See you later?"

"Sure," Luna said, examining the little creature in her fist.

Harry took a few strides away, then turned back. "Oh, hey, Luna?" he asked. "Since you've already gotten your Nargle, we don't have to kiss any more, do we?"

"What?" Luna asked, looking up from the Nargle. "Of course not! There's no time for kissing, Harry! I've got to get this news to the _Quibbler_!"

Harry laughed as he walked to Hagrid's. "That situation worked itself out well!" he said to himself. "Luna's happy, and I don't have to snog her any more! Although snogging her wasn't as bad as I thought…but no, Ginny's the one I have a crush on, not Luna!"

* * *

Harry knocked on Hagrid's front door, feeling confident.

"Hagrid, baby!" Harry said. "Open the door! The Chosen One is here!"

A bleak-looking Hagrid holding a tablecloth-sized handkerchief opened the door to his hut. "Harry, yeh made it!" he said.

"Good news, Dragon-Lovin' Dude," Harry said. "I invited Professor Slughorn to come to the funeral!"

"Wha?" Hagrid asked. "Professor Slughorn? He's comin'?"

"Sure thing, Hagrid, my main Cuddlin' man," Harry said. "Slughorn loves animals, and when he heard about Aragog, he insisted on coming."

"Really?" Hagrid asked. "That's…that's nice o' him, I guess. Wasn't expectin' it, but…that's nice o' him."

"Slughorn's a nice guy," Harry said. "Just don't get in the way between him and his dinner, and the two of you will get along fine."

Slughorn showed up soon after, wearing somber black robes.

"Hagrid," Slughorn said mournfully. "I am so sorry to hear about your loss."

Together, the three of them went to the pumpkin patch, where Aragog's body lay next to a large hole.

"I thought we could all take a turn sayin' something before we bury him," Hagrid said. "Harry, would yeh like ter say a few words?"

"Nitwit. Blubber. Oddment. Tweak," Harry said.

"Farewell, King of Beasts!" Slughorn said. "Your many-legged offspring mourn your death, as do we! May they live long and happy as you did! May your lineage never die out!"

"Tha's…that's _beautiful!_" Hagrid cried.

Hagrid was too busy crying to notice that Slughorn had kneeled close to Aragog's body and pulled out a few bottles from under his clock. Soon, Slughorn had two and a half bottles of acromantula venom.

"Aragog was a good friend, an' I never blamed him fer getting' me expelled," Hagrid said. "Goodbye, old friend!"

Hagrid pushed Aragog's body into the hole, and spent a minute pouring dirt onto the body until it was completely covered.

"Well, tha's everything," Hagrid gulped. "The two of yeh can go now if you want…"

"Come now, Hagrid," Slughorn said, pulling out a bottle of wine. "Instead of leaving, let's drink and send the beast off in style!"

* * *

Two hours later, Hagrid and Slughorn were more drunk than Winky the House Elf at a Butterbeer Convention. Hagrid was talking to Harry about his parents, while Slughorn was singing a song about someone named Odo.

"Yer parents dinn't deserve to be killed," Hagrid said. "They were good people."

"Hey, don't sweat it, Hagry," Harry said. "They died while sticking up for what believed in. There's no shame in that."

"_Odo, the hero,"_

Slughorn sang plaintively.

_"He threw the ring into Mount Doom  
__We don't say the F and R at the start of his name  
__Otherwise we'd get sued_,"

"S'awful," Hagrid said, dropping his head to the table and snoring.

"Hmph!" Slughorn said. "My singing is _not_ that bad."

"He wasn't talking about your singing," Harry said, although, personally, he thought Slughorn's singing _was _awful. "He was talking about my parents."

"Oh, that," Slughorn said. "Well, yeah, that _was_ awful. I liked your parents. I would have done anything to help them."

"Anything besides give me the memory about Voldemort," Harry said darkly.

Slughorn gulped. "Harry, I can't—that memory is—not—"

"I need that memory."

"You—need—?"

"I am the Chosen One," Harry said to Slughorn, making sure to be extra-dramatic so the scene would be impressive in the _Half-Blood Prince_ movie. "Give it to me."

"I…can't…"

"I'll refill your beer if you do," Harry suggested.

"Deal!" Slughorn said. He pulled out his wand, extracted the memory from his head, and put it in one of the many empty bottles lying around the table.

Then Slughorn passed out.

"Awesome," Harry said. "I got the memory!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Yes! Harry finally got the memory! After all those chapters of preparation and build up…it turns out all he had to do was get Slughorn drunk. Brilliant plan, Harry!


	23. The Power of Love

**Chapter Twenty-Three  
**The Power of Love

Due to plot convenience, Harry felt the lucky potion wear off as soon as he got the memory from Slughorn.

Harry went back inside Hogwarts and headed straight to Dumbledore's office and knocked on the door.

A sleepy-looking Dumbledore opened the door. "Dear me, Harry, it is very late," Dumbledore said, rubbing his eyes.

Harry checked his watch. "It's 5:00 PM."

"I go to bed early," Dumbledore admitted. "So, why do you want to see me?"

"I've got the memory from Slughorn!" Harry said.

Dumbledore smiled. "Excellent!"

Dumbledore let Harry in his office and put the memory inside the Pensieve. Then they both got in the memory.

Just like last time, the memory was of a Slug Club meeting. The various club members were watching Professor Slughorn drink wine and eat crystallized pineapple.

"Professor, is it true Professor Merrythought is retiring?" Tom Riddle asked.

"Tom, Tom, I couldn't tell you if I knew!" Slughorn scolded gently. "Where do you get your information? Your ability to know things before everyone else—that's a handy skill—you'll go places someday, my boy!"

A bell sounded somewhere. "Is it eight o'clock already? Well, that's the end of the meeting, then!" Slughorn said. "See you all next week!"

Everyone left the room, except for Tom Riddle, who hung back. "Professor," Tom asked Slughorn, "I was wondering...do you know anything about Horcruxes?"

Slughorn looked rather surprised. "Where did you hear about Horcruxes, Tom?"

"I came across the term in a book," Tom said. "I didn't know what it meant, so I thought I'd ask you, because you're so smart."

Slughorn's chest puffed out with pride. Given Slughorn's sizeable belly, this was clearly not a prudent course of action. Three buttons popped off of his jacket.

"A Horcrux is an item in which somebody has placed a portion of their soul," Slughorn said.

"Ugh," Harry said, getting bored. "We're going to get a load of exposition right now, aren't we?"

"Pay attention, Harry," Dumbledore advised. "The whole plot of Deathly Hallows revolves around this."

"I don't know the specifics, but it seems that a wizard can split his soul into pieces by performing a complex Dark Arts spell at the time of a murder. The wizard then puts the broken piece of his soul into an object. That object is called a Horcrux. The idea behind making a Horcrux is immortality—that is, even if someone kills the wizard, he _should_ be able to remain alive, because a piece of his soul is still alive in the Horcrux."

"But why stop at one Horcrux?" Tom asked. "Seven is the most powerfully magical number, so wouldn't seven Horcruxes be best?"

"Seven Horcruxes!" Professor Slughorn gasped. "Why, that'd require killing seven different people! What kind of mass murderer would—?"

"It was just a suggestion!" Tom said.

Professor Slughorn gave Tom Riddle a serious look. "Tom, you're not planning on using this information to become an evil supervillain who wants to take over the world, are you?"

"Um, no, of course not," Tom said. "Why don't you forget about that and have some more crystallized pineapple?"

"Don't mind if I do!" Slughorn said, eagerly opening another box.

Thus ended the memory.

"Slughorn's memory has taught us much," Dumbledore said. "I was afraid of this."

"You were afraid of learning something?" Harry asked.

"I was afraid that Voldemort was making Horcruxes," Dumbledore amended. "Now we're going to have to destroy all seven Horcruxes in order to stretch the series out for another book—I mean, in order to destroy Voldemort."

"But how can we do that?" Harry asked. "Find seven Horcruxes? Voldemort will probably have all sorts of enchantments and protections on them!"

"It seems impossible," Dumbledore said. "But it's not. First of all, there are only six Horcruxes. The last bit of soul is still inside Voldemort himself."

"Right," Harry said.

"And one destroyed Horcrux is right here," Dumbledore said, pulling out Tom Riddle's diary that Harry destroyed in Chamber of Secrets.

"Right," Harry said. "Hey, what's that?"

"What's what?" Dumbledore asked.

"That," Harry said, pointing to the diary, where one of the pages was sticking out.

"I dunno," said Dumbledore, pulling out the page and reading it. "It looks like one of Voldemort's old diary entries."

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, I buttered up Professor Slughorn, and he told me all about Horcruxes. Ha! The fool! Now I'm going to make a bunch of Horcruxes so I can be super evil and scary and take over the world! Then everyone will fear the name of Lord Cuddles!_

_Note to self: think of new, more evil-sounding nickname._

_Now all I have to do is think of what I could make into Horcruxes. Hmmm..._

_1) My family ring? I guess I did go through all the trouble of killing my dad and grandparents and framing my uncle for it..._

_2) Not to break continuity, but if I were to get a job at Borgin and Burkes and meet a fat lady who had a large wig and Slytherin's locket, I'd totally kill her and make a Horcrux out of it._

_3) Ditto if she had a cup of Hufflepuff's._

_4) Um...this diary? Yeah, this diary! It proves that I opened the Chamber of Secrets! No one could have done that besides an evil super genius like me! Gosh, it was a good thing I was sneaking around in the girl's bathroom that day, or else I might have never found it._

_5) Find something of Gryffindor's or Ravenclaw's_

_6) I dunno, some sort of snake? That'd be evil and creepy, right? Right._

"This is it!" Dumbledore said. "We can use this to find Voldemort's Horcruxes! Then we'll destroy him with the Power of LOVE!"

"Yeah, the power of love..." Harry said. Somehow, he could never be as thrilled as Dumbledore was about love. But then again, Dumbledore _did_ read a lot more fluff than Harry.

"Oh, come on, Harry, you're full of love," Dumbledore said, picking up on Harry's unenthusiastic tone. "What about your love for your parents and your friends? Or what about your mega-crush on Ginny?"

"Augh!" Harry cried. "Don't talk about my crush on Ginny! That's a secret!"

"A secret to everyone but _you_," Dumbledore said. "If I were you, I'd swallow my fears and run right up to Ginny and give her a big fat kiss in front of everybody else! The power of love prevails!"

"I think I'd rather fight Voldemort again than risk getting rejected by Ginny..." Harry muttered.

"Well, you're going to make out with _somebody _next chapter," Dumbledore shrugged. "It's either Ginny or Malfoy. Make your choice."


	24. Making Out

**Chapter Twenty-Four  
**Making Out

Harry got a chance to talk to Ron and Hermione at breakfast the next day. After hearing about all of Harry's various adventures on that night—burying Aragog, getting the memory from Slughorn, learning about Horcruxes—Ron only had one question to ask.

"So...is Luna a good kisser?"

"Ron, shut up!" Hermione told him. "That's not important right now!"

"Yeah," Harry said. "We're talking about _important_ things like defeating Voldemort, and all you care about is snogging!"

Ron looked sad. "I just wanted to know if Harry got a girlfriend, that's all." He looked down at his plate and poked his scrambled eggs with a fork.

"What's with Ron?" Harry asked Hermione. "He's not eating."

"Lavender broke up with him last night," Hermione said.

"It was horrible," Ron said. "She shouted the most awful things..."

"Ron, all she said was, 'Won-Won, you're mean! I don't wike you anymores! Find a new girlfriend!'," Hermione pointed out.

"It still hurt my feelings," Ron said.

"Don't worry, Ron," Harry said, patting Ron on the back in what he considered to be a manly sort of way. "I'm sure you'll get another girlfriend someday."

"It was a bad night for romance," Hermione said. "Ginny also broke up with Dean."

"Woah, WHAT?" Harry asked. "Ginny's single again?"

"Yes..." Hermione said. "Why?"

_Holy crap! This is the opening I've been looking for!_ Harry thought. _With Dean out of the picture, I can finally make a move on Ginny! For the first time in my life, I can finally have a girlfriend!_

The beast in Harry's chest roared in approval at Harry's ideas. Then it decided to take a nap, and watch some TV.

"Harry?" Hermione asked. "Why are you so interested in Ginny all of a sudden?"

Harry was saved from answering by the appearance of Hedwig, who had a letter from the Half-Blood Princess.

_Dear Harry,_

_Give me my book back, you little thief. Don't forget; I'm coming by Hogwarts in Chapter Twenty-Eight to get it, whether you like it or not._

_Don't put up a fight for it, or I just might Sectumsempra your butt._

_-The Half-Blood Princess_

* * *

The days passed by, and as spring reach full force, it seemed that love was in the air at Hogwarts. Romilda Vane was dating Cormac McLaggen, Dumbledore could be seen walking around the halls, holding hands with his boyfriend Alan, and Professor Slughorn gave a great big hug to all the Hogwarts House Elves for making such delicious food day after day.

"I feel sorry for those students who have never had girlfriends because they have nasty-looking scars on their foreheads," Malfoy said quite loudly after Potions class one day.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said. Merlin, Malfoy infuriated Harry sometimes. He couldn't wait to figure out what Malfoy's evil plan in the Room of Requirement was.

"I heard the Weaselette is single again," Malfoy said, leaning in close to Harry. "Why haven't you asked her out, Potter?"

Harry silently gasped. Did Malfoy somehow know about his crush on Ginny?

"After all," Malfoy continued. "I'm sure you'd have no problem kissing her, after all the practice you've had kissing her brother."

"Go away, Malfoy," Harry said, turning around and leaving the classroom.

Malfoy had come close to guessing the truth: Harry was suffering from inner turmoil over the issue of Ginny. Should he risk his friendship with Ron by asking Ginny out on a date? After all, Ron was rather unpredictable when it came to relationships. Harry couldn't risk getting Ron into an angry mood—especially not with the Quidditch Cup was drawing near.

To clear his mind, Harry started wandering the halls. Unfortunately for him, bad news arrived in the shape of Luna Lovegood, who skipped up to Harry, waving a piece of paper.

"Hello, Harry!" she said. "I got the article from Daddy!"

"The article?" Harry asked.

"The one about Nargles!" Luna said. "Here, look!"

She handed Harry the paper. He read it out loud.

" 'The Quibbler is proud to announce that it finally has conclusive proof of the existence of Nargles. This latest bit of evidence was discovered by the editor in chief's incredibly beautiful daughter, Luna 'Cuddles' Lovegood. She says she found the beast by making out with the famous Harry Potter, who is surprisingly not as good at kissing as one would expect him to be'—_Luna!_" Harry cried. "Do you have to talk about me in the article?"

"Well, you helped find the Nargle," Luna said. "You should get credit for it."

"No offense, but I don't want people to know that I kissed you," Harry said.

"Because you're busy stalking Draco Malfoy?" Luna asked.

"For the last time, I'm not _stalking_ him!" Harry said. "I just think he's up to something evil!"

"Then it's because you have a huge crush on Ginny," Luna guessed.

"I don't—oh! Look, can't we just keep it a personal secret? Ask your dad if he can edit me out of the article," Harry said.

"Okay!" Luna said, not offended in the slightest. "I love secrets! I'll do that!"

Luna went skipping down the corridor. Harry groaned at the thought of what would happen should the Quibbler print news about his love life.

_At least it would stop Malfoy from making jokes about me not having a girlfriend..._ Harry thought glumly._ Speaking of Malfoy, I wonder if he's working on his evil plan in the Room of Requirement..._

Harry pulled out the Marauder's Map and saw that Malfoy was actually with Moaning Myrtle.

"Hmmm..." Harry said to himself. "That sentence had an awful lot of words starting with the letter M. That's kind of suspicious. I'd better go see what they're up to."

Harry made his way to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. He opened the door slightly, and peeked in.

"Please, don't!" Moaning Myrtle begged. "I'll help you! Just don't—"

"No one can help me," said Malfoy, his whole body shaking. "I can't do it...no one can...and if I don't do it soon...he says he'll kill me..."

Harry realized with a shock that Malfoy was crying, actually crying. Harry hated Malfoy, but he couldn't stand to see Malfoy like this. He had to do _something..._

Acting on his instincts, Harry threw the bathroom door open and embraced Malfoy.

"Potter?" Malfoy asked, disbelieving.

"It's okay, Malfoy," Harry said, softly petting the top of Malfoy's blond head. "It's okay. I'm here for you."

"Oh, Potter..." Malfoy sniffed, settling his head on Harry's shoulder. "You can't believe how long I've waited for you to hold me in your arms."

"Woah, hold on a second!" Harry said, suddenly pushing Malfoy away, ending their cuddle-fest. "This is NOT turning into a Draco/Harry slash fanfic! If I'm going to get romantically involved with someone in this story, it had better be Ginny!"

"Yeah!" Malfoy said. "I hate you, Potter! You got rid of my family's house elf and you threw my father in jail! I'm not going to become your boyfriend! I'm going to, um...curse you! Stupefy!"

"Expelliarmus!"

"Protego!"

"Potato!" Harry cried, using the Potato Curse.

"Crucio!" Malfoy shouted. Harry dodged, but it was close. This fight was getting serious, if Malfoy was using Unforgivable Curses. He needed to figure out a way to end things fast—then Harry remembered the spell that the Half-Blood Princess had mentioned in her letter. "Sectumsempra!" he screamed.

Malfoy's face and chest immediately became coated in blood. "Bloody hell," Malfoy gasped, before collapsing on the floor.

"MURDER!" Moaning Myrtle screamed. "MURDER! IN THE BATHROOM! If he dies, he's welcome to share my toilet...still, MURDER IN THE BATHROOM!"

Snape immediately burst into the room. I'm not sure how he got there so fast, because he usually avoids places where his hair can be washed. In any case, as soon as Snape burst through into the room, he performed a countercurse on Malfoy to stop the bleeding.

Snape helped Malfoy to his feet, and shot Harry a deadly look. "Potter, wait here," he said. He then left to take Malfoy to the Hospital Wing. Harry, for once, did not even _think_ about disobeying an order from Snape, and waited patiently for his return.

Snape came back quickly. "_So_," he said dangerously. "It would appear you know some advanced Dark Magic, Potter. I underestimated you."

"I didn't know the spell would do that," Harry said.

"A likely story," Snape said. "You have been breaking school rules ever since you first entered Hogwarts. A pity Lucius Malfoy isn't a school governor anymore, or he'd surely see fit to expel you."

"I'm serious!" Harry protested. "Someone wrote me a letter about it! I didn't know—"

"Potter," Snape said softly. "It might not have penetrated your thick skull yet, but I don't like you. You're lying, and I know it. Legilimens!"

Harry felt his mind open up to Snape. It should totally be against school rules to use Legilimency on students, by the way, but I'm pretty sure Snape doesn't care about breaking school rules. Unless your last name happens to be Potter.

The Half-Blood Princess' book and letter immediately came floating up to Harry's mind. Snape broke the connection. "What was that book, Potter?"

"Nothing," Harry lied.

"A Potions Book? Perhaps the source of your newfound Potions fame?"

"Er...no?"

"A likely story," Snape spat. "As punishment for your actions, you will have detention, every Saturday from 10:00 to 2:00 for the rest of the year."

Harry immediately knew why Snape chose that particular time slot. "But—the Quidditch Final—!"

"You will have to miss it," Snape said. "How unfortunate for you."

Harry frowned. "Isn't that a little excessive? All I did was get in a fight with Malfoy."

"It's totally excessive!" Snape said, jotting down this information on his submission form for "Britain's most evil teacher of the year award" form. "It's great! That'll clinch my win this year!"

Harry groaned as he trudged out of the bathroom, while Snape did his "Snape. Snape. Severus Snape." victory dance.

* * *

Harry broke the bad news to the Gryffindor Quidditch Team at dinner that night.

"What do you mean you can't play in the Quidditch Final?" Ron asked. "You're the team captain!"

"Yeah," Cuddles the Chaser said. "We've been practicing the past few months with _you_ as Seeker! We can't switch now!"

"It's not my fault, okay?" Harry snapped. "Snape gave me detention, just to ruin Gryffindor's chances for the cup!"

"What did he give you detention for?"

"It started when I went into the bathroom to find Malfoy..." Harry said.

"_YOU AND MALFOY WENT INTO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER?_" Ron shouted _way_ too loudly. Everyone in the Great Hall suddenly stopped talking and listened in on Harry's conversation.

"I did _not_ go into the bathroom with Malfoy!" Harry protested. "It was just, well, I knew that Malfoy was in the bathroom, so I, you know, decided to follow him and see what he was doing."

The Great Hall filled with noise again. The words "creepy stalker" could be heard repeated at nearly every table, along with other phrases like "so _that's_ why he could never get a girlfriend" and "never thought those two would end up going out".

"Way to go, Ron!" Harry said, hitting Ron on the back of the head. "Look what you've done now!"

"Look, Harry, it's okay if you like Malfoy," Ron said. "After all, Dumbledore's gay, and none of us have a problem with that."

"Yeah, Harry," Dean Thomas said. "We'll support your relationship with Malfoy 100%!"

"I don't have a relationship with Malfoy!" Harry said.

"_Sure_ you don't," Seamus Finnegan said. "You just followed him into a bathroom for no reason whatsoever. We _totally_ believe that."

"Oh, go stuff it, the lot of you," Harry said, shoving his food away and leaving the table. Before he left the Great Hall completely, Ginny grabbed his robes.

"Harry?" Ginny asked.

"I'm not in love with Malfoy!" Harry said automatically. "I like girls!"

"Really," Ginny said, in an unfathomable tone of voice. "What kind of girls do you like?"

"Girls who are...er..."

_Pretty and funny and redheaded and named Ginny_, Harry thought automatically. But he couldn't _say_ that, obviously.

Ginny seemed sad at Harry's inability to answer, and looked away. The beast in Harry's chest howled in pain.

Harry grabbed Ginny's head and stared directly into her brown eyes. "Listen to me, Ginny. Just because I don't go chasing after every pretty girl in sight doesn't mean I hate girls. I _do_ like girls. It's just that I'd rather be with a girl who's nice like you, than date the most beautiful girl in all the world. You believe me, don't you?"

Harry's eyes pleaded with Ginny's. He didn't quite know why, but he knew that it was extremely important to him that Ginny understood this.

Ginny nodded. "I believe you, Harry."

Harry let out a breath and backed away. "Thanks, Ginny. You're a real friend."

"You're welcome, Harry."

As Harry turned to go, Ginny spoke up. "Harry...when you said you'd rather have someone nice like me than a beautiful girl...does that mean you think I'm ugly?"

"I think you're amazingly beautiful," Harry said, the words popping out of his mouth without him thinking about it. Then his eyes widened as he realized he just said the most embarrassing thing ever, and Harry ran away like he was being chased by a Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Ginny smiled to herself.

* * *

Needless to say, Harry was _very_ stressed out from worry by the time he made it back to the Gryffindor Common Room and collapsed into a chair next to Hermione.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked. She was busy knitting some House Elf clothes. Having mastered the art of knitting caps and socks, she had moved on to knitting dresses and three-piece suits.

"My life stinks right now," Harry complained. "I can't believe I have to miss the Quidditch Final because Snape gave me detention. He's pure evil, I tell you."

Hermione sniffed. "Well, it's your own fault, Harry. I told you ages ago that you should have gotten rid of that Potions book. Now look what happened because of it."

"Well, what am I supposed to do with the book? Throw it away?"

"Why not hide it in the Room of Requirement?" Hermione asked. "That way it can't cause you any more grief."

"That's an oddly specific idea," Harry said. "What made you think of that?"

"Harry, you have to visit the Room of Requirement," Hermione said, getting bossy again. "There's some important backstory that we have to get out of the way, so we can set up the plotline for the Death Eater attack at the end of this book."

"_Fine_," Harry said. "Let's visit the Room of Requirement."

Harry got his copy of the Half-Blood Princess' book, and went to the Room of Requirement with Hermione.

"_I need a place to hide my book. I need a place to hide my book_," Harry muttered, walking in front of the door.

The door appeared, and Harry and Hermione went inside. They gasped in amazement. The room had transformed into the Room of Hidden Things, a giant room full of tons of junk that had been lost at Hogwarts over the past thousand years.

"Let's go through the room and pick a shelf at random," Hermione suggested.

The two of them explored for a while, until Harry found the shelf with the Diadem of Ravenclaw and the Vanishing Cabinet connected to Borgin and Burkes on it. "This seems like a randomly-chosen shelf," Harry said.

"Yes, it certainly doesn't seem like a plot device," Hermione agreed. "Why don't you put that Horcrux on the statue there, so you'll remember this shelf in case you come back?"

"Good idea," Harry said, putting a wig and the diadem onto a statue to mark the spot.

"Well," Hermione said, sounding business-like. "Now that that's finished, I thought you and I could discuss some things in private, Harry."

A sense of dread immediately swept over Harry. "In...in private?"

"Yes," Hermione said. "For a dateless wonder, you seem to be having quite the interesting love life lately. What's going on with you and Luna?"

"Nothing," Harry said. "We're just friends. I'm not romantically interested in her, or anything like that."

"Okay. Then what's going on with you and Malfoy?"

"Nothing!" Harry said. "I hate Malfoy! He's a slimy little git and he's been a jerk to me as long as I can remember! No matter _what_ people say, I am _not_ in love with Malfoy!"

"You seem to _not_ be in love with a lot of people," Hermione said suspiciously. "But the title of this chapter is 'Making Out', so that means you have to kiss _someone_. And if it's not Luna or Malfoy...what about Ginny?"

"Ginny?" Harry asked. "She's um...she's...er...we're just friends."

Hermione's face wore a satisfied smirk. "If you say so, Harry. If you say so."

* * *

Of course, Snape forced Harry to spend his detention doing the most boring, pointless task possible—copying boxes of old detention forms that Filch had saved. I have no idea why Filch would need copies of forms from over twenty years ago. I mean, honestly, what possible use could he have for them?

The hours of boring task work let Harry's mind wander freely, and it wandered into unhappy territory. He was frazzled by the rumors of his non-existent affair with Malfoy, wondering how the Quidditch Final turned out, and worried about having to make out with someone in this chapter. After all, the chapter's almost over, and Harry hasn't kissed anyone yet.

"That's enough for today, Potter," Snape said. "Mark where you stopped, and you can pick up from there next week."

"Yes sir," Harry said. He packed up his belongings and headed up to Gryffindor Tower.

A loud burst of noise met Harry. Everybody was cheering and dancing and generally being rowdy.

"Harry, we did it! We won!" Ron cried.

Ginny ran up to Harry and gave him a big hug. "We won! We won!"

"Ginny, that's brilliant! That's—"

An idea struck Harry. Before she pulled out of the hug, he moved in and planted his lips against hers.

Everyone fell silent. It was as if a lightning bolt had struck the tower...or at least, that's how Harry would describe it. Kissing Ginny felt like being struck by lightning. Only lightning lasts for a brief second, and this kiss was slightly longer than that...then longer...then longer still...

After a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity, they broke off the kiss.

Harry looked around the room. Hermione, acting very un-Hermione-like, was beaming at Harry and Ginny. Next to her was Ron, who had collapsed into a chair. He looked as if he had just gotten a Bludger to the stomach.

"Uh oh," Harry said.

"Ignore him," Ginny whispered.

Ron, looking as if he was using all his strength, lifted his arms and made a sort of _Do whatever you want to, just not in front of me_ gesture. Harry smiled. Ron was going to be interesting from now on.

And so, Harry led Ginny out of the common room and onto the grounds. Where they could, if they wanted, discuss the match.

Or make out some more.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Aw...Harry and Ginny are finally together! Yay!

However, I'm still confused about the scene in the Room of Requirement. Isn't it odd that Harry touched the diadem Horcrux but nothing happened at all? You'd think his scar would twinge when get close to it, or something like that.

And what about Voldemort hiding the diadem in the Room of Hidden Things? Why did he think no one but him knew about the room's existence? After all, a crew of Death Eaters snuck into Hogwarts through the Room of Hidden Things. Did no one tell Voldy about it?


	25. The Room of Free Sherry

**Chapter Twenty-Five  
**The Room of Free Sherry

The news that Harry and Ginny were officially dating spread through Hogwarts like a wildfire. Over the next few days, Harry saw a lot of different reactions to the news.

Malfoy, of course, was furious that Harry had gotten a gorgeous girlfriend. Cho Chang pretended not to care. Colin Creevey and Neville Longbottom both asked Harry for dating tips.

Then there were the people who showered the couple with gifts. Hagrid bought a large bottle of cologne for Harry. Luna gave Ginny and Harry an odd-smelling concoction designed to ward off the Nargles during their more intense kissing sessions. Gilderoy Lockhart sent them both signed photos of himself.

The most interesting reaction, of course, came from Ron. He had flipped out when he saw Harry kiss Ginny, and still had not quite flipped back in again. Fortunately, a little convincing from Hermione (and a few threats from Ginny) got Ron back to normal. Kind of.

"Good news, you two," Ron said, pulling out a piece of parchment. "You won't have any problems with dating each other, because I've just come up with a list of rules for your relationship."

"Rules?" Ginny asked, offended. "Ron, just because you're my brother doesn't mean you can tell me what to do in my love life!"

"Rule #1: No snogging in public," Ron read, pretending he hadn't heard Ginny.

"You snogged Lavender in public all the time!" Harry protested.

"My experience with Lavender taught me a lot about kissing," Ron said. "I learned that that snogging in public is incredibly rude. By not doing it, you'll save yourselves from a lot of embarrassment."

"Having you for a brother is an embarrassment," Ginny muttered.

"Right, so that's Rule 1: No snogging in public," Ron said. "Next is Rule #2: No snogging in private."

Harry and Ginny immediately started to complain, but Ron talked over them. "And just in case you can think of somewhere else to snog, I made Rule #3: No snogging anywhere. You two are too young for that sort of thing. I'm sure if I asked Mum, she'd agree."

"This is ridiculous," Harry said.

"Rule #4: There should be a distance of at least one foot between Harry and Ginny at all times. Shield charms will be used to make sure that this rule is followed. Rule #5: Harry and Ginny will remain fully clothed in their school uniforms. Swimsuits are out of the question, as is taking off your cloaks on warm days. Rule #6: Ginny is not allowed to wear makeup of any kind whatsoever. Likewise, Harry cannot use—"

Ron's speech came to an abrupt end as Ginny cast a Bat-Bogey Hex on him, and he ran from the room screaming.

"That was a little extreme, don't you think?' Hermione asked.

"Anybody who tries to stop me from kissing Harry deserves it," Ginny said, playfully.

* * *

To Ron's great relief, Ginny had O.W.L.s that year, which meant she couldn't spend all her free time with Harry. It was probably the only time that Ron was more insistent about studying than Hermione.

"All I'm saying is that it wouldn't hurt to brush up on Herbology," Ron said.

"I've been preparing for Herbology the last three nights!" Ginny said. "Now quit acting like Percy! I want to spend time with Harry!"

"Ron, I like Ginny, and she likes me," Harry said. "You've known this for years. Why can't you just accept the fact that we're a couple now?"

Ron winced. "Harry, how would you feel if I was dating _your_ sister?"

"I don't have a sister," Harry said, jotting down the "Harry has a sister" idea on his list of fanfics to write once this one is over. "Hermione's like a sister to me, though, and I wouldn't have a problem if you started dating her."

Ron blushed. "Date—date—date Hermione? I—I—that's—"

Ginny grinned and nudged Harry. "Ron, you don't have a crush on Hermione, do you?" she asked.

"Yes!" Ron blurted out. "I mean, no! I mean, yes?"

"I could ask her if you want me to," Harry suggested.

"NO!" Ron shouted. "Don't say anything to her!"

"Okay," Ginny said. "But if you don't leave me and Harry alone, I'm going straight to Hermione and telling her who you've got a crush on."

Harry and Ginny didn't have too much trouble with Ron after that.

* * *

The months passed on, and final exams were approaching far too quickly, as they always seem to do. Soon, Harry was forced to mentally prepare himself for whatever was coming ahead—because, as everybody knows, all the Harry Potter books have something really big happen at the end of the school year.

"It's got to have something to do with Malfoy," Harry explained to Hermione. "He's been plotting something all year."

"Are you crazy?" Hermione said. "'Half-Blood Princess' is in the story title, so she's going to be the most important part of the story, just like Chamber of Secrets or Prisoner of Azkaban."

"That's not necessarily true," Harry said. "What about the Goblet of Fire? The goblet wasn't a major part of the book."

"Whatever it is, I hope it involves dinner," Ron said. "I'm starved."

Just then, the conversation got interrupted by someone named Cuddles, in order to move the story along.

"Hey, Harry!" Cuddles said. "I've got a letter to you from Dumbledore!"

Harry opened the letter and read it. "This is it!" he said. "Dumbledore says he's found a Horcrux! He wants to see me immediately!"

"Dumbledore!" Ron said. "That's it, Harry! You should be like Dumbledore!"

"What?" Harry asked.

"When it comes to Ginny, you should be like Dumbledore. You never see him snogging girls in public, right?"

Harry frowned. "Ron, that's because Dumbledore is gay."

"All I'm saying is that you maybe shouldn't kiss my sister," Ron suggested.

"Okay, whatever," Harry said. "I don't have time to deal with your relationship hang-ups right now. I have to go on a Horcrux hunt!"

"Good luck, Harry!" Hermione called as Harry ran towards Dumbledore's office. Harry turned left at a suit of armor, went down a staircase, over the river and through the woods, and ran right into Professor Trelawney.

"Umph!" Harry said.

"Harry!" Professor Trelawney said. "I've been looking for you! You haven't showed up to a single Divination class all year! Keep this up, and you may do poorly in the final exam!"

"Erm, I'm not taking Divination this year," Harry said. "I failed the Divination O.W.L."

"A shame," Professor Trelawney said. "You were always fun to teach. Well, I have business here, so if you'll excuse me..."

Harry looked around. Professor Trelawney _couldn't_ have business here. It was an empty corridor. In fact...it was an empty corridor that Harry knew quite well.

"Professor, are you trying to get into the Room of Requirement?" he asked.

"The Room of Whatnow?" Professor Trelawney asked. "No, I was trying to get into the Room of Free Sherry. Whenever I run out, I come by here and get some more. But," and here Professor Trelawney threw her shawl over her should in a very haughty manner, "some rapscallion was already in the room, and he had the audacity to throw me out!"

"Someone threw you out of the Room of Requirement?" Harry asked. "Who?"

"I did not see the lad," Professor Trelawney. "All I know is that I went in, and someone was cheering and hollering about finishing something. I was focused on getting some more sherry, so I wasn't exactly paying attention."

"Malfoy," Harry said. "He's been in that room all year."

"Malfoy's been taking my sherry?" Professor Trelawney said. "This is an outrage! I'm going to tell Dumbledore about this immediately!"

"That's probably a good idea," Harry said, eager to foil Malfoy's evil plans.

Harry walked alongside Professor Trelawney, who was mumbling to herself the whole time. "Dumbledore didn't treat me like this when I _first_ interviewed for the position..."

Harry didn't need to listen; he knew exactly what happened. Trelawney gave a prophecy about Harry and Voldemort, causing Voldemort to James and Lily Potter.

"And then we were rudely interrupted by Severus Snape!" Professor Trelawney finished.

Harry's mind snapped. "SNAPE?" he shouted.

"Yes, Snape interrupted my interview! The barman discovered him slinking around outside the door, spying on us, no doubt!"

Shocks of rage coursed through Harry's body, rage Harry had not felt since the time he learned about the Sirius Black and the Fidelius Charm on the Potter house. Snape. SNAPE was the one who told Voldemort about the prophecy? SNAPE was the reason Harry's parents were dead?

And Dumbledore _still_ trusted him?

Without noticing it, Harry stopped walking and started clenching his fists.

"Harry?" Professor Trelawney asked. "Are you okay, dear? Your skin...it's gone white..."

"Stay here," Harry said softly.

"Here?" Professor Trelawney asked. "But weren't we going to see Dumble—?"

"STAY HERE!" Harry shouted. He ran down the halls at top speed, and the doors to Dumbledore's office burst open magically.

Dumbledore looked up from the jigsaw puzzle he had been working on. "Oh, good, Harry, you're here. I found the cave where—"

"SNAPE!" Harry yelled. "SNAPE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD VOLDEMORT ABOUT THE PROPHECY, WASN'T HE?"

"Uh oh," Dumbledore said, looking instant worried. "Harry's talking in all caps again..."

"IT'S COMPLETELY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE THAT SNAPE IS AN EVIL GIT, AND IT TURNS OUT YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING HIS SECRETS! HE BETRAYED MY PARENTS!

"Harry, please—!"

"AND YOU LET HIM TEACH HERE WHEN HE TOLD VOLDEMORT TO GO AFTER MY MUM AND DAD!"

"_Silencio!_" Dumbledore cried. Harry's mouth kept moving, but no sound came out.

"Harry, please listen," Dumbledore said. "I know Severus told Voldemort about the prophecy. This was _before_ he had a change of heart and decided to come over to our side. You have to understand, the prophecy did not mention anyone by name. Severus had no idea that Voldemort would decide to kill the Potters based off the prophecy. You have no idea how much remorse Professor Snape felt when he learned what Voldemort planned to do."

Harry's mouth moved again, but it's a good thing Dumbledore cast a Silencing Charm on him, because otherwise Harry would have said something unprintable.

"I have my reasons for trusting Severus. I trust him completely. Even if he has done evil things in the past, he is still a good person, and he is no longer working for Voldemort."

Harry snorted.

"I know you don't like Severus, and that the feeling is mutual. However, we do not have time to discuss this right now. We have a Horcrux to find. That is what I want to discuss with you."

Harry glared angrily.

_Uh oh_, Dumbledore thought. _There's only one way I can make Harry happy again._

"Would you like a lollipop?" Dumbledore asked. "I've got some delicious lollipops..."

Harry nodded.

Dumbledore reached into his bag of candy, and pulled out some lemon drops for himself and a lollipop for Harry. He handed Harry the lollipop, and removed the Silencing Charm.

"Do you feel better now?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes," Harry said, once he had his fill of lollipop goodness. "So what about the Horcrux? Which one is it?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore said. "But I know where it is: the cave Tom Riddle visited in a field trip at the orphanage. You can come with me, Harry, but you have to do exactly what I say at all times. It will be _extremely_ dangerous."

"You know, I've been thinking," Harry said. "Maybe we don't have to find a way to kill Voldemort. Maybe he'll just leave me alone, now that we're both officially Slug Club Alumni."

"I don't think it works that way, Harry," Dumbledore said.

"Darn it," Harry muttered. "That means I've got Voldemort _and_ the Half-Blood Princess who are angry at me."

Dumbledore shot Harry a startled look. "The Half-Blood Princess? You know her?"

"Yeah, I have one of her books. _You_ know her?"

"She is the most talented witch I have ever met," Dumbledore said. "In a way, she reminds me of your friend, Miss Granger. Her book knowledge is practically unlimited. It is a good thing she has not allied herself with Voldemort, because I fear that she may be more powerful than I."

"Who is she?" Harry asked. "She said she's coming to Hogwarts in Chapter Twenty-Eight to get her book back, but I don't know who she is!"

"You will have to wait and find out, Harry," Dumbledore said, in order to keep up the suspense. "For now, you need to go get your Invisibility Cloak and meet me at the Entrance Hall in five minutes."

"Yes, sir."

Harry went back to the Gryffindor Common Room and got his Invisibility Cloak. Then he remembered Malfoy celebrating in the Room of Requirement.

"I've got to tell Ron and Hermione about Malfoy holding an attack on Hogwarts tonight," Harry said to himself. "But I've only got five minutes! I have to make the most of my time!"

So Harry made out with Ginny for four and a half minutes. Then he threw the Marauder's Map and lucky potion at Hermione and said, "Death-Eaters-might-attack-Hogwarts-tonight-I-gotta-go-good-luck!" Then he ran down to meet Dumbledore.

"Are you ready?" Dumbledore asked. "Put on your cloak—I want people to think I'm alone."

"Alone?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "I'm going to pretend to go to the Hog's Head, then we'll Apparate to where the Horcrux is."

And because I can't think of any way to make the trip to Hogmeade funny right now, that's exactly what they did.

* * *

**Author's Note:** You know, a few of the reviewers thought that it's weird Voldemort thought he was the only one who knows about the Room of Hidden Things, seeing as the room is _full_ of stuff. In the Dark Lord's defense, people don't actually go and _put_ things in the room (even though that's exactly what Harry does). What happens is that someone will lose something and forget about it, and it will magically appear in the room. So just because the room is full of things doesn't mean that someone has actually been there.

And Voldemort probably figures that no one has been in that room, because otherwise, someone would have looted the room and taken all the good stuff. Right? Right.


	26. Cuddles 5

**Chapter Twenty-Six  
**Cuddles

Harry smelt the salty sea air and looked down. They were on rock cutting in the middle of some cliffs—a towering cliff was behind them, while an equally unpassable cliff lay below them. There was nothing living in sight, and horrid scenery would give anyone a sense of overwhelming despair. In short, it was like Professor Snape's classroom, only outdoors.

"There is our destination," Dumbledore said, pointing to a part of the rocks below where the sea water gushed into a cave. "You can take off your Invisibility Cloak now, so we can dive."

Dumbledore ripped off his clothes, revealing a pair of purple swimming trunks, covered with pictures of socks. He put on a pair of floaties, then ran off the cliff and jumped into the water, screaming, "GERONIMO!"

Harry rolled his eyes and jumped in after Dumbledore. Dumbledore was holding his stomach and moaning in pain.

"Are you okay, sir?" Harry asked. "Do you have cramps from swimming too soon after eating?"

"No, I accidentally belly-flopped," Dumbledore groaned. "Let's get on with it..."

Dumbledore did a breast stroke towards the cave entrance. Harry, who had never swum before without Gillyweed, doggy-paddled. The entrance led to a long tunnel, which led to a small room of rock walls. Dumbledore was drying himself off with a hair dryer, and examining the walls.

"Yes, this is the place. Voldemort has been here."

"How can you tell?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore pointed to one of the room's corners, where there was some graffiti that said "Voldemort Rulez!"

Dumbledore ran his hands over the walls, muttering strange spells that Harry could not hear properly. Of course, Dumbledore did not bother to teach Harry any of these spells, because that would make things too easy for Harry in Book Seven.

"Aha! Got it!" Dumbledore said. An archway appeared out of nowhere.

"Y-y-you did it!" Harry said, his teeth chattering. After all, he had just climbed out of the ocean.

"Oh, Harry, I'm sorry, I forgot about you," Dumbledore said. He pointed his wand at Harry and Harry immediately became warm again.

"Glad to know you're looking out for my best interests," Harry muttered. "What was the point of bringing the Invisibility Cloak? There's clearly no one here!"

"The doorway requires payment," Dumbledore said, ignoring Harry. "It needs blood."

Fortunately, Dumbledore had the Magic Knife of Plot Convenience. He pulled it out and cut his burnt hand, bleeding all over the rock. He quickly healed up his deep wound with the healing spell that Professor Snape had used on Malfoy.

Dumbledore and Harry stepped through the archway. They were still inside the cave, only now they appeared to be near the shore of a large black lake. Something green was glowing in the middle of the lake.

Harry lit his wand to get a better look at the lake. He jumped back in fright.

"It's full of dead bodies!" Harry cried.

"Inferi," Dumbledore muttered. "They'll probably come to life if we attempt to take the Horcrux."

Fortunately, Dumbledore was able to find a boat. Harry was grateful—it was a _very_ good thing Dumbledore knew how to find what Voldemort had hidden. He motioned for Harry to get in, and they started paddling towards the center of the lake.

Harry felt goosebumps all over his skin. He could not stop himself from looking at the dead bodies floating in the murky, freezing water. Some of the bodies were mangled—he could see horrid scars, green arms floating around, unattached to a body, and worst of all, lifeless skulls with empty sockets that seemed to see right through you.

Dumbledore started whistling "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

"You're kind of ruining the spooky atmosphere," Harry said.

"Sorry," Dumbledore apologized.

In the middle of the lake was a small island, with a stone basin on top of a pedestal. It reminded Harry of a bird bath, except it was full of a glowing green liquid instead of water. At the bottom lay a locket.

"The Horcrux!" Harry said.

"Yes, but how do we get it?" Dumbledore asked. He moved his wand over the liquid for a few minutes, muttering various complex spells. Nothing happened.

"This potion cannot be penetrated by hand, Vanished, parted, scooped up, siphoned away, nor can it be Transfigured, Charmed or otherwise made to change its nature," Dumbledore said. "I can only conclude that this potion is supposed to be drunk."

Dumbledore conjured a goblet and dipped it in the potion.

"I thought you said it couldn't be scooped up," Harry said.

"That was several seconds ago, Harry," Dumbledore said. "Now pay attention. I imagine this potion is designed to stop whoever drinks it from getting to the Horcrux. I want you to make sure I drink the whole potion, in case I can't drink it all because I get poisoned or something."

"You want me to force-feed you a dangerous potion?" Harry asked. "Dumbledore, that's crazy! You could die!"

"You promised to do whatever I say," Dumbledore reminded Harry. "I don't suppose you have a better idea about how to get rid of the potion?"

"Actually, I do," Harry said, pulling out the Half-Blood Princess' potions book. If Dumbledore can make things appear from out of nowhere, so can Harry, I say. He turned to the appropriate page of the book, and handed it to Dumbledore.

_Much like a Dementor, this potion is designed to make you  
__relive the worst memories of your life. Any nearby Inferi  
__will probably attack and kill you while you're rolling on  
__the floor, moaning in pain. Excellent for protecting Horcruxes._

_Antidote: pumpkin juice._

"I've got some pumpkin juice," Dumbledore said, pulling out a flask and pouring it all over the potion. Smoke belched from the basin, and Dumbledore grabbed the Horcux.

"You did it, Professor!" Harry cried in celebration. Too soon, as it turned out. When Dumbledore grabbed the Horcrux, the Inferi jumped out of the water and attacked him.

"Harry! Help!" Dumbledore cried, as his wand went flying through the air.

Harry cast his mind back to the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson where Snape had covered Inferi. They were reanimated dead bodies...someone had made a Cuddles joke...and they hated fire!

"Liar, liar, pants on FIRE!" Harry cried. Fire shot out of his wand, and the Inferi ran away.

Dumbledore was lying on the ground, moaning slightly. Harry gave Dumbledore back his wand, then helped Dumbledore to his feet.

"Are you alright, sir?" Harry asked.

"I...did not enjoy that..." Dumbledore said weakly. "Harry...we must get back to Hogwarts...Severus...he can help me..."

Harry led Dumbledore back to the boat, then outside of the cave. "It's okay, sir. We'll be back soon."

"Thank you...Harry..." Dumbledore said.

Harry closed his eyes and concentrated harder than he had ever done before. He hoped it would be enough to Apparate himself and Dumbledore back to Hogwarts.


	27. Movie Dumbledore Dies

**Author's Note:** Awh…this is the sad chapter where Dumbledore dies...

I thought that, for the Half-Blood Prince movie, it'd be nice if they did a montage of all the Dumbledore scenes from the other movies. You know, they could show such classic moments as...

In _Goblet of Fire_, when Dumbledore ran straight towards Harry and started strangling him, yelling "HARRY, DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THAT GOBLET?"

Or maybe _Order of the Phoenix_, where Dumbledore helps calm down Professor Trelawney once she's been fired. Then he notices that there are students in the area and yells, "DON'T YOU ALL HAVE CLASS TO GO TO?"

Or maybe _Prisoner of Azkaban_, when Dumbledore ordered fast food and punched the attendant for messing up his order, yelling "I SAID NO PICKLES ON MY BURGER!"

Ah...movie Dumbledore. Don't you just love how he switches from normal Dumbledore to insane yelling Dumbledore in three seconds flat? I can't wait to see him randomly go back and forth between Dying Dumbledore and Superhero Dumbledore during these scenes in the movie.

Actually, you know what? Using Movie Dumbledore is probably the best way I could make this chapter funny, instead of incredibly sad! Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Movie Dumbledore to the story!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven  
**Movie Dumbledore Dies

It worked. Harry and Dumbledore landed in the middle of the Hogsmeade main street. Harry was feeling quite proud of himself for managing to do side-along apparition on his first try, especially under such difficult circumstances.

Dumbedore immediately collapsed.

"Professor!" Harry cried.

"I can't walk just yet," Dumbledore said. "Harry...help..."

Harry looked around for help. No one was around and...

Harry gasped. In the skies above the Astronomy Tower was the Dark Mark.

"The Dark Mark!" Harry cried. "It's just as I feared! Death Eaters have attacked Hogwarts!"

Dumbledore jumped to his feet. "LET'S GO, HARRY! WE HAVE TO STOP THE DEATH EATERS!"

Dumbledore reached into a nearby trashcan and pulled out a jetpack. He strapped it on, grabbed Harry's hand, and went shooting off into the sky.

The two of them landed on the Astronomy Tower, where Dumbledore remembered he was supposed to be dying. "Harry...get Severus...I may...uhhh..."

Dumbledore collapsed on the ground. "Dumbledore!" Harry cried, running to his side.

"**I TOLD YOU TO GO GET SEVERUS!**" Dumbledore shouted. "GET HIM NOW!"

Harry backed off. Putting on his Invisibility Cloak for protection, he headed towards the door, but it burst open as Malfoy came through.

"Expelliarmus!" Malfoy shouted, pointing his wand at Dumbledore.

Harry froze. Literally. Dumbledore had used a nonverbal Freezing Charm on Harry. I have no idea why Dumbledore would disable the only person who could help him at the moment, but it's probably best if we don't ask too many questions about it.

"I've got you now!" Malfoy said.

"What are you going to do?" Dumbledore asked. "Kill a defenseless old man?"

"Yes!" Malfoy said, eager to explain the backstory for the entire book. "I've been made a Death Eater, and I was given the task of killing you! I've been trying all year! I gave Katie Bell the cursed necklace and gave Slughorn the poisoned wine, through my Imperiused accomplice, Madam Rosmerta! But my grand master plan was repairing the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement! I got it done, and I used it to bring a bunch of Death Eaters into Hogwarts tonight! And now that I've got you alone, I'll kill you!"

Dumbledore slumped down a few inches. "Fine. Go ahead. Kill me."

Malfoy looked confused. "What's wrong with you?"

"I've...been cursed. My hand...I was going to die soon anyway...please...end my pain..."

Malfoy raised his wand, then hesitated.

"WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO AHEAD AND KILL ME, YOU NINNY!"

"I've...I've never killed anyone before," Malfoy admitted.

Dumbledore smiled. "It's not as easy as you thought, is it? Draco...Draco...there is still time. You can switch to right side. The Order of the Phoenix can help protect you and your mother. You know Voldemort doesn't respect the Malfoys at all..."

Malfoy was still. Harry thought he saw Malfoy lower his wand an inch, but before anything dramatic happened, a crew of Death Eaters burst through the door.

"All right, Draco!" Amycus Carrow cheered. "You've got Dumby cornered!"

"Wandless, too!" Alecto said. "Kill him now!"

"Then I can eat his dead body!" Fenrir Greyback—who is technically not a Death Eater, but they let him tag along because Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort were too busy to come to Hogwarts—said.

"Do it! Do it! Do it!" Dolohov chanted.

"You can kill me..." Dumbledore said weakly. "But I will never truly be gone unless none here are loyal to me..."

Dumbledore coughed and slumped his head down on his shoulder.

"What are you waiting for?" Amycus cried. "Kill him NOW, Draco!"

Draco seemed frozen in fear. The seconds stretched on, and Snape appeared on the scene.

"What's going on here?" Snape asked.

"Draco's got Dumbledore cornered, but he doesn't seem able to kill him," Amycus said.

"Severus...please..." Dumbledore moaned.

Snape's face hardened. Hate was etched onto every line of his face.

"PLEASE, SEVERUS!" Dumbledore shouted, getting up and throttling Snape. "YOU HAVE TO—!"

"Avada Kedavra!" Snape cried.

Dumbledore's body flew through the air, off the tower, and out of sight.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, that's it for this week! Sorry it was so short!

Next week, the Half-Blood Princess makes her grand appearance! It's a well-written masterpiece that—nah, I'm just kidding. It's something I tacked onto the end of the chapter after the big fight. But it's still lots of fun, so stay tuned.


	28. The Princess Appears

**Author's Note:** Okay, this is the chapter where the Half-Blood Princess _finally_ appears. Who will she be? Read and find out!

On a side note, when I did research for this chapter, it inspired me to write a short oneshot about the Death Eaters being stupid and messing up the Taboo. Feel free to read it, if you're interested.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight  
**The Princess Appears

Harry was shocked. Dumbledore...dead...impossible...

"Our work is done. Let's get out of here," Snape said. He turned around and left the tower. The other Death Eaters and Draco followed.

Harry watched them leave, then suddenly realized he could move again. Quickly, he threw off his Invisibility Cloak and chased after them.

Harry managed to Stupefy Fenrir Greyback before finding himself in the middle of a much larger fight. A huge blond Death Eater was firing off potatoes in all directions with the Potato Curse. A few members of the Order of the Phoenix, as well as some members of Dumbledore's Army, were fighting with the Death Eaters. Harry quickly joined up with his friends.

"Harry!" Hermione cried. "Where did _you_ come from?"

"No time to talk!" Harry cried. "Get them!"

The dangerous chase went through a passageway, then down the stairs heading towards the castle gates. Harry realized the Death Eaters were trying to leave the Hogwarts Grounds and Disapparate. Although, it _really _makes you wonder why Malfoy went through such elaborate planning to bring them to Hogwarts, if they could go in and out through the front door so easily.

"We've got to stop them before they get away!" Ginny said.

"Don't worry; I've got a plan!" Harry said. He turned to the right and ran into the Great Hall, where Professor Slughorn was having a few midnight snacks.

"Harry, my boy," Slughorn said. "What's all the commotion about?"

"Professor!" Harry cried. "Death Eaters are here! They've come to steal all the food in Hogwarts!"

"WHAT?" Slughorn cried. "_I've got to stop them!_"

The enraged Slughorn entered the fray, and quickly managed to turn the tide of the battle. The Death Eaters shouted in confusion.

"Rowle, what's wrong?" Amycus shouted. "You're supposed to be guarding us from behind!"

"It's Slughorn!" the blond Death Eater cried. "The Potato Curse doesn't work on him—he just eats them whole!"

"RUN FOR IT!"

The Death Eaters scrambled. Sadly, as soon as they made it outside, the Death Eaters managed to escape into the forest without any trouble. The only villains our heroes were able to catch up with were Snape, Malfoy and Rowle, and that was because they ran into Hagrid.

Rowle was throwing curses at Hagrid left and right, but they simply bounced off his body.

"Yeh maniac!" Hagrid shouted, swinging his firsts around dangerously. "Yeh'll get what's comin' ter yeh!"

"Stupefy!" Harry cried, pointing his wand at Snape. Snape blocked the spell easily.

"Expelliarmus!" Harry tried next. Snape blocked the spell just as easily.

"SECTUMSEMPRA!" Harry shouted, figuring that Snape wouldn't be prepared against Dark Magic. Snape just yawned openly and threw the spell aside.

"Let me handle this one, Harry!" Hermione said. She conjured up a bottle of a shampoo. Snape quickly turned paler than Malfoy and fled.

Malfoy was the only one left. "Don't bother," Malfoy sneered. "You were never a match for me, Potter."

Harry grinned. "That's why I asked Fred and George for a bit of help."

"Who?" Malfoy asked.

Quick as a flash, Fred and George Weasley jumped out from behind Hagrid's hut. "Weasley's Wicked Wedgies!" they cried.

Malfoy screamed in pain, then ran away, crying.

Harry breathed heavily. "Is it over?" he asked.

"I think so," Professor Lupin said, looking around. No more Death Eaters were in sight. "They all seem to have escaped."

"I'll alert the Ministry of Magic so they can arrest the Death Eaters we captured," Professor McGonagall said. "Any casualties?"

"Bill Weasley got clawed pretty badly," Lupin said. "But other than that, I think everyone on our side is okay. Let's go check."

The Order members walked back towards the castle, talking to each other.

Hermione turned to Harry. "So?" she asked.

"What do you mean, 'So'?" Harry asked.

"So, it's Chapter Twenty-Eight! Who's the Half-Blood Princess? I'm dying to know!" Hermione said.

Harry shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "She hasn't showed up yet."

Just then, a crowd of women jumped from out of the woods and ran towards our heroes, each of them claiming to be the Half-Blood Princess.

"I'm the Half-Blood Princess!" Madam Hooch shouted.

"No, I am!" shouted Professor Umbridge.

"It's totally me!" Rita Skeeter yelled.

"Eet eez _moi!_" Fleur Delacour said.

"I'm the Half-Blood Princess!" shouted the Muggle Prime Minister of Magic, losing his head completely.

"Hey, wait! You can't be the Half-Blood Princess!" Ron said. "You're not a girl!"

"Yeah!" Harry agreed. "You're not even a wizard! What are you doing here?"

The Muggle Prime Minister of Magic shrugged. "I wanted to be in the story again. It's totally unfair that I only get to appear in the first chapter of this book."

"Quit wasting my time!" Harry said. "That goes for the rest of you, too. There's just been a dramatic battle, and I don't have time for any tomfoolery."

"He's right," a voice said.

Harry and the others turned to look at the direction the voice had come from. A heavily-cloaked figure was standing there, on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

"_I_ am the Half-Blood Princess," the heavily-cloaked figure said. She was slowly emerging from the shadows, in order to make things more dramatic.

"You are?" Harry asked. "Who are you?"

The figure chuckled. "Think about it, Harry. A witch who's a genius. Who knows how to make the most complicated potions, perform the most complicated spells. A witch who knows practically _everything_."

The Half-Blood Princess threw her cloak black, revealing herself to everyone present. "Who could it be except me?" she asked.

"Merlin's beard," Harry said. "It's JK Rowling."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Oooooo!


	29. JK Rants

**Chapter Twenty-Nine  
**JK Rants

"It can't be!" Ron said. "JK Rowling is _not_ a Slytherin!"

"Yeah!" Harry agreed.

"I'm a Slytherin because I'm mad," JK Rowling said. "You've been making fun of my book nonstop in this stupid story! I want to get my revenge on the guy who wrote this!"

"Okay," Harry said. "Maybe she _is_ a Slytherin."

"That's why I need my Potions book back—I want to drop it on the author's head. Could you please give it to me?"

"Dumbledore has it," Harry said. "Let's go get it from him."

Harry, Ron and Hermione walked with JK Rowling over to Dumbledore's body.

"It's so cool being able to finally meet you!" Hermione gushed. "You're my favorite author!"

"Thanks," JK Rowling said graciously. "You're one of my favorite characters."

"So, Jo, I've been dying to ask you something," Harry said. "Who's going to die in Deathly Hallows? Please, don't let it be me!"

"I can't spoil it for you," JK Rowling said. "But there's one thing you can be sure of—pretty much everyone is going to die."

"Will I ever get a girlfriend?" Ron asked.

"About five minutes before the final Battle of Hogwarts," JK Rowling said. "I put it off as long as humanly possible."

"Is the author of this story going to write a sequel?" Hermione asked.

"He'd _better_ not," JK said. "I'll put a stop to that, or else my name's not Just Kidding Rowling."

They reached Dumbledore's body. JK Rowling reached in Dumbledore's pocket and pulled out her book. She also grabbed the locket, and tossed it towards Harry.

"That's not the real Horcrux, by the way," JK Rowling said. "You're going to have a really hard time tracking all of them down. You don't even know what some of them are!"

"Oh," Harry said, disappointed. "That doesn't sound fun at all. But Deathly Hallows will be really exciting, right?"

"_I_ think it's a great book," JK Rowling said. "Some people disagree, but I don't know why. Seriously, Potter fans, what's up with all the hate mail I got about the epilogue? What, did you _not _want Harry to live happily ever after? I mean, give me a break! That was a great ending! It had everything! The return of James and Lily Potter! Teddy snogging Victoire! Bald Draco!"

"Er...Ms. Rowling?"

"And what's with all the complaints that the book is nothing but camping? The camping is less than a third of the book! And it was full of great material, like Ron leaving the group and the silver doe and the adventures at Godric's Hollow!"

"Okay, she's ranting now," Harry said to Ron and Hermione. "Let's get out of here while we still can."

"And all those crazy shippers! No, I can't do a Draco/Ginny and Draco/Hermione and Draco/Harry and Draco/Goyle and Draco/Draco all in the same book! Why do you _want_ Draco to date everyone in Hogwarts anyway? And enough with the conspiracy theories that Dumbledore is still alive! He's dead!" JK started to kick Dumbledore's body. "See, he's dead! Dead! Quit pretending he isn't!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione were long gone by that time. "Is it just me, or does JK Rowling seem kind of crazy?" Ron asked.

"In the good way," Hermione said. "Just like Dumbledore. Most geniuses act kind of mad sometimes. I think it's their way of keeping things fun."

"In any case," Harry said. "We'd better head to the Hospital Wing and see what the damage is."

"I hope Bill's okay," Ron said. "Or is it Charlie? I can never tell the difference between the two of them."

"Ron, you don't know the difference between your own _brothers?_" Hermione asked.

"Well...yeah…I haven't read the Harry Potter books," Ron admitted. "I just saw the movies."

When they reached the Hospital Wing, it was obvious that Bill was _not_ okay. His face was bleeding, covered with gashes and rips.

"Oh no!" Hermione said. "Look at all those teeth marks! He must have been bitten by Fenrir Greyback!"

"Worse," Ginny said grimly. "It was Professor Slughorn. Bill tripped and fell into his mouth while he was chewing a mouthful of turkey."

"What happened to Neville?" Harry asked, pointing to the next bed. Neville's face and body was covered with bruises. "He looks like the Death Eaters used the Cruciatus Curse on him!"

Neville grinned sheepishly. "Actually, Harry, I tripped and fell down the stairs on the way to the fight. The Death Eaters never got a crack at me."

"That's okay," Luna said, lovingly patting Neville's hand. "I'll be here to make sure you get all better, honey."

Immediately, JK Rowling burst into the room. "Neville and Luna will never be together! NEVER! I forbid it!"

Luna immediately recoiled from Neville's hand as if it had turned to fire.

"Much better," JK said smugly. Then she left in order to, I dunno, put an end to the rumors of a Filch/Madam Pince relationship.

Ron pointed to the third bed, where Tonks was lying. "What's wrong with her?"

"I'm not sure," Madam Pomfrey said. "She _looks_ fine, but she keeps muttering about darkness and despair. The Death Eaters must have done _some_thing to her."

"Dust in the wind..." Tonks muttered. "Dust in the wind..."

"Actually, she's been depressed like that the whole book," Harry said. "I have no idea why."

Lupin came into the room. "I'm why!" he announced heroically.

"Lupie-poo!" Tonks cried.

"Tonks has been upset the past year because she's in love with me," Lupin said. "But I've been rejecting her because I'm a werewolf."

"Nooooo!" Tonks cried. "Lupin, don't do that to me!"

"But I've changed my mind!" Lupin said. "I'm going to marry her instead!"

Everybody cheered on the new couple. Tonks' hair immediately turned back to pink as she jumped out of bed and started snogging with Lupin. Snoggy snog snog snogging.

"Well, I guess it's a happy ending after all," Ginny said. "Bill and Fleur are getting married, Tonks and Lupin are getting married, and nobody got seriously injured in the Death Eater battle!"

"Er," Harry said. "I forgot to mention. Dumbledore's dead."

"WHAT?" everybody shouted all together.

"Snape killed Dumbledore."

"Impossible!" McGonagall said.

"I don't believe it!" Charlie, um, I mean _Bill_, said.

"I believe it," Neville said. "Snape is scary."

"Dumbledore always trusted Snape," Lupin said. "Sure, most of us thought he was an evil jerk, but Dumbledore always insisted that there was an iron-clad reason why Snape was trustworthy."

"Maybe Snape secretly loved Harry's mum," Ron suggested.

"Get real," Harry said. "She married his worst enemy, remember? You'd think even a moron like Snape would know that there was no chance of him ever getting together with her."

"Besides," Hermione said. "She's been dead for fifteen years. Snape would have to be an obsessed stalker not to be over her by now."

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, I guess that was kind of a dumb idea."

Harry patted Ron on the back. "Don't worry, mate. Wherever Snape and Malfoy are now, I'm sure they're getting their just reward for killing Dumbledore."

* * *

Malfoy tried covering his ears, but he couldn't block out the sound.

"It's _ridiculous!_" JK Rowling ranted. "Why do all the fanfics depict you as a sexy rebel? You're a whiny little baby who doesn't have the guts to do anything by yourself! You always need Crabbe and Goyle to make you look intimidating, or you need to call your _Daddy_ to get you a new broomstick because _'Oh my gosh! Harry Potter is playing Quidditch! Daddy! Daddy! That's not fair! I wanna play Quidditch too!_' At least Half-Blood Prince showed you crying in the bathroom like the true whiny baby you are!"

"Make her stop! Make her stop!" Malfoy groaned.

"I can't!" Snape exclaimed. "I don't know how!"

JK Rowling wagged a finger at Snape. "Don't get impatient, Severus. I'll get to you in an hour or so. I have to finish telling Draco off first."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Snape and Malfoy screamed.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Next is the last chapter! You guys have to let me know what subplots you want me to wrap up in the end! Do you want to see Professor Trelawney make a last appearance? Do you harbor a secret desire to see Goyle date Hannah Abbot? Let me know, and maybe I'll randomly throw it in at the end!


	30. Cuddles 6

**Chapter Thirty  
**Cuddles

Harry was depressed. Now that Dumbledore was dead, he'd have to finish the Horcrux Hunt...all alone.

...Which meant breaking up with Ginny.

...Which is a totally lame way to end the book.

"Ginny's the first girlfriend I've ever had," Harry explained to his number one romance advisor—Dobby the House Elf. "And she's a fantastic person—I don't want to break up with her!"

"But Harry Potter _must_ break up with her!" Dobby insisted. "Bad dangers will happen if he doesn't!"

"I know that being my girlfriend would make her Voldemort's first target," Harry said. "But it seems wrong to end a relationship when it's going so perfectly!"

"Harry Potter must listen to Dobby," Dobby said. "Harry Potter is a good, noble friend. He will always do the right thing, because he is a good person."

Harry sighed. Dobby wasn't helping very much. "Yeah, I know...listen, thanks for listening, Dobby."

"Dobby is proud to help Harry Potter in his hour of need!" Dobby said.

An angry Hermione wearing a S.P.E.W. badge marched onto the scene. "Harry, are you using House Elves to get relationship advice?" she demanded.

"Er...I have to go to the bathroom!" Harry shouted. He ran away as fast as he could, trying to get away before Hermione started a lecture on House Elf abuse.

Harry actually _did _end up going to the bathroom—Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, that is.

"Myrtle!" Harry said.

"Hello, Harry," Myrtle said, giggling slightly at the sight of him, as she always did. "Long time, no see."

"Myrtle," Harry said. "I've got a problem. Maybe you could help me with it."

"Sure," Myrtle said. "What's wrong?"

"Well, there's this girl that I have to break up with, and—"

"_You're breaking up with me?_" Myrtle cried. She immediately burst into tears and flew into the nearest toilet.

"Oh, great," Harry said. "Both Dobby _and_ Myrtle can't help me. Does _anyone_ around here know how to break up with a girl?"

One of the bathroom stalls opened, and out came Lavender Brown. "You need to break up with someone?" she asked.

"Lavender!" Harry cried. "You were spying on me?"

"You're the one who's in the girls' bathroom," Lavender pointed out. "But today's your lucky day, Harry. I can help you break up with Ginny Weasley."

"You can?" Harry asked.

"Sure," Lavender said. "I broke up with Won-Won earlier this year, remember? I know all about breaking up."

"Cool," Harry said. "So how do you do it?"

"Think, Harry," Lavender said. "Why did I break up with Ron?"

"You thought he was cheating on you with Hermione," Harry said.

"Right," Lavender said. "So that means you have to make it look like you're cheating on Ginny. Just snog me for a few hours in the Great Hall, where everyone can see us. Ginny will totally dump you, then!"

Lavender smiled at Harry in a suggestive way.

"Er, sorry," Harry said. "That's probably a really bad idea."

"Oh," Lavender said, disappointed. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me!"

Harry shook his head as he left the bathroom. On a whim, Harry made his way towards the Astronomy Tower. On the way, he ran into Professor Slughorn.

"Harry, m'boy," Slughorn said. "Good to see you again before the school year ends. What are you up to?"

"Hello, Professor," Harry said sadly. "I'm just going to get my Invisibility Cloak from the Astronomy Tower, that's all."

"Dear me, Harry," Slughon said. "Why do you sound so sad?"

"I have to go away next year," Harry said. "That means I need to break up with my girlfriend. I'm just not sure how to do it."

"Well, you've come to the right person!" Slughorn said cheerfully. "I was a real heartbreaker back when I was younger! Why, I must have had twenty different girlfriends in my last three years at Hogwarts!"

"Er, if you say so," Harry said, not sure if Slughorn was joking or not.

"Meet me in my office in an hour," Slughorn said. "I've got just the thing to help you out!"

* * *

Harry wasn't entirely sure what Slughorn was up to, but he went to Slughorn's office anyway.

"Ah, Harry!" Slughorn said. "Here it is!"

Slughorn gestured to a corner, where—Harry couldn't believe it—

"Is that the Mirror of Erised?" Harry asked, dumbfounded.

"Sure is! It'll solve your problem!"

"How?"

"If you truly want to break up with Miss Weasley," Slughorn said, "you'll see yourself doing so in the mirror. And then you'll know how to do it!"

"I don't think the mirror works that way," Harry said. "Dumbledore—"

Slughorn made a dismissive gesture no. "Forget what Dumbledore said about the mirror! Come on, my boy, try it out! It won't hurt you!"

Harry looked in the mirror. As he expected, what he saw was of no use whatsoever—it was the same thing he saw in it five years ago.

"I don't see myself dumping Ginny," Harry said. "I see my family. There's my Mum and Dad and..."

Harry gasped. Now that he was looking more closely, what he saw in the mirror was definitely _not_ what he saw in it five years ago.

"I don't believe it—Ginny. Ginny—Ginny's there, and…"

Harry gulped. "And we're married and we have children, and they've all grown up to be safe and happy...they don't have to worry about Voldemort..."

There was a ripple in the air next to the Mirror of Erised as Ginny suddenly threw off the Invisibility Cloak and hugged Harry deeply.

"Harry, that's so _sweet!_" Ginny said, crying slightly.

"Wha-what?" Harry asked. "Ginny? What's going on?"

"This was all a somewhat elaborate scheme I cooked up," Slughorn confessed, in a fit of being out-of-character. "I got your Invisibility Cloak from the Astronomy Tower, and I asked Miss Weasley to hide under it while I talked to you about her. That way, she could learn how you really felt about her, while you wouldn't feel the pressure of telling it to her."

Harry grinned. Slughorn may have told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but he wasn't really that bad of a person after all...

* * *

So Ginny and Harry decided to break up until the war with Voldemort was over, and a humongous weight was lifted off Harry's chest.

But something still felt wrong to Harry. Because, well, it's the end of the book, and Harry always has a talk with Dumbledore at the end of the book.

Only Dumbledore was dead, so he couldn't talk to Harry.

"What am I supposed to do now?" Harry asked Hermione. "No Harry Potter book is complete without an awkward and confusing discussion with Dumbledore."

"Awkward and confusing?" Ron asked. "Is that what your Dumbledore discussions are like?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Ron, don't you ever _read?_" She pulled out a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and handed it to him.

" 'Do you see the flaw in the plan? Do you see the trap I fell into, Harry?' " Ron read. " 'I cared too much for you.' That _is_ kind of awkward."

"You see what I mean?" Harry said. "Nobody brings awkwardness to the table like Dumbledore does."

"Maybe it doesn't have to be Dumbledore," Hermione suggested. "Maybe if you did something really awkward, that would be good enough."

Acting on impulse, Harry immediately grabbed Hermione and kissed her. Ron fell backwards off of his chair.

Harry pulled back. It took Hermione a few seconds to regain her bearings.

"Harry, I—um...I mean...Harry!"

Hermione shook her head.

"Harry, just because you want to end the book on an awkward note, that doesn't mean you should kiss me."

Harry blinked. "What?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "You kissed me because you wanted to make things awkward, right?"

"Um...yes..._that's_ why I kissed you..." Harry said unconvincingly.

Ron sat up, rubbing his forehead. "What just happened?" he asked.

"Nothing," Harry and Hermione said at the same time.

"I mean, er—" Hermione said.

"—I just did something awkward," Harry said.

"Cool," Ron said. "So is that it? Does that mean we can end the book?"

"No, I don't think it was awkward enough," Harry said. "Just to be safe, I should kiss all the girls at Hogwarts. Then it will be _really_ aweso—awkward."

"Could I help?" Ron asked.

"No," Harry said.

"In that case, I think it's a stupid idea," Ron said. "You shouldn't do it."

"I agree," Hermione said. "You should go to Dumbledore's funeral instead."

Harry smacked himself on the forehead. "Dumbledore's funeral! I completely forgot about it! _That's_ where the story has to end!"

* * *

Harry went to the funeral alone, because if he went with Ron and Hermione, they would talk and interrupt the page or so of details about how the funeral was set up.

The funeral took place along the lake. Some thought this was because it would provide a beautiful view, while others thought it _beautiful poetic detail_, seeing as students begin their career in Hogwarts by going across the lake. Those people, of course, have way too much free time on their hands.

Actually, the reason the funeral took place along the lake was because it was Dumbledore who introduced the Giant Squid to the lake, in response to the disastrous Swimming Club started in '83. Sure, a few students were left with unsightly suction-cup marks on their faces, but most historians maintain that it was Dumbledore's greatest achievement as Headmaster.

Along the shore was a simple stage with a podium. Hundreds of chairs were set up, facing the podium. Important Ministry of Magic members, such as Rufus Scrimgeour and his BFF Percy Weasley, took up the front row. Cornelius Fudge and the Muggle Prime Minister _were_ invited to the funeral, but they didn't come because they were too busy making songs for their new rock band, which they called "Sexy Minister Madness".

Harry recognized many people in the crowd, such as Professor Lupin, Mr. Ollivander, and Dolores Umbridge. Then there were people he only knew by sight, such as the bartender for the Hog's Head, the witch who pushed the trolley on the Hogwarts Express, and the hairy bass player from the Weird Sisters (who was rather upset about not being invited to join Sexy Minister Madness).

The audience was divided into sections. One specific section was made for all the people in this story named Cuddles. All two hundred of them were shuffling around, trying to get in their seats.

Harry made his way towards the "Couples" section, where Ron and Hermione were sitting, next to Gilderoy Lockhart and Rita Skeeter (quite an odd couple), Ron's brother Charlie and Arabella Figg (their love of animals brought them together), and Professor Trelawney with her latest romantic conquest, Griphook the Goblin.

Past the "Couples" section was the offensively-named "Dateless Losers" section. Here, Harry sat down next to Neville Longbottom, and Fred Weasley.

"Fred?" Harry asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I can never get a date," Fred muttered darkly. "All the girls think George is the cute one."

"Wanna make out so we can get a better seat?" Lavender Brown asked Fred.

"Sure!" Fred said.

Fred and Lavender started snogging, and moved up ahead to the "Couples" section.

Soon afterwards, the funeral began. A hush fell over the crowd as mermaids slowly rose from the lake, singing a sad funeral tune. The only sound that could be heard, aside from the singing, were the giant sobs of Hagrid.

Hagrid was the pallbearer for the funeral. Holding the coffin in his hands as reverently as he was holding a newborn baby, he made his way up the center aisle and put the coffin on the stage.

Meanwhile, Fred and Lavender were still snogging like mad.

An old wizard with a green-and-yellow-polka-dotted mohawk stood up and went to the podium. His name was Cuddles, and he was a priest in the Church of Dumbledore. Cuddles began speaking to the crowd, but Harry couldn't hear him properly. All he could hear were little snippets, such as "nobility of spirit", "dedicated teaching methods" and "fuzzy bunny slippers".

Harry frowned slightly as he heard that. None of those words seemed to apply to Dumbledore as Harry knew him. The Dumbledore Harry knew was not a brilliant teacher, or a masterful headmaster...he was a crazy old man with an odd obsession for candy and a penchant for allowing Harry to enter life-threatening situations without any help whatsoever.

And Dumbledore had given his life while finding what he believed was one of Voldemort's Horcruxes. Harry clenched at the locket, which he wore around his next at all times, not as a reminder of what he had gone through to get it, but because it looked _fabulous_ with his striped red shirt.

Now Harry would have to continue the quest to destroy Voldemort…all alone. Sirius was dead, his parents were dead, Cedric Diggory was dead, Dumbledore was dead, everyone was dead. There was no one left to protect Harry.

Harry cried a silent tear.

Then, suddenly, Cuddles stopped speaking and went back to his seat. Things were silent for a few seconds, then flames suddenly appeared, engulfing the coffin. The flames died down, and all could see the coffin had been turned into a marble tomb.

It was over. People started standing up and leaving. Harry waited for Ron and Hermione—Hermione was sobbing uncontrollably, as if Dumbledore had actually _spoken_ to her at one point, aside from his suggestion that "three turns should do it".

"Harry!" Rufus Scrimgeour cried, moving as quickly as he could to the spot where Harry sat. "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

"No," Harry said. He still hated the Ministry of Magic for running a year-long propaganda campaign against him.

Rufus Scrimgeour sighed. "Harry...we need to talk. I heard that you were with Dumbledore the night he died."

"What makes you think that?" Harry asked.

"Madam Rosmerta said she saw you with him that night," Scrimgeour said. "Besides, Colin Creevey showed us a photo he took of you that night. The shirt you're wearing tells us everything."

Harry looked at the picture. In it, he was wearing an "I'm With Stupid" shirt.

"That doesn't mean anything! I could have been with Ron!" Harry protested.

Scrimgeour tapped the photo. The Harry in the photo turned around to show the backside of the shirt, which read "I'm with Dumb...ledore".

"Okay, fine, I was with Dumbledore," Harry admitted. "But I'm not going to tell you what I was doing, or help you at all."

"Please, Harry," Scrimgeour said. "We both have the same goal—the destruction of Voldemort. Why not join forces with the Ministry? I could give you a few Aurors to help protect you..."

Harry laughed. "If Voldemort wants me dead, your Aurors aren't going to stop him."

"You're not afraid of Voldemort trying to kill you?" Scrimgeour asked.

"No," Harry said. "He's tried to kill me about ten times already. In case you haven't noticed, he's not very good when it comes to making plans to kill me."

"But his plan to kill Dumbledore worked well enough," Scrimgeour pointed out. "That's why I need to know what Dumbledore was doing on the night he died. He must have been doing something that relates to Voldemort, because he left members of the Order of the Phoenix behind to protect the school. The Ministry can add two and two together."

"Glad to hear that you understand basic mathematics," Harry said rudely.

"Please, Harry," Scrimgeour said. "This information could be important. It might even change the fate of the world. _Please_ tell me what Dumbledore was doing when he died."

"I'm not telling you anything, Scrim_jerk_," Harry said. "I'm Dumbledore's man through and through. Not the Ministry's."

Scrimgeour sighed. Being the Minister of Magic was hard enough for him to do without having to deal with snotty teenagers. "If you change your mind, you can always owl me," he said. "I am sure we could help each other in some way."

Scrimgeour walked away, limping on his walking stick. Ron and Hermione came up to Harry.

"Scrimgeour doesn't look too happy," Hermione noted.

"That's because I told him to leave me alone," Harry said.

"What'd he want?" Ron asked.

"To help me fight against Voldemort," Harry said.

"The nerve!" Ron gasped.

"Yeah, what a jerk," Hermione said.

"Too true," Harry said. "I can't get help from Scrimgeour, or even the Order of the Phoenix. In the next book, I have to go on the Horcrux Hunt all alone."

"Alone?" Ron said. "What about us?"

"I don't want to put you two in danger," Harry said.

"We're coming with you, whether you like it or not," Hermione said. "Friends stick together."

Harry smiled. The sadness of the funeral and the weight of Harry's upcoming task seemed to evaporate. Let the fight with Voldemort come when it may—two weeks, one month, ten months, or _exactly one year_—it didn't matter. Harry still had one last golden day to spend with Ron and Hermione.

But Ron and Hermione were too busy snogging, so he decided to take a nap instead.

**The "Cuddles" End**

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, that's the end! Thanks for reading this rather ridiculous story, everyone!


End file.
